[RubyRae]

Friendships have been on my mind lately,and the types of people I seem to attract,which I am working on changing.

I seem to attract needy,clingy people.The type that want to be around me at all times,don't give me any space or room to breathe.The ones that want and expect me to help them and fix them,that turn to me when they are in a crisis or just need someone to talk to.The ones that won't back off even just a little.

I have had quite a few friendships like that through the years that haven't turned out well at all.The friendships have turned almost stalker-ish and creepy and I have had to be kind of mean to get rid of them.One woman,I realized it was always better to keep her mad at me over something just to keep her away from me.Another woman,I had to bluntly tell her to stop calling,stop coming to my house,which she continued doing after being told not to.Another I had to explain to her(nicely) that I couldn't be friends with her.Another,her crisis calls became overwhelming because they were the most ridiculous things just to get to talk to me and keep me jumping for her.When I would try to end the friendship she would beg me not to leave her,tell me she needed me,ask me how I could just leave her like that,etc. and I had to receive guidance from my T on how to get rid of her.There's many more similar stories,but I think you get the point I'm making.

The other type I seem to attract are those that seem like good friends but like to always get little digs in at me,like to compete with me and after awhile I get really tired of it and end up not wanting to be friends with them anymore.I don't like when people always try to one-up me and I don't understand why they do it in the first place.

I want to change this but first I think I need to figure out why it happens.I'm wondering if maybe it's not that I'm attracting these types of people but rather I'm subconsciously seeking them out or something.

I do know it's very hard for me to ignore anyone in distress,I feel almost compelled to want to help,to want to fix them and ease their hurt.So I don''t understand why I would seek out those that hurt me too.

Any thoughts on this?

You know the saying (in regards to dating)--that you have to date a lot of frogs to find a prince? I suppose we do that in friendship too (when we are are not isolated). Maybe just take it one relationship at a time (don't worry about everything) and don't feel bad if you must "break up with them". Life is to short....

Though, personally, I have never had to "break up with a gf". Since I can be hyperactive, self centered and insensitive I bet there are people who have have ditched or ignored me! But I wouldn't want someone to be my friend out of obligation ever. Theoretically, fakeness would be much worse that being told to "buzz off." It was likely them, not you (the people who were driving you nuts). Don't worry about the future if you can manage it.....

I have been thinking about who matters most in my life lately. It is my family. Don't worry about everyone in your life you interact with--only the ones who matter. Be open to new friendships but don't force them. When we feel better about ourselves--we feel this way.

RubyRae--When I think about it--I have noticed that you are a very sweet person that has a lot of anxiety. I suffer from anxiety too. Sometimes it can be shortlived, but not always. Hope you feel better soon....

[MickeyCheeky]

What you say is interesting - although I don't really have an asnwer. Sorry I'd say: keep trying. Perhaps you just had bad luck up to this point

[RubyRae]

If I were to join a gym,a book club,a 12 step program,whatever,I can pretty much guarantee the people that would be the first ti befriend me would be the 2 types I described above.

The needy,clingy type would start talking to me,telling me all their problems,pulling me in because I would feel bad for them.The other type would seem fine and pull me in that way.

That's what I want to change,maybe I need to watch for red flags right away or something...IDK.

And yes Hopingtrying,I do have a lot of anxiety,I have PTSD,but not really understanding what that has to do with this topic...

Originally Posted by RubyRae

If I were to join a gym,a book club,a 12 step program,whatever,I can pretty much guarantee the people that would be the first ti befriend me would be the 2 types I described above.

The needy,clingy type would start talking to me,telling me all their problems,pulling me in because I would feel bad for them.The other type would seem fine and pull me in that way.

That's what I want to change,maybe I need to watch for red flags right away or something...IDK.

And yes Hopingtrying,I do have a lot of anxiety,I have PTSD,but not really understanding what that has to do with this topic...

