I could really use some advice or guidance or anything positive because I feel like I am about to breakdown. Here’s why; been with my boyfriend for 8 years now, met when I was 19. He has been the only guy I’ve ever dated, kissed, been with, etc. At first it was exactly what I needed because I crawled out of a very broken dysfunctional home, but I did not come out unscathed. He and his family picked me up, built me up, gave me the experiences I have never had before, what I needed desperately at the time. But now, 8 years later, all I can see now when I look at our relationship are red flags. He scooped me up when I had no support system whatsoever, so there were no objections from anyone when I disappeared off the map for 8 years. He subtly manipulates me into not having any friends of my own because each one I tired to make he has had a massive problem with and went bonkers until I got to the point where I just completely stopped trying. Stopped trying to go out and socialize. Stopped trying to go make new experiences and memories. Stopped trying to travel. Basically just stopped being an individual. Now I have been working very hard to reclaim what I have lost, and every step of the way he has fought me. Something is always wrong and its always my fault. I’ve laid down my “rules” for reclaiming my individuality and told him how I felt about him, which of course he didn’t hear because he was too focused on how the words made him feel instead of what they meant. Well longer story short, I somehow managed to meet someone online, a couple hours away from me, and we’ve hit it off pretty well. Haven’t noticed any red flags, yet, and he legit makes me feel really good about myself, something my bf has apparently forgotten how to do despite me doing it to him all the time. I put in way more effort into the relationship than he does. And now that there is this guy, this cute country boy who is slowly stealing my attention, I feel so confused and terrible. I had been on the fence about the current relationship for a couple months now, just basically waiting it out to see if he could/would change, or just waiting for another ballistic moment where I could justifiably leave without too much trouble, because he will stop me and has before, which I just learned is a form of false imprisonment just so you all know. But each day that passes my bf can sense that I’m drifting farther away and has tried to step up his game because he can sense he is going to lose me if he doesn’t get his **** together. Part of me needs to leave because there is just too much to overcome in the relationship, part of me wants to salvage everything because I love him and his family so dearly and I could never repay them for their kindness in my darkest time, and part of me wants to run to this new guys arms and just experience everything I have never been able to before. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to feel. I feel like I’m going mad and it’s so distressing. I need some help. I have a therapist I go to weekly, and that does help a lot, but at the end of each session, after telling her everything and how I feel, she always ends the session with a little prep lesson on how I can safely get out of the relationship. I’m swimming in a sea of doubt and I can’t stop gulping it in. I’m going to sink. How much longer do I have to hold out?

[Sunflower123]

Just my opinion....you might consider leaving the guy you're with now and move on to the new one for various reasons. I hope you will. You deserve it. You do not deserve to be manipulated and controlled. You deserve to have friends and freedom. Best wishes.

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Just my opinion....you might consider leaving the guy you're with now and move on to the new one for various reasons. I hope you will. You deserve it. You do not deserve to be manipulated and controlled. You deserve to have friends and freedom. Best wishes.

I have gotten that response from several close individuals I sought consult with.. And don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that you can sympathize with my current situation tremendously. But it really is just not that simple. If there was blatant unbridled manipulation and abuse going on, of course it would be so easy for me to leave and feel justified. But this manipulation is so subtle, it doesn't always come with enraged outbursts or yelling. It's always so subtle that me, an MHP, struggles to handle something I've been trained to counsel my clients on. I almost feel like I have to wait until he loses his cool and snaps off, because that's when his true colors shine the most brilliant red. When it would be the easiest for me to walk away. Because the bottom line is I still love the guy and his family so much it hurts and the thought of unprovokingly causing them extreme pain and distress literally breaks my heart into millions of pieces. He's happy in the relationship. I've tried making changes and I've tried communicating how I feel, but nothing has ever changed. I am beginning to scare myself because the level of pressure and feelings of being overwhelmed by indecisiveness and lack of sense of self have been leading me to have thoughts that would be in nobody's best interest. I'm not suicidal, I don't have any plans, I deal with that stuff every day at work. However... it is a first for me to think about it and get a feeling like "ahh... at least all of the intense stress and uncertainty would be gone. Forever. Wouldn't that be nice.." Don't worry, I am 100% safe and would never ever act on it and I can recognize that Passive SI does not mean anything more than the recognition of that passing thought. But it is there. It is caused from all of this weight I shoulder around day in and day out. It's in my dreams. Its the first thing on my mind when I wake up. Its the things I contemplate all day. Its the things I ruminate on as I lay in bed for hours staring at the ceiling. I can almost describe it as something my body is doing for me, as my mind can no longer seem to handle it and consistently pushes it off to the back burner. I'm sure I feel like this is all waaaay more serious than it really is, but its my life, I'm scared, I don't have any social supports outside of my current relationship. I just don't want to make any mistakes or ruin anything or hurt anyone. But most of all.... I don't want to hurt like this anymore...

