[shakespeare47]

Does anyone else have someone in your life you'd rather not spend time with, but can't quite explain why? At least to other's satisfaction?

I spent some time with my family yesterday to celebrate my niece's graduation from high school. It went pretty well, except that it always brings back distressing memories. One of my aunts just bothers me. I can't quite put my finger on it, except that her attitude appears to be insidious in that I feel uncomfortable around her, and yet, it's difficult to get away from her, without having a strong reaction to her. So, there's something almost enticing and yet harmful in her demeanor. She is capable of using words in an emotionally charged way, without making outright accusations. It's more like she just assumes something is the case, with her very attitude and demeanor, and challenges others to call her on it, in a way that is quiet and not apparently confrontational. I get the sense that it is deliberate and even an attempt to harm (what could she possibly see as a beneficial outcome?)

Thankfully, I don't see her very often. Virtually every time I'm with my family, I'm reminded of reasons to stay away from all of them.... (except one sister who can do no wrong, in my eyes).

Other people in my family appear to like this aunt(although now that I think of it, one of her brothers, and both of my brothers don't like her much, either)...and they don't quite get why I don't want to be around her. I think they see her as sensible and successful, and she probably is... it's just there also appears to be something insidious about her.

I hugged her yesterday and told her I loved her, and I actually regret doing it (it was spur of the moment, and automatic). I think next time I'm just going to tell her I'd rather not hug.

I think the easiest way to say it is that she is confrontational in a quiet, seemingly innocuous way that makes it difficult to confront and refute her assumptions and accusations... and then if not confronted, she just keeps it up as if you agree with her. I don't agree. And I don't see any value in playing her game.

[shakespeare47]

I've been brainstorming about how to deal with her, if and when the situation arises. I thought about just saying quietly in her ear (if she hugs me again), "you realize your poop smells, don't you?"

Or perhaps I'll interview her about her psychiatrist and the meds she is on. "Hi Aunt, how are your sessions going? What doses are you on these days?"

What do you think? I'm not sure what my motives are, except perhaps to put her in her place and get her to think about the assumptions she is making.

To be more upfront with her, I suppose I could just say something like, "Do you realize you're making up stories? Do you know how to check these assumptions you're making? Perhaps it's something you could discuss with you mental health provider."

[shakespeare47]

