[scarlett35]

Hi everyone,

I'm having a few anxieties surrounding my relationship, mostly caused by myself.

Last September I met a guy who I was only with for a few weeks before he left me. The reasons being was that I was really insecure, needy and couldn't cope with waiting all day for texts, I felt like he really didn't want to spend time with me. He was also quite mentally abusive (would call me names, say I was too sensitive, too weird etc), and had a number of other problems himself. We kept rowing and in the end he ended things.

About 4 months later I met the most wonderful guy. I wasn't entirely sure at first about him, but he won me over by being so lovely, providing for me, giving me loads of attention and wanting me around all the time. I'd never felt so loved.

Now we're 6 months into the relationship, and things are still good. However, I've noticed that he's not making as much of an effort, and doesn't seem to want me around as much as before. Everything is on his time schedule and he makes a point of telling me that he's doing something else so that I know he wont be available to hang out. An example being, this weekend, we have arranged to go out on the Saturday, however made a point of telling me he was doing a cycle on the Sunday, so we cant hang out.

My SO knows that my parents go away at the weekend which means that unless I go with them on the Saturday, I'll be alone when we're not hanging out for the rest of the weekend. However, I can't remember the last time he's wanted to spend the whole weekend with me. It's like he's only happy to give me one day of it then wants the other day to himself. I wouldn't mind, but he expects me to be available when he wants me to be. I'm happy for him to spend time on his own, everyone needs it, I'm more than happy for him to go and do stuff with his friends, and he does that regularly, I just feel like I want a slice of the pie too so to speak, and want to feel like he wants me around again. It's like I've lost my value to him sometime.

I'm trying to sort this out, and I don't blame him. I know he is doing it because I let him do it. It's because I don't have a very good relationship with myself. I have social anxiety, OCD and don't like myself very much/don't feel I'm good enough. I try to change myself all the time, but nothing works. I'm trying to develop my relationship with myself and learn to love myself more, but at the moment it feels very unnatural. I know I haven't been making as much of an effort with things like my appearance. Because of my low self esteem, I don't feel worthy as such to ask for anything from him, even any of his time! I don't feel worthy to tell him how I'm feeling, I suppose I worry he will just leave me like the other one did because I'm too needy or something. Ive read online that I deserve better than that, but I don't believe that I do, so why would he treat me like I do?

I'm finding it so difficult because I really love this guy. I don't think I could leave him, even though at the moment I think things need to improve. I've started by trying to ask to spend time with him on my terms. E.g. I knew he was going to be late home tonight, but I said I wanted to see him. My mum has suggested trying to be less available, such as at the weekend. I just don't want to be unreasonable either, as I said, I'm perfectly happy for him to go and do things without me. I just want to feel that he wants to spend time with me, rather than doing me a favour.

Any advice?

[s4ndm4n2006]

The thing is, during the initial infatuation and courting phase, we don't typically show our real self. We, on both sides are on our best behavior and we tend to not only overlook some things, but we go even more out of our way to please and cater to the one we are courting. Every relationship moves past this though and after people get comfortable and secure with each other, the real you comes out. it's not unreasonable to see that either or both of the people involved will cool down a bit on their lovey dovey behavior and settle down a bit. Mind you, this is not a bad thing but actually a sign of trust and could be strength in the relationship if you can accept that the other person is being more real now.

You've kind of alluded to the reasons for your worries right now. your anxieties, though may be exacerbated by his actions are not actually because of anything he is doing wrong, but that any miniscule, minor change will tend to cause you anxiety.

Advice? if you're not in therapy and feel you need it, use that. If you're in it already try to steer your sessions toward learning more how to alleviate the anxieties you have and cope better. I do feel almost all of this is internal and not relationship problems

[scarlett35]

Thank you I feel exactly the same too! I try not to let it influence how I am with him because I know most of it is coming from me.

I'm not in therapy yet. Currently on the waiting list! But when I get there I will be sure to try and tackle my worries.

I don't feel like our relationship is bad or going downhill and when we're together it's absolutely fine. I just want to make sure I still feel appreciated and valued but I think that will come if I tackle my own issues and am more sure of myself.

Thanks for taking the time to read through all of that! I know it was a bit of an essay!

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by alisando123

I'm trying to sort this out, and I don't blame him. I know he is doing it because I let him do it...

Do you really believe you could stop him from being as he is? There is nothing wrong with you for wanting more than he seems willing to give, but that does not mean you are guaranteed of ever having it. So, your challenge here is only to decide whether or not to be satisfied with whatever he offers.

[scarlett35]

Originally Posted by leejosepho

Do you really believe you could stop him from being as he is? There is nothing wrong with you for wanting more than he seems willing to give, but that does not mean you are guaranteed of ever having it. So, your challenge here is only to decide whether or not to be satisfied with whatever he offers.

True. Normally I'm quite satisfied. He obviously likes his own space from time to time and I'm fine with that, but I do know that a lot of it is because I don't ask for stuff as I feel like I should accommodate to his needs more than my own I suppose.

[Rose76]

I'm glad you met someone who makes you feel loved. However, it sounds like you depend totally on your parents and him to not be alone. If you have no female friends, then that is a huge source of your neediness. Six months into a relationship, you shouldn't expect your bf to spend every Saturday and every Sunday keeping you entertained. If he also has a job, then that would leave him with no time for himself. Also, you'll become boring to him, if you two hang out together every weekend.