[Open Eyes]

So you also work in the Mental Health field Whis? Did you go to school for that?

I am just asking because at least you have a way to support yourself if need be.

I am sorry you are experiencing this dilemma. As far as this other guy you met online, well, that could be a situation where you go from the frying pan into the fire. Some people can seem so incredibly charming but have something hidden that can become quite the challenge.

It sounds like this current boyfriend is way too possessive in an unhealthy way. Not letting you have friends and isolating you is not a good sign. Always remember, you are not another person's property, you have a right to have friends and things you like to do for yourself.

Don't have the breakdown, stay strong and while I know you care about him and the family, you have to do what's right for you. Some people you simply cannot change, these people themselves must want to change. If this BF is controlling in unhealthy ways, then you have to think about yourself. You have a lot of fear, but you must be strong for yourself. Glad you are seeing a therapist.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

So you also work in the Mental Health field Whis? Did you go to school for that?

I am just asking because at least you have a way to support yourself if need be.

I am sorry you are experiencing this dilemma. As far as this other guy you met online, well, that could be a situation where you go from the frying pan into the fire. Some people can seem so incredibly charming but have something hidden that can become quite the challenge.

It sounds like this current boyfriend is way too possessive in an unhealthy way. Not letting you have friends and isolating you is not a good sign. Always remember, you are not another person's property, you have a right to have friends and things you like to do for yourself.

Don't have the breakdown, stay strong and while I know you care about him and the family, you have to do what's right for you. Some people you simply cannot change, these people themselves must want to change. If this BF is controlling in unhealthy ways, then you have to think about yourself. You have a lot of fear, but you must be strong for yourself. Glad you are seeing a therapist.

Yes, I work in the mental health field as a recovery specialist for a crisis and residential facility. I got my bachelors of science in Psychology and would like to pursue my masters for art therapy. So yes, I have the means to support myself. And I am all too aware that the new guy online may be a minefield under the surface, but from the questions I engage him with I have not noticed any red flags, yet. And I am all too aware that that too may just be the way he presents himself via that media. But the saddest part is I want to meet him and see for myself. And yes I know I have all these rights to be happy and do whats best for myself, but it gets to a point where I wonder at what cost? Is completely destroying someone I care deeply about really going to make me happy? I mean how long will I have to wait before time heals those wounds? How can I force myself to move on when I would feel like a total bag of crap because I caused others immense pain and turmoil? Is selfishness really worth it? To some its a no brainer. And I envy those people. People tell me to follow my heart. My heart wants to find a way to get what I need and not destroy the people I've come to love. Why don't I love myself as much as I love them? Why do I feel like I am going to make some sort of really drastic decision on the fly without control? I know I'm seeing a therapist and it has been helping, but I feel like I need a lot more help than that right now and just simply do not possess the resources to get them. I'm trying my hardest to be strong. Once upon a time I prided myself in my strength.... But that died long ago when I lost myself. Now I'm just terrified. My hands are trembling even typing this...

[Open Eyes]

Sometimes people we love, though they may seem caring, teach us to devalue ourselves and put the needs of others before our own needs.

You are not the same person who crawled away from a broken abusive home. You were very young still and in a way these people parented you. You have learned a lot, gotten educated and you are at the point where you would like to be on your own.

How old is this boyfriend?

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Sometimes people we love, though they may seem caring, teach us to devalue ourselves and put the needs of others before our own needs.

You are not the same person who crawled away from a broken abusive home. You were very young still and in a way these people parented you. You have learned a lot, gotten educated and you are at the point where you would like to be on your own.

