[annxo]

I decided to look through my boyfriend's phone last week while he was asleep and I found messages of him flirting with other girls and now I feel terrible...I guess I should of suspected it to turn out that way....I guess because I never lie to him and I wouldn't care if he looked through my phone since I have nothing to hide I thought it would be ok...It's been driving me crazy... he knows how hurt I am and he has been telling me that it meant nothing...he's been making nice dinners for me and taking me shopping since.. I can't help but wonder if it's because he feels guilty or because he genuinely means it.. This sucks..

It sucks because I can't unsee it...

I feel alone

[Bill3]

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm not surre if you feel terrible for looking through his phone, or the fact that he's flirting with other girls.. If you feel the need to check on him, though, that's something to think about. It means that you don't trust him that much maybe? Either way, I'm sorry

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by annxo

I decided to look through my boyfriend's phone last week while he was asleep and I found messages of him flirting with other girls and now I feel terrible...

The fact that he was asleep when you did this kind of says that you knew from the get go that it wasn't really a good thing to be doing. I know that it's been said before, but if the shoe were on the other foot, and you were snooped on, would that be ok with you? Regardless of whether he would find anything to be offended with, just the idea of him checking up on you when you hadn't given him explicit permission to... something to think about. The golden rule applies here.

in Addition, I don't know about what you think of this but the truth is as individuals we really have the right to privacy, even from our own spouse, so or gf/bf. There needs to be a certain amount of security in knowing we have areas we know are completely safe from the world. This is not an excuse to do things questionable but everyone likes some things in their lives, and personas to be kept private. I think if this is applied to yourself you would agree.

I guess I should of suspected it to turn out that way

Why? has he cheated on you? Has he ever lied, deceived or done anything to deserve this distrust in him or is this an assumption because it's a more deep rooted assumption about men or other people in general? I'm curious to know why you "should have" suspected it. What it sounds like is that you were suspicious already which is what motivated you to snoop.

....I guess because I never lie to him and I wouldn't care if he looked through my phone since I have nothing to hide I thought it would be ok

Ask yourself that question honestly. It's easy to say "well I'd be ok with it" when you aren't facing the fact that someone already did this or that you think they "would never do that" anyway. But honestly ... I wonder, if it really would be ok, because almost no one I know is ok with someone snooping on them even people that dont' have anything to hide. Snooping and looking through your private things is just not something that's typically acceptable by most people.

...It's been driving me crazy... he knows how hurt I am and he has been telling me that it meant nothing...he's been making nice dinners for me and taking me shopping since.. I can't help but wonder if it's because he feels guilty or because he genuinely means it.. This sucks..

he can be both, feeling bad about whats happened, and that you're angry with him and actually genuinely mean what he says, they are not mutually exclusive. I would imagine a person, that was caught flirting, whether or not it was a serious thing, would feel bad once they see how it upset their SO. it wouldn't matter if it was just playful or serious attempts at cheating.

Heck I was with someone for a very long time who would accuse me of flirting when I was completely innocent. I would be told that when I glanced at some random girl, I was basically ogling, and therefore cheating. I lived under this type of oppression a long time and my only point is this. I never cheated and was innocent of pretty much all charges (I'm not entirely a pure soul, so yeah I've glanced at attractive women, but who hasn't?) But yet... I felt bad and felt I needed to make amends anyway... because frankly she was convinced that I was guilty anyway... there was an amount of undeserved guilt that I dealt with for years... so yeah, he may feel guilty whether or not he was doing anything deceitful in the first place.

It sucks because I can't unsee it...

I feel alone

[Entity06]

I read your other thread too and my personal impression is that the message you're referring to is rather ambiguous. I mean, could it indicate something happened? Sure, it could, but at the same time, it doesn't sound like it. If anything it either sounds like this friend was referring to an interaction with someone else or, at most, saying she's guilty for feeling attracted to him. That's at most and in a way that would suggest nothing happened.

I know myself that it's hard to stay calm and not jump to conclusions when something is ambiguous enough it could mean something. Still, you should listen to what he has to say and just try to have a conversation that isn't completely governed by the anxiety brought on by your fears. Why? Not because it's wrong to feel that way but because it tends to make people defensive regardless of whether they did something wrong or not, and you want a genuine reaction.