I guess I am saying, don't worry if you attract these types. Instead of worrying that you are doing something wrong, just work on being assertive enough to ignore someone you don't like when you start to notice you don't like them (put in earbuds or something?). If your gut says they are bad news--remember that signal and don't let them suck you in. It's OK to be selective. Don't be anxious about not being nice. I am not good at giving people the brush off--my H teases (in regards to door to door salesmen, etc. -- "Sometimes it's good to have an a**h*** around--isn't it?" I smile, kiss him and agree that my life is much better with someone helping me with this....

[TishaBuv]

It's a very interesting question. Do you seek out certain types of people, or do they seek you? I have pondered this much myself.

Is it that you like to feel needed? So you gravitate to needy people, but then it becomes too much.

I have a life-long gf I have had to 'break up' with several times! Yet, we love each other' like sisters'. Very strange stuff.

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

I guess I am saying, don't worry if you attract these types. Instead of worrying that you are doing something wrong, just work on being assertive enough to ignore someone you don't like when you start to notice you don't like them (put in earbuds or something?). If your gut says they are bad news--remember that signal and don't let them suck you in. It's OK to be selective. Don't be anxious about not being nice.

I don't "worry" about attracting these types,as I said,I would like to change it,I want to create a new and different circle,I want to try to surround myself with healthy,positive people,I'm real tired of always ending up with the 2 types I talked about.I want to develop true friendships instead of wasting any more time with the others.

I'm not anxious about not being nice,that has nothing to do with it.And I am being selective,maybe a little too selective actually.Maybe I think they're ok at first and then quickly find too many faults,IDK.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Is it that you like to feel needed? So you gravitate to needy people, but then it becomes too much.

I really don't like or even want to feel needed by anyone other than my loved ones.It seems like too much pressure and responsibility,plus I have enough problems of my own to deal with,the last thing I want is needy people wanting me to help or fix them.Yet I can't seem to resit the 'underdogs' and wanting to help them and lift them up.

Originally Posted by RubyRae

I don't "worry" about attracting these types,as I said,I would like to change it,I want to create a new and different circle,I want to try to surround myself with healthy,positive people,I'm real tired of always ending up with the 2 types I talked about.I want to develop true friendships instead of wasting any more time with the others.

I'm not anxious about not being nice,that has nothing to do with it.And I am being selective,maybe a little too selective actually.Maybe I think they're ok at first and then quickly find too many faults,IDK.

I have decided not to worry about how many friends I have but I suppose that's easier to say when you are married. And I have turned down invitations because my budget is very limited right now. But the secret to getting along is to forgive or laugh about things you don't like. It was easy to turn down my last invitation because it was from a friend who does everything at the last moment. I didn't feel bad saying no because she asked for me to go that very day. A fb friend has forgiven me for it all. In high school, I named our family's dog after her. She wasn't very happy about it. What was I thinking? Would you have forgiven a friend for that?

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

I have decided not to worry about how many friends I have but I suppose that's easier to say when you are married.

That's interesting,I am married and I used to feel that way and maybe one of the reasons I currently hardly even have any friends at all.

Sure,in the beginning of marriage it was all about just spending time with my husband exclusively,but as the years have gone by I realize I really need my own life and my own circle of friends outside of the marriage too in order to feel fulfilled.

I'm not 'worried' about how many friends I have,this isn't a popularity contest I'm involved in or anything,I am just at a point in my life where I just really want some good,wholesome friends that I can spend time with,be close to,without all the added b.s. that has gone along with most friendships I have had so far.

But the secret to getting along is to forgive or laugh about things you don't like.

That's the thing,I want friends that I just click with and do get along with,I don't want my friendships to be like a marriage ,where you have to really work on it all the time.And I don't want to have to always forgive or have to laugh about things I don't like.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you've been experiencing these kinds of relationships. I understand the kind of relationship you're referring too. Maybe think about how these other relationships started and when the first red flags started showing up. Keep in mind the certain diamond in the rough you are looking for and when you see them initiate contact. Could those clingy relationships have become overwhelming because of a lack of healthy boundaries? I wish you much luck in finding the kind of relationships you want. Best wishes.