How old is this boyfriend?

He is 28. I am now 27.
And what you say rings so true with me that it's a big relief to hear it come from someone else. It feels so vindicating.

[Open Eyes]

Ok, so you were only 19 and he was 20 when you began your relationship. You were both VERY young yet and if you think about it, look how much you have matured since then. You "are" a different person from that scared 19 year old girl.

These people took you in, they helped you, but they do not "own" you. The boyfriend, from what you have described acts like he "owns" you. Also, there are things you missed, having friends, socializing with different boys and dating etc. You only know him as you said and it sounds like he is controlling and smothering you. It's no wonder you are unhappy.

Do you live with him? If so, that's another thing, you never had a chance to live on your own either.

[Trippin2.0]

I also hesitated, thought the subtleties weren't good enough reasons to end the relationship and destroy the relationship built with his family.

I also thought finding myself and asserting my independence would improve the relationship.

Boy was I wrong.

My independence lead to black eyes and bruised ribs, and a very traumatic break up.

You know the ins and the outs here, you know which side is up, what's right and wrong, and where each path leads.

Problem is you're allowing your heart to call the shots, may I remind you that our hearts have zero ability to think rationally, following them can lead to the very depths of hell.

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by Whiis

He's happy in the relationship.

Respectfully, I have an extremely hard time believing that someone who acts in a manipulative and controlling manner could actually be 'happy' in such a relationship.... In fact I would encourage you to reconsider this assessment. People who are truly 'happy' in their relationships would treat the other person with love, consideration, kindness, and RESPECT - they would want the absolute best for the other person...

Something else to be mindful and aware of is that in reference to this other person you've been communicating with - well you do not completely and fully know this person yet and his overall nature/character. So there could easily be a tendency for your mind to create a very idealistic image of this person and to imagine very idealistic circumstances or outcomes concerning you and his involvement in your life. The reason this could be likely to happen is because your current circumstances (involving your BF) are understandably undesirable and you understandably could be longing for the type of relationship that would be fulfilling and rewarding. So I would just kindly encourage you to do your best to remain mindful/aware of this possible outcome and try not to get ahead of yourself... With any new individual who comes into your life - I feel it's best to take things slow and to explore whether or not someone could be a good, reliable, trusthworthy FRIEND to you - before they could be anything more...

[MickeyCheeky]

Subtle manipulation is still manipulation.. and in some ways it's even worse.

[Open Eyes]

Whiis,

The reason you are worried about having a breakdown, is because of how emotionally overwhelmed you are right now. It can be very challenging to think logically when being emotionally overwhelmed.

Being that you also "help" others in the capacity that you do, experiencing what you are experiencing isn't such a bad thing, especially if you slowly learn how to gradually pull yourself out of experiencing this emotional overwhelm.

You are grateful to this family, you love them for helping you when you had no one. That's normal, it's normal to want to be loyal to the people that take time to "care" the way you described. What you gained from that is probably one of the biggest reasons you entered the field you are in too. Ofcourse you don't want to hurt these people, that's completely understandable.

However, the relationship you have with this boyfriend that you are describing is "not" healthy for you. You are noticing all the ways he makes you "feel" trapped, controlled, unhappy. Not only that but the training you have is also telling you "logically" that you are in an unhealthy relationship too.

As far as this other guy you have been talking to online is concerned, what really attracts you to him the most is how he makes you "feel". So, what that is REALLY saying is you are with a boyfriend who leaves you feeling "upset', unhappy, and controlled. While the other interactions you have been experiencing with this other guy leaves you feeling the way you "want" to feel.

So what you have been describing here is how you are in a relationship where you are servicing all the emotional needs of this boyfriend while at the same time your own feelings are suffering. What you are describing is that you have become a codependent to this boyfriend.

This boyfriend's parents were very caring towards you, I am sure they are kind caring people, but, unfortunately, parents like that can create a child that turns out like your boyfriend, "entitled" and "controlling". So he found you, brought you home like a lost puppy and his parents took you in and helped and cared for you, but, this boyfriend was also "handed" that and he looks at you as if you are his property. AND, his parents taught him that when he wants something and is unhappy, they "fixed" it and he learned how to gain control "emotionally" by learning that when he gets upset he gets what he wants and now you know are seeing that because "his" feelings are more important and "you" have to fix that "for" him. So, as I mentioned, you have been taught to be a codependent and he was taught that is what you are supposed to be "for" him.

