[vipa55ana]

I've been married to my wife for 7 years, have 3 beautiful children, 2,4 and 6, can see the beauty in my wife who is well educated, kind hearted, warm and loving a lot of the time however things can become very volatile at times! lMy wife often gets very emotional, often several times a week, at times she cries for hours, often very expressively, loudly, moans, blood curdling screams, etc. at times, not so often but a dozen or so times in our marriage she becomes enraged, throws things at me, has hit and kicked me a couple of times, never caused me any injury but quite difficult to understand and deal with! Often with the kids witnessing it. There is also at times screams of abusive language, I hate you, you're a f### idiot, d#$$, monster, etc. Then screems of "help" and "suicide" These outbursts seem to be often triggered by my inability to listen in a way she needs or in understanding her, supporting her, etc I try my hardest, feel that I give my everything, and more, I have, always put supporting her first (I fully understand, Life is stressful being a stay at home mum of 3 little kids and her childhood was not a happy one) to the extent that I have changed my working hours every which way then ceased paid work altogether because I didn't put enough time in, sold most of my business assets to fund living and now we are financially annihilated. I take responsibility for that but find myself so confused of what to do when it's time for me to leave for work and my wife is in tears and I can see my kids are becoming anxious about me leaving.

I am no saint, I understand I have my issues, I am never the aggressor and have never had the hint of violent inclinations towards my wife but at times after being yelled and screamed at I have lost it! punched walls thrown things, I even hit myself in the face once, a couple of times after my wife screamed she was sick of me I have totally lost maybe a few seconds of consciousness with no recollection of what exactly happened, finding myself on the floor. When I get so frustrated like this, straight after my outburst I become extremely emotional, with very loud thoughts of self hatred, complete despair and confusion. I want to be there for my wife and I want to model healthy relationships to my kids but I become so frustrated at my own ability to know what to do.

This would all be easy to resolve if the conflict and confusion was permanent but it's not! My wife often says how much she loves me, needs me and expresses gratitude to me. When things are good between us we make the most beautiful love communicate clearly and seem invincibly in love, then suddenly, bang, it's all over??????????

I have just recently decided to live apart from my wife, not with the intent of divorce but to have space to find clarity and repair myself as I have become increasingly depressed, anxious and almost fearful of what the next day will bring, also to try and rectify our financial problems which I worry about a lot. I am well educated and capable of making money but with the stresses of this family life I seem to have become practically useless at making sensible financial choices with all my attention going to my relationship. I tell myself I love my wife but then question, is this really love should life be like this. Is this healthy, how does this serve my kids? I keep telling myself it will get better, I keep getting glimmers of hope but then bang, wallop!!

My wife and I have seen councilors, one recently which is very helpful, we are trying to get support but still I am at a loss. my wife has done several courses in non violent communication that has helped at times. I am finding space now which is good but how do I know when things will be different or when I should just give up and face divorce.

I've never done one of these thread things, don't know what I expect to get out of it but anyways, there's my story, any pearls of wisdom would be greatly appreciated )

[Skeezyks]

Hello vipa55ana: I'm sorry you & your family are faced with this most difficult & confusing situation. I'm not a mental health professional. And I can't tell you what's going on with your wife. But it seems clear to me, from what you wrote, that she has some serious mental health issues.

You mentioned the two of you have seen counselors & that your wife has taken some courses inn nonviolent communication. However, assuming that your wife is in fact struggling with a serious mental health issue, counselors & courses are probably not going to be the answer. What's going to need to happen is for her to pursue mental health services perhaps by seeing a psychiatrist and / or a psychologist or mental health therapist. These are the kinds of professionals who are going to be able to work with her to figure out what is going on & what she can do about it.

Of course the question is... is she willing to undertake this. You can't force her. And here is, perhaps, where you make the decision with regard to whether or not to continue to try to heal your relationship. If your wife is willing to seek the mental health services she needs then perhaps there is hope. (No guarantee...) If not... then, at least from my perspective, what you can likely anticipate is just more-&-more of what you've already experienced. Only you know how much more of that you can tolerate. It's certainly not doing your kids any good. At least these are my thoughts with regard to your post.

Since this is your first post here on PC... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Sunflower123]

Welcome to PC. I agree wholeheartedly with Skeezyks. I hope you work things out whichever road you decide to travel. Best wishes.