[Sassandclass]

Originally Posted by RubyRae

I don't "worry" about attracting these types,as I said,I would like to change it,I want to create a new and different circle,I want to try to surround myself with healthy,positive people,I'm real tired of always ending up with the 2 types I talked about.I want to develop true friendships instead of wasting any more time with the others.


I'm not anxious about not being nice,that has nothing to do with it.And I am being selective,maybe a little too selective actually.Maybe I think they're ok at first and then quickly find too many faults,IDK.





I really don't like or even want to feel needed by anyone other than my loved ones.It seems like too much pressure and responsibility,plus I have enough problems of my own to deal with,the last thing I want is needy people wanting me to help or fix them.Yet I can't seem to resit the 'underdogs' and wanting to help them and lift them up.

You sound like a guy I used to know well. From my experience with him, this can be hurtful to all parties involved. You are good at fixing problems and you seem intelligent and proficient in life. Others gravitate to this and feel inclined to tell you things, deep things. They feel like you care (probably because you truly do - you're soft hearted and you truly care for others feelings). They start leaning on you more and more until it's too much. You draw away - because you're feeling uncomfortable with the deeper and deeper responsibility of it all. They feel it - this makes them more clingy because they are trying to get back that closeness. They start to feel insecure because they start to think it's their "fault" you're pulling away. You feel guilty somewhat, but you also need the space to breath. Does any of that sound familiar?

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by RubyRae

I want to change this but first I think I need to figure out why it happens.I'm wondering if maybe it's not that I'm attracting these types of people but rather I'm subconsciously seeking them out or something.

Can you identify any similarities between the relationship dynamic that you experience with these types of 'friends' that you say you're attracting, and with the relationship dynamic that you had with let's say parents, siblings, or childhood friends? Anyone from your past whose energy & behavior/actions which have had a strong impact & impression on you and upon which those effects could be connected to the way that these other individuals are making you feel based on how they treat you?

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by Sassandclass

You sound like a guy I used to know well. From my experience with him, this can be hurtful to all parties involved. You are good at fixing problems and you seem intelligent and proficient in life. Others gravitate to this and feel inclined to tell you things, deep things. They feel like you care (probably because you truly do - you're soft hearted and you truly care for others feelings). They start leaning on you more and more until it's too much. You draw away - because you're feeling uncomfortable with the deeper and deeper responsibility of it all. They feel it - this makes them more clingy because they are trying to get back that closeness. They start to feel insecure because they start to think it's their "fault" you're pulling away. You feel guilty somewhat, but you also need the space to breath. Does any of that sound familiar?

Wow,yes it does sound familiar,very familiar.

Originally Posted by wolfgaze

Can you identify any similarities between the relationship dynamic that you experience with these types of 'friends' that you say you're attracting, and with the relationship dynamic that you had with let's say parents, siblings, or childhood friends? Anyone from your past whose energy & behavior/actions which have had a strong impact & impression on you and upon which those effects could be connected to the way that these other individuals are making you feel based on how they treat you?

Yes,I can,thanks for asking that,it's food for thought.I guess I have never thought about it in that way before,but now you really have me thinking...

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by RubyRae

Yes,I can,thanks for asking that,it's food for thought.I guess I have never thought about it in that way before,but now you really have me thinking...

This is good! Now really encourage yourself to reflect on those particular relationships from your past and how you may have been impacted and affected by them. There very well may be some lasting 'impressions' and residual emotional energy tied to those relationships and interactions which still needs to be resolved and healed. If so, you will eventually discover that when you do experience that healing & resolution - you will cease attracting the types of individuals in your life who mimic the interactions & regenerate the impressions from your past...