What you have described is how you are becoming very aware of how you are now trapped in a relationship that "demands" you to be a codependent and your relationship revolves around "him" and making "him" happy. That's a full time job and it robs a person of their personal freedom. With a person like this "I love you for what love you give me and that is how this is played and I am the one with all the buttons I can push to make sure you give me what I want".

The relationship you have online "at least right now at face value", is different in that you are experiencing what it's like to have "your" needs respected where you "feel" you are getting something and it feels nice.

The thing to watch out for when this happens though is how an unhealthy person can make you feel like you are the best, you are wonderful and complete "their" world. That is what takes place in the beginning with a narcissist. Now, that is not all that different from a young nineteen year old getting taken in like a pet puppy by a guy that isn't much older and is still in the "all about me world" at his age who's parents tend to give him what he wants, and has taught him how to push their buttons where he gets emotional and they "fix" it for him so he is used to getting what he wants. So basically, you are living in HIS world and he doesn't really recognize "your" world.

You are going to have to be careful of this dynamic Whiis because you already have a caring heart and that can make it so you are more susceptible to this trap.

I understand this is a huge challenge for you emotionally because it's clear you don't want to hurt anyone. Yet, you have to find your way to setting that aside so you can sit and think about these dynamics logically. That can be a challenge but you don't want to experience a breakdown so be "patient" and caring with self while you work on this in a logical way.

I just want to say a very heartfelt and respectful thank you to @Open Eyes, @Trippin2.0, and @Wolfgaze for all of your input. I am extremely grateful. @Open Eyes, yes we live together. That's part of the reason I am feeling such a time crunch to figure this all out, because our lease is up in 2 months. I have to figure out my next move and do so fairly quickly. The situation is continuing to unfold and I still have a lot to consider, but I would like to make it clear that I am indeed being incredibly mindful and cautious both with my bf and the new individual I have been talking to. @Wolfgaze, I completely agree that I could be sensationalizing this new person subconsciously as a result of my current relationship. And I will be extra cautious in that regard. But I am aware. But I'm still human. Everything isn't in black and white, if it was it would be easier. I know there is a very long road ahead of me and the best thing for me to do is to just start walking.

[Open Eyes]

There is a lot of gray, so true, and it takes time to sit and slowly work through all the emotions involved. I think "part" of the problem in this equation is a desire to have your own space too. You have done a lot of growing and never had that time to yourself.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

There is a lot of gray, so true, and it takes time to sit and slowly work through all the emotions involved. I think "part" of the problem in this equation is a desire to have your own space too. You have done a lot of growing and never had that time to yourself.

I think you are very right. Ive never lived on my own or had that time to myself. I want it. I need it. But I don't want to break hearts to get it. It leads me back to the question is being selfish worth hurting others? I know the phrase "loyal to a fault" comes in to play here, but still.... why can't I get what I need and not ruin others lives? Can't one have their cake and eat it too?

[Open Eyes]

Since when is wanting to take the floaties off when swimming and wanting to swim on one's own selfish? Since when is wanting to finally take the training wheels off a bike and learn to ride without selfish? Since when is it selfish when a child is ready to let go to take some steps on their own when learning to walk?

It's not being selfish when wanting to have the experience of being on one's own and having time to explore life that way, to be able to call one's own shots for a change.

People who really love you should be able to understand that.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Since when is wanting to take the floaties off when swimming and wanting to swim on one's own selfish? Since when is wanting to finally take the training wheels off a bike and learn to ride without selfish? Since when is it selfish when a child is ready to let go to take some steps on their own when learning to walk?

It's not being selfish when wanting to have the experience of being on one's own and having time to explore life that way, to be able to call one's own shots for a change.

People who really love you should be able to understand that.

