[Nicko124]

so the reason I'm writing this thread is that I've just broken up a perfectly healthy and loving relationship of 4 months, it makes no sense to me and it definitely makes no sense to my past lover. In every relationship I've had I've either cheated or gotten lazy and inconsiderate etc from what would start as a seemingly great boyfriend, i fear that the cheating arises from fear of committing to the relationship and as a man that rarely expresses his feelings and suffers from on and off depression as well as enjoys his independence and space i feel its an attempt to grasp at the independence and single life without disturbing the relationship. i obviously know this is wrong on many levels but it never phases me nor do i tell anyone. This brings me to my last relationship, following 6 months from my last serious 2 year relationship; i thought it was a time to give it another shot i figured id gotten all the random sex out of the way and this time i will finally commit this girl was great and we clicked like I've never clicked before with anyone, things were going swell but as the weeks went on i noticed myself being inconsiderate unwilling to announce our relationship on Facebook, i wasn't complimenting her anymore and i was being really cheap sometimes even giving her second hand gifts, i went from a perfect boyfriend to what would seem like a casual friend with benefits, on top of this i was feeling more and more trapped, the lust to cheat was growing and my self worth as a boyfriend and person diminishing, it would seem i had/have a self destructive attitude this occurred almost as an epiphany. i was her first boyfriend and thought it was my duty to be the best i can be, when i noticed i was not meeting up to the expectations and i was not returning her feelings of utmost care and love i began fearful of the future. i thought very long and hard, i personally think it stems from insecurities and low self worth on my part that subconsciously i might not think i deserve a happy relationship or to be happy in general hence the self destructing behaviour, i also have an intimate relationship with my independence and i feel that I'm not allowing myself to love or be loved. in the end i feel like an utter scumbag yet I'm not a player and while i do enjoy random sex i feel its never for anything more than to reclaim my independence (i know this because when I'm single i hardly feel the urge to get it and divulge in it rarely). ultimately i just don't know what to do i feel myself sinking into depression unable to feel anything and while I would say i definitely have 'commitment issues' i want nothing more than to be happy and to make someone else happy. (p.s childhood issues may play a role greatly) Thankyou for reading ill be happy to follow up any questions and any insight would be amazing

[Crazy Hitch]

Sounds to me like you're a sex addict.

You should consider finding a therapist who deals with this type of thing.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Nicko124

so the reason I'm writing this thread is that I've just broken up a perfectly healthy and loving relationship of 4 months, it makes no sense to me and it definitely makes no sense to my past lover. In every relationship I've had I've either cheated or gotten lazy and inconsiderate etc from what would start as a seemingly great boyfriend, i fear that the cheating arises from fear of committing to the relationship and as a man that rarely expresses his feelings and suffers from on and off depression as well as enjoys his independence and space i feel its an attempt to grasp at the independence and single life without disturbing the relationship. i obviously know this is wrong on many levels but it never phases me nor do i tell anyone. This brings me to my last relationship, following 6 months from my last serious 2 year relationship; i thought it was a time to give it another shot i figured id gotten all the random sex out of the way and this time i will finally commit this girl was great and we clicked like I've never clicked before with anyone, things were going swell but as the weeks went on i noticed myself being inconsiderate unwilling to announce our relationship on Facebook, i wasn't complimenting her anymore and i was being really cheap sometimes even giving her second hand gifts, i went from a perfect boyfriend to what would seem like a casual friend with benefits, on top of this i was feeling more and more trapped, the lust to cheat was growing and my self worth as a boyfriend and person diminishing, it would seem i had/have a self destructive attitude this occurred almost as an epiphany. i was her first boyfriend and thought it was my duty to be the best i can be, when i noticed i was not meeting up to the expectations and i was not returning her feelings of utmost care and love i began fearful of the future. i thought very long and hard, i personally think it stems from insecurities and low self worth on my part that subconsciously i might not think i deserve a happy relationship or to be happy in general hence the self destructing behaviour, i also have an intimate relationship with my independence and i feel that I'm not allowing myself to love or be loved. in the end i feel like an utter scumbag yet I'm not a player and while i do enjoy random sex i feel its never for anything more than to reclaim my independence (i know this because when I'm single i hardly feel the urge to get it and divulge in it rarely). ultimately i just don't know what to do i feel myself sinking into depression unable to feel anything and while I would say i definitely have 'commitment issues' i want nothing more than to be happy and to make someone else happy. (p.s childhood issues may play a role greatly) Thankyou for reading ill be happy to follow up any questions and any insight would be amazing

This... right here:

i also have an intimate relationship with my independence

is the one thing that stood out in everything you've said. In today's day and age, it is socially acceptable to be someone that likes to have sex without relationships. But the problem here lies in the fact that there is a part of you that wants the intimacy of a relationship with one girl as her boyfriend, lover, etc. Your independence is very high on your list of priorities and this later overrides your need to be with someone and be in a relationship. The pull for independence for you is strong enough to make you want to regain that.

here's the thing, it may take you some time to realize, grow, learn and understand that independence is not mutually exclusive with being single. Being independent is actually something that every person in a relationship also holds onto but all while remaining faithful and commited to the relationship. Because two overly dependent (or one in some cases) makes for a relationship full of trouble. At some point you'll have to realize that being independent does not require you to be alone. What it does require is being able to separate your ability to do your own thing, to have your own interests etc from having to be single. And then finding the right type of person who will also respect your independence.

Independence is also not defined by your ability to have random sex. In a way one can be dependent on that too...