[Sassandclass]

[QUOTE=RubyRae;5686778]Wow,yes it does sound familiar,very familiar.


It's nice that you are so caring. You obviously see and focus on the good in others, not just their faults.
What happens after the "breakup" with these ones?

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by wolfgaze

This is good! Now really encourage yourself to reflect on those particular relationships from your past and how you may have been impacted and affected by them. There very well may be some lasting 'impressions' and residual emotional energy tied to those relationships and interactions which still needs to be resolved and healed. If so, you will eventually discover that when you do experience that healing & resolution - you will cease attracting the types of individuals in your life who mimic the interactions & regenerate the impressions from your past...

I have already been reflecting since I read your other post.Realizing my Mother is the type that gets digs in,competes with me,etc and my sister,who is quite a few years older than me,is the type that's clingy,needy,that I've always tried to help and fix.Interesting how I never connected this on my own.I guess I still have some things to resolve.Thanks!

Originally Posted by Sassandclass

It's nice that you are so caring. You obviously see and focus on the good in others, not just their faults.
What happens after the "breakup" with these ones?

TBH,just a couple of days ago I sent one of them a FB message,telling her I hope things are going good for her and that she is doing well.I have been doing that every now and then for a couple of years.I do still think about her and want her to do well.She's the one that would beg me to not leave her and I guess this is my way of not completely abandoning her,yet maintaining the distance away from her that I need.My T helped me with her,I handled it a little differently than what he suggested but my way eases my conscious.The ones that became stalker-ish,I completely ignore,it's the only way to keep them away.

The thing about it though,these people think I have my s*it so together,think I am so brave,so strong,but I don't think they realize I have my own struggles.When I did tell them what I struggle with,they were amazed,said they admire my strength,etc.,which annoyed me because I was trying to get them to understand I have too many issues of my own to be of help to them.Maybe the way I present myself on the outside doesn't convey that or something,IDK.

Maybe I didn't even answer your question properly though,what exactly do you mean,what happens after the breakup?Were you meaning with them or me?

[Sassandclass]

Originally Posted by RubyRae

I have already been reflecting since I read your other post.Realizing my Mother is the type that gets digs in,competes with me,etc and my sister,who is quite a few years older than me,is the type that's clingy,needy,that I've always tried to help and fix.Interesting how I never connected this on my own.I guess I still have some things to resolve.Thanks!





TBH,just a couple of days ago I sent one of them a FB message,telling her I hope things are going good for her and that she is doing well.I have been doing that every now and then for a couple of years.I do still think about her and want her to do well.She's the one that would beg me to not leave her and I guess this is my way of not completely abandoning her,yet maintaining the distance away from her that I need.My T helped me with her,I handled it a little differently than what he suggested but my way eases my conscious.The ones that became stalker-ish,I completely ignore,it's the only way to keep them away.


The thing about it though,these people think I have my s*it so together,think I am so brave,so strong,but I don't think they realize I have my own struggles.When I did tell them what I struggle with,they were amazed,said they admire my strength,etc.,which annoyed me because I was trying to get them to understand I have too many issues of my own to be of help to them.Maybe the way I present myself on the outside doesn't convey that or something,IDK.


Maybe I didn't even answer your question properly though,what exactly do you mean,what happens after the breakup?Were you meaning with them or me?

I suppose I meant with both
How do they take it? Do they find their own wings?
How do you take it? Do you feel any subsequent guilt? Or only relief?

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by Sassandclass

I suppose I meant with both
How do they take it? Do they find their own wings?
How do you take it? Do you feel any subsequent guilt? Or only relief?

Some haven't been happy at all about it and refused to stop calling or coming to my house.IDK how some of them are doing,as I said before,I had to completely ignore the stalker-ish ones because there was no other way.The one I sent a message to recently seems to be doing ok though.

Some I feel guilty about still and regret the way I handled things and others I feel relief over.But the guilt hasn't been bad enough to let them back in my life.