From that perspective it is a very natural thing to grow and move on from the things that you once relied on. And with each of those examples a parent would be thrilled that their child made it past that milestone. But how would the parents act if their child completed a milestone (a milestone the parent would have never wanted the child to complete in the first place, which in this case was me fixing myself and regaining independence) and then left them, never to be seen again? Because that's the reality of what I'm looking at. Saying "Hey thanks for everything. You've helped me out so much when I needed it the most, but I've past my milestone and no longer need you, so Bye". That's how I feel for the most part about his family. I feel similar about my bf, but he is the one with the red flags, so part of me would be relieved to look at it all in the rear view mirror as I pulled away. But I cannot stress enough, these are good people who don't deserve any more pain in their lives.
You know how medical professionals advise to leave the knife in if you've been stabbed, because pulling it out would cause more damage and bleeding? In this scenario I'm the knife. There is no way I could pull away without causing severe damage. Even though I know they love me, I know they would not be able to understand. And I guess it's facing that which has been keeping me from making any decisions or moves. The other new evolution of the situation is through my counseling sessions, my bf can tell something is up with me. He says I look sad or have a chip on my shoulder. Which is only the tip of the iceberg. But hes trying to be extra nice and sweet now. Like trying REALLY hard. And I can't tell if its a self preserving behavior to maintain the relationship, or if it is another attempt to reel me back into a false sense of security, or if it's genuine. Like a genuine change in his attitude/perception. And the gentleman I have been talking too keeps saying how he is just dying to finally meet me. Go to lunch or whatever and just meet face to face. The pressure of that has already lead me to make firm boundaries stating that I simply cannot at this time, but am keeping an open mind for the future. Today has been the hardest day for me in all of this by far, because not only am I carrying around this apocalyptic storm in my head, I have to go so above and beyond at work and cover multiple positions because we are so short staffed. And today... it all is just very overwhelming. I snapped off on my boss just moments ago, not in a disrespectful way, but in an "you are overworking me and I have enough stress in my life the last thing i need is to be taken advantage of at work. Because to me, the issue of leaving a residential building full of clients unattended for 4 hours is completely dangerous and unacceptable... but I have to pick up that slack "and be the team player" considering that none of my other co workers ever freakin extend the same consideration. I feel like I could cry. I feel like I could crawl into a ball in the corner and sob myself to sleep just to escape the consciousness of my situation, even for just a few moments. I know I am very overwhelmed. I know I need help. But what I don't know... is what to do next. I wonder how long I can hold out like this...

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Subtle manipulation is still manipulation.. and in some ways it's even worse.

I couldn't agree more. If it was blatant manipulation I would feel justified enough to just walk away without looking back. But this one... its so twisted and complicated that I actually care and try hard not to rock the boat... and then I beat myself up inside for falling for it all over again. But my bf is still a kind hearted baby inside... i know he truly loves me. And I feel that he cannot help his manipulative ways because that was the way he learned to control his environment as a kid. But despite all of that understanding, I still feel slighted. I still stare at the red flags.... Despite all of the love I feel for him... even when I'm next to him, in my head I am light years away. I've turned to putting on the most convincing masks I've ever crafted in my life and playing my normal rolls, but the whole time I am staring at everyone and everything through new eyes... Eyes with my best interests in mind... not his anymore...
I feel like my personal growth has hit its cap in this relationship, and his has just begun. But he cant learn the lessons from me. Its one of those things he has to ruminate on for a long period of time with lots of self reflection... which he has never done unless he has felt guilty about some sort of outburst to get his way.

[Open Eyes]

He is pushing your buttons to mother him, that's not your job, he already has a mother.

Also, the thing about this family is that like most families different individuals are put into different roles. You have grown weary of is the role you have been put into and you want to choose your own role for a change.

As far as work is concerned, you have to stand your ground there too. I am sure you are a responsible worker and you genuinely care about the patients. It's not your job to pick up the slack for everyone else though. This is something you have fallen into doing and NOW you are realizing how unhealthy this is for you and you get taken advantage of. Sometimes we actually "train" others to expect things from us to the point where it gets to be unfair and WE are the ones carrying too much of the load. The thing about people is they will use you if they can get away with it, it's human nature. Human beings can get entitled very easily. When it comes to work it's important to not take on too much, after a while it just becomes expected. The individual who is running that work environment is responsible for making sure this place is properly staffed.

You are carrying too much of the load both in your relationships and work environment.