[dermald]

It sounds a lot like my past relationship with my now ex-wife. I won't go into her issues, or our problems, although her issues were way bigger than "anger management." The roadblock to salvation was the fact that she could not acknowledge her own mental health issues, and would only point to me and say that I was the one who needed to get fixed.

If she refuses to get help, then things won't get better, and could possibly get dangerous.

Professional help is the only way. If she wants to save her family, then she'll be willing to do it.

My ex-wife was not willing, and things got dangerous, so I had to run for my life.

Based on my experience, the future of all of this is in her hands. I hope you can find some professional help for her, and do let her know that you'll be there to help at every step of the way, should she take responsibility for her issues. Best of luck.

Hello vipa55ana, I see this is your first post so welcome to PC! I hope you find your time here to be of benefit. Once you have 5 approved posts, you will be able to enter the chat room and talk to fellow members. There is almost always someone online to chat with.

It sounds like your wife struggles with bad mood swings and anger issues...unfortunately these aren't things that are likely to be solved by attending courses. Has she considered seeing a therapist or even a psychiatrist to see if meds may help? I hope she is willing to work at changing because her behaviour sounds very difficult to deal with. I wish you the best, in whatever you decide.

[MrMoose]

Hi from the other side of the planet. I dont know enough about your situation but it sounds in places similar to mine. Our kids are 14 & 15 and they are now used to Mom going sort of nuts: yelling goes on in most households...but screaming, smashing things, hitting, kicking, spiting (she hasn't done that one in a while!), throwing things, and of course the hours and hours of taunting and insulting and derision. And yes, spending money calms her down temporarily so we racked up a lot of debt. Ive given upvtrying to figure out whether its a brain tumor, menopause, or a side effect of one of her medications, or a slowly worsening mental issue. I'm 56 and I've never had problems like this with anyone else. But I know I cant fixit, and I can't endure it. Neither can at least obe of my kids. I've just got to get out, taking the younger one with me. I suspect the older one will join us in a couple of years. It's such a MESS!!!!

[Crazy Hitch]

I'll be honest and say it takes two to tango.

We're hearing this from your side, and you've mentioned parts of where you've displayed violent behaviour too (yelling, screaming, punching walls, throwing things)....

This is a toxic relationship and neither of you are behaving appropriately.

And the ones that I worry most about in all of this is the kids!

[vipa55ana]

Wow, so many responses so quickly. I don't know if it changes things but it feels good to know there are people out there who understand. A special thanks to Crazy hitch, you are so right, I'm not looking for sympathy, it does take two to tango and if I could remain calm and loving through it all ,I'm sure my wife would be better off, that's why I've left, because I'm scared of myself.

The other night after several hours of tears, screams, a dose of name calling, something launched at me, I lost it, have no recollection of what happened, my son told me I threw myself on the floor and just waved my arms around, screaming. Next memory is of my son holding me, crying, "stop daddy, stop daddy" I feel so ashamed. this happened a couple of times before, spread over the past 5 years, I went to a Dr, he just told me it was stress and sleep deprivation.

My son says he feels sad, scared and angry when my wife loses it but more sad, scared and angry when I loose it because there is no one left to look after them. It kills me, this is not what I want to be, I can't bare the thought of how scary this must be for my kids.

Has anyone else experienced this? Is this just stress and sleep deprivation (I actually sleep fine most of the time) or should I bee seeking further medical advice? Maybe I am the mad one? I keep telling myself she would be better off without me. I'm pretty sure she would remain highly emotional without me but the fits of rage are clearly triggered by me.

Saying that,I have never experienced such confusion and frustration before, I have recently spent 2 weeks looking after the kids while my wife was overseas on a course and I loved it. When she returned, it was like a cloud of anxiety coming over me. But I don't want to lose her, she has so many exceptional, kind, caring, intelligent qualities. At times wee are beautiful together and she is a great mother to my kids, so kind caring and empathetic to there feelings. I can't bring myself to face that it's over but so much points to life being better for all if we were apart.

Gosh, I haven't written so much since uni, I better stop now and get some sleep, thanks to all of you out there, it is great tho have other perspectives.

[divine1966]

You are both damaging your children. Poor children. Are there any relatives that could take the kids. I believe they need to be removed from home if you twi decide to go on like this. If you don't want to lose your children, you absolutely cannot stay in such marriage. Such volatile life style with kids present is completely unacceptable and can't go for another day. Hire a lawyer and start looking into what's best custody arrangement for kids after divorce