As for looking through his phone. I think that having complete trust and being fully open and intimate with someone means that you both have nothing to hide but also don't feel the need to look through each other's stuff. It's like, for ex, your partner leaving his phone on the table without a password and generally speaking not minding you using it but also you not feeling the need to "snoop". You both have to be open with each other but also trusting. You should trust enough and be honest enough with each other that you can still give some privacy to one another without asking for it.

If I was with someone and felt the only way I can stop him from cheating is by regulating and policing all his interactions with other women, that would mean he's either untrustworthy or I'm unable to trust him. Both are not signs of a healthy connection.

If a partner, man or woman, really wants or is going to cheat on you, they could cheat on you while you're talking on the phone, they could cheat on you no matter how much you try to check their every step, no matter how much you try to forbid them to have any contact with anyone of the gender they're attracted to. Do you want someone who won't cheat because you're like the KGB, following their every step, or do you want to be with someone in a relationship that works and where that person is loyal because they want to be loyal?

In this case, I think there's a strong chance you might be jumping to wrong conclusions, I don't really see much of a case for cheating, not from that text at least so I think more than anything you just have to have an honest discussion and work on your relationship together, find a compromise where he's more mindful of your fears and you're trying to keep them from completely taking over.

Originally Posted by annxo

I decided to look through my boyfriend's phone last week while he was asleep and I found messages of him flirting with other girls and now I feel terrible...I guess I should of suspected it to turn out that way....I guess because I never lie to him and I wouldn't care if he looked through my phone since I have nothing to hide I thought it would be ok...It's been driving me crazy... he knows how hurt I am and he has been telling me that it meant nothing...he's been making nice dinners for me and taking me shopping since.. I can't help but wonder if it's because he feels guilty or because he genuinely means it.. This sucks..

It sucks because I can't unsee it...

I feel alone

As I wrote about in your other thread about this matter, "snooping" on your boyfriend's cellphone was warranted. You decided to look through his cellphone because something about his behavior was "off" no doubt, to lead you to suspect something.

I will repeat myself in this thread: you had every right to look at your boyfriend's cellphone, espe. if you suspect he's sending flirty/sexy texts or is receiving them from someone other than you. You found evidence on your boyfriend's cellphone of inappropriate text messages. The guilt you feel is him projecting his guilt on to you. What you should feel instead, is betrayed and angry. But guilty? Why?

As I said in your other thread about this matter; a healthy relationship is transparent. Neither person should be accused of "snooping" if they pick up their partner's cellphone and read the text messages because they suspect something isn't right. More times than not, when someone is put in that position (their partner is sneaking behind their back, texting another person on their cellphone), they have every right to look for evidence of cheating because it's usually there. And if it isn't, then it isn't. But it isn't snooping.

Those who disagree with my belief about transparency in a relationship obviously have different values than I do. If I'm in a relationship with a man, if he has something to hide from me, I have every right to look for it -- evidence of him cheating. Which I did. Twice. The first time, he told me upfront about his flirty female friend (who was his assistant at his job, and this set off red flags for me). A bit into the relationship, we had exchanged apartment keys. I came home early one day and found him sitting on his couch all gussied up, and I asked him, "is that what you're wearing to the gym?" because he'd told me that morning after work he would stop at his place to grab his gym clothes.

I suspected he was meeting up with this woman behind my back -- he never made an effort to introduce her and I to each other -- and I was correct. He admitted he lied to me about going to the gym, because he really had set up an afternoon "coffee date" with her. I tried to break up with him immediately by telling him that I wasn't interested in being two-timed and if it was a platonic meeting with her, I wanted to come along.

He refused to let me tag along. He went to the bathroom before he left, and left his phone on the couch so I looked at the text messages. Sure enough, he texted her "I can't stop thinking about you." Her response, "Me too. See you soon." I left his phone on the couch, grabbed my bag of clothes, grabbed my spare key from his keys, took off his key from my keychain and left. He sent me a passive-aggressive text after I left, on his way to see her, "I knew you snooped." As if to deflect from what he was doing -- cheating on me with this woman. What a loser!

So, OP, stop beating yourself up. Your guilt is the result of others projecting their judgement and shame and guilt on to you. You did the right thing by looking for evidence of cheating on your boyfriend's cellphone. Anyone who tries to shame you, criticize you, or judge you as being wrong for doing so, is totally wrong! It's common sense to look for evidence of cheating when you suspect your partner of it. To not do anything, is to remain a victim.