Connect with other people and go out for shopping and lunch with a girlfriend. If there is no friend for you to do that with, then sign up for a Sunday yoga class or bird watching group or anything you like. It becomes stifling and suffocating to be in a one-on-one relationship with someone who has no other friends or interests. What you are calling neediness may have a component of laziness and lack of initiative. I'm not meaning to be hard on you, but you got to move out of that comfort zone. You have to "get a life" that isn't just you waiting for your bf to fill up the void for you.

I'ld also suggest reorienting how you think about your emotional problems. I had severe social anxiety growing up, and making friends was awful hard for me. Still is a big challenge. Really, we don't lack friends because we have social anxiety. We have social anxiety because we lack social experience. The remedy is to get social experience. The world offers tons of opportunities to do that, but we are very good at finding a thousand reasons why none of these opportunities is really any good. That's how we stay stuck in a real small little world that lets in Mom, Dad and one special person. Not good! Saying "I need to love myself more is a dead end." You're already too cooped up with you. Look around. The world's an interesting place. Get out there.

[scarlett35]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I'm glad you met someone who makes you feel loved. However, it sounds like you depend totally on your parents and him to not be alone. If you have no female friends, then that is a huge source of your neediness. Four months into a relationship, you shouldn't expect your bf to spend every Saturday and every Sunday keeping you entertained. If he also has a job, then that would leave him with no time for himself. Also, you'll become boring to him, if you two hang out together every weekend.

Connect with other people and go out for shopping and lunch with a girlfriend. If there is no friend for you to do that with, then sign up for a Sunday yoga class or bird watching group or anything you like. It becomes stifling and suffocating to be in a one-on-one relationship with someone who has no other friends ir interests. What you are calling neediness may have a component of laziness and lack of initiative. I'm not meaning to be hard on you, but you got to move out of that comfort zone. You have to "get a life" that isn't just you waiting for yout bf to fill up the void for you.

The thing is is I have a huuuuuge social life. So it's definitely not that. I'm in a choir and I go to zumba class, have friends and also go to Wales frequently as I have friends there. I also have my own hobbies that i like doing when im alone like painting. We said at the beginning that we didn't want to be joined at the hip like that! Hence why I'm happy for him to go off and do his own thing. Totally not the issue at all! The issue is more that I don't want it to be me all the time that has to rearrange stuff to see him. I want it to be more equal, if that makes sense?

Also happy to not spend the entire weekend together if once in a while we do. I know he likes to do his own thing which is fine with me. It's just that with the weekend stuff, I feel like I lose out because he almost expects that we should spend one day of it together, but that means that I miss out on going away with my parents.

I'm sure things will be fine. I've just come off anxiety tablets and so I'm feeling quite emotional and stressed at the moment. I feel better reading the responses though

[scarlett35]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I'm glad you met someone who makes you feel loved. However, it sounds like you depend totally on your parents and him to not be alone. If you have no female friends, then that is a huge source of your neediness. Six months into a relationship, you shouldn't expect your bf to spend every Saturday and every Sunday keeping you entertained. If he also has a job, then that would leave him with no time for himself. Also, you'll become boring to him, if you two hang out together every weekend.

Connect with other people and go out for shopping and lunch with a girlfriend. If there is no friend for you to do that with, then sign up for a Sunday yoga class or bird watching group or anything you like. It becomes stifling and suffocating to be in a one-on-one relationship with someone who has no other friends or interests. What you are calling neediness may have a component of laziness and lack of initiative. I'm not meaning to be hard on you, but you got to move out of that comfort zone. You have to "get a life" that isn't just you waiting for your bf to fill up the void for you.

That was definitely my issue in the last relationship though which is why I knew it needed tackling this time around

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

You've kind of alluded to the reasons for your worries right now. your anxieties, though may be exacerbated by his actions are not actually because of anything he is doing wrong, but that any miniscule, minor change will tend to cause you anxiety.

Advice? if you're not in therapy and feel you need it, use that. If you're in it already try to steer your sessions toward learning more how to alleviate the anxieties you have and cope better. I do feel almost all of this is internal and not relationship problems

I agree with this poster that it's almost all internal and can be worked out in therapy.

[scarlett35]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I agree with this poster that it's almost all internal and can be worked out in therapy.

I'm actually relieved it's all me I had an inkling it was!

[Rose76]

Then I think maybe your mum is on to something with the suggestion that you make yourself less available. If you're always having to work around what he wants when he wants it, then that has to stop. I find people don't change much from being talked to. It takes action and refusal to be sucked into a pattern that you see as unfair. If you're the accomodating type, even a guy who loves you will exploit that. You got to think a couple of steps ahead of him and simply not let him assume you're there when it suits him. This might mean you biting the bullet and being willing to endure some loneliness to show him that you won't be at his beck and call. Put him in the position of feeling some insecurity. Take off for Wales more, and let him miss you. He may be taking you for granted. You may have to feign some indufference about being with him, so you become the sought after one. When you get back from a trip without him, tell him what a nice time you had. Act like you were just as happy without him. It may seem insincere, but men are supposed to be the pursuers. Lead him on a bit of a chase.

[scarlett35]

Thank you. I think so too. I am going to try and do that. Will see how it goes!

Things were totally fine when i saw him yesterday. When I'm with him I feel like everything's ok. I suppose my mind over analysises things when we are apart.

Just need to relax a bit I guess.