Also, as far as this other guy is concerned, he should never be something you run to, that may be something that is deep in your subconscious mind that you are not consciously aware of. This is most likely connected to how you crawled away from dysfunction to this BF and his family you are involved with now.

But, from what you just described, you are now recognizing the role you have been put in with this BF and his family, and you wear that mask, going along with the role, but NOW you are seeing that it's unhealthy for you.

I am beyond grateful for all of the wonderful advice and input from everyone. I am disappointed in myself tonight because, to keep from cracking under the immense pressures I am feeling, I self medicated with xanax. Yes I have a prescriptions, and yes I take them only when I absolutely need to.They're only 1mg. But 1) I don't like to take them because they literally make me feel like a walking numb zombie. And 2) I always feel like a failure when I have to take one because it shows I'm too weak or broken to handle everything in a healthy manner. I feel like I could just lay my head on my desk and go unconscious until the end of my shift. Please, nobody worry, this is not a cry for help, this is not a shout out for attention, this is not a declaration of addiction. I am simply stating I am disappointed in myself for having to rely on manufactured chemical alterations in order to "deal" with my situation in order to survive another night at work without melting down.

[Open Eyes]

Don't be hard on yourself for taking a xanex, it's not like you abuse them.

I always feel like a failure when I have to take one because it shows I'm too weak or broken to handle everything in a healthy manner

You are not too weak or broken, you are just being human and we all can succumb to being overwhelmed with pressure and our emotions.

You are much too hard on yourself (((Whiis))), you actually did a good thing by coming here so you could vent and get support. I think you are also experiencing caregivers overload too. You worry so much about everyone else you need to find a way to get a break from that.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Don't be hard on yourself for taking a xanex, it's not like you abuse them.


You are not too weak or broken, you are just being human and we all can succumb to being overwhelmed with pressure and our emotions.

You are much too hard on yourself (((Whiis))), you actually did a good thing by coming here so you could vent and get support. I think you are also experiencing caregivers overload too. You worry so much about everyone else you need to find a way to get a break from that.

To be honest, I feel like I just need a break from it all so badly. Just like a week to recover and collect myself... but I can't afford to do that. Are there any suggestions that may help with this?

[Open Eyes]

If you can't afford a week, then perhaps start thinking about some weekend getaways "by yourself". Even if you have a day you can spend at a spa where you get a message and your nails done and a pedicure.

I used to take a day and plan a route and go out antique shopping, or go visit a museum and have time to myself to walk around.

It sounds like you are too isolated too by this family where you don't get a chance to cultivate friends. It's fine to give to others, but you can't keep doing that without giving to yourself too. I even took toll painting classes, that was fun.

If you "feel" like you need a break then you need a break so you have to find ways to set aside breaks for yourself. This is also something you should do in case you do decide to make a big change because you need to get used to doing things on your own, and that includes cultivating friends. And if this BF doesn't like it, TOO BAD.

Just to make it very clear for anyone who genuinely gave me heartfelt advice, I broke the news to my boyfriend. It destroyed him. I expected the worst, but he listened to and accepted every single word. He actually F***** heard me. But it's destroyed him. The ball is in his court now. Either prove change or I'm on my way out. I thought this would provide some sort of feeling of relief... But its been the opposite by far. I would like to say again that I appreciate those of you who took the time to actually process my situation and provided good advice. But it has become blatantly clear that there are many individuals who find it easier to be rude and hurtful than helpful. I don't blame them for their interpretations, I blame them for their ignorance and inability to interpret all facets of a situation before deciding to spout off their judgemental biased nonsense. I am removing my information from this site and will not be posting again. Thanks again for those of you who were genuine. To those who aren't capable, I truly pity you.

[Open Eyes]

Oh Whiis ,

I am sorry that you have been upset by advice given to you.

I am sorry your boyfriend listened to what you had to say, what you shared with him about being unhappy. His reaction of being hurt is not your fault though, you were honest and explained to him that you ARE unhappy. You don't have a marriage commitment, you have been with him a long time and you are not wrong for wanting to have some freedom for yourself.

You cannot live your life shielding others from reality and disappoints and even hurt. You have a right to live your own life and make choices for your own well being. You know this is right, you would help someone else make this choice if you saw how unhappy that person was, so you must also do this for yourself.