And fyi, the nice dinners etc., that your boyfriend is giving you, now that you caught him doing something inappropriate is to manipulate you. It is a way for him to enable you into the passive victim role. It's the common tool used by emotional and physical abusers; they commit the abuse, then shower their victim with romantic gestures, gifts, and false apologies. Then they do the act of abuse again. Your boyfriend will not stop texting this woman. "It's no big deal" is just his way of copping out on you.

If your boyfriend really respected you, he never would have exchanged flirty texts with this woman in the first place. If you choose to stay with this guy, well, ask yourself why? If you do stay, and his behavior doesn't change, and he accuses you of snooping (as a way to deflect you away from holding him accountable for his own actions), just remember he's doing that to keep you distracted from the real issue, which is that he is not being honest with you about this woman's role in his life, and your role in his life as his girlfriend. Maybe he doesn't want to be monogamous with you anymore. Maybe he is a serial flirt and your dislike of that behavior irritates him, so he deflects it on to you, as if its your fault he is a flirt, because he feels guilty for acting like such a douche bag with you but wants you to feel guilty so he doesn't have to.

Have a conversation with him. Be frank about what your expectations are. Don't apologize for "snooping." You had every right to do so. If he values you, he won't hold it against you and will see where you are coming from. However, if he doesn't value you, he will try to make you feel guilty for following your gut about his sneaky behavior. And that shows you his true colors: he's a cad.

[~Christina]

If I felt the need to snoop on my husbands phone I would talk to him and say I'm insecure or concerned etc .

Adult conversation(s) would be taking place.

[s4ndm4n2006]

feeling the need to snoop says that you're assuming they are hiding something from you already. If you think this in the first place, there are two reasons. Either they have given you evidence to support your suspicion already and in that case confronting them on that issue is what should happen. If there is no evidence, it's pure speculation and suspicion based on your own insecurities, in that case addressing your bf and bringing up your insecurities maturely would still be the case. If you have a good mate, they will do what they can to ease your insecurities and perhaps at that point they would open up their phone to you looking if need be.

There is a case for personal privacy and I find that most people that claim they have the right to other's private areas it's because either they have been wronged in the past by cheaters or deceived by someone, and although that's a valid reason for the fear, I still point to the second method I stated above. The other case is they are the type of person that is prone to deception themselves and their actions speak more to a projection of themselves in their being suspicious of other people.

In neither case, is there a right by any partner to snoop, sneak and poke around in the other's private areas. This in and of itself is the same thing as being deceitful yourself. and as always two wrongs dont' make a right.

[annxo]

I never mentioned the other messages between him and this completely other girl where he was telling her how he's been crushing on her all week and she said she's been fantasizing about the things she wants him to do to her... then he was also texting his best friend asking her what she thinks of her and then she said that she's psycho and to stay away from her.... when I brought this up to my boyfriend he instantly broke up with me... and then 5 minutes into me packing my bags he ran upstairs and apologized for hurting me and said that he doesn't want to break up with me and that it was just flirting and nothing more and it was never going to go anywhere.... He said he just likes the attention. I messaged the girl personally and she said that he's been asking her out on dates and saying that I'm crazy and not even his girlfriend... anyhow I read the messages so I already know everything that was said and half of that wasn't even true (the words she was saying, my boyfriend never even said) .. I live with him for christ sake... So I told her to stay away from him and she told me not to worry because she doesn't want him. That same night I seen her across the bar where me and my boyfriend went out for a drink (it's the same spot both of us work and everyone goes on a Wednesday night).... she was with her friends and all over some guy....my boyfriend and I had a chat afterwards and he explained that he's still having "aftermath shocks" from being screwed over by so many girls (one of them being a 10 year relationship) and that he's sorry. I told him that if he still isn't over his past relationships then maybe we need to be alone.... and then he told me that he loves me and that I'm the one he wants to be with... we've been together for a year and a half...

That happened last night and today everything has been ok.

I guess I thought I would explain a little better.

I apologized to him for looking through his phone and that it was the wrong thing to do, so for everyone coming at me about that.. you can just stop now.

This isn't really a problem between us anymore... I thought I would just give this post an update.

[~Christina]

Do you mind my asking you're age ?

I see the word " crushing on" and I think high school stuff

[annxo]

Those were the exact words used.. I'm 23.

Too much drama. Perhaps you two need to go your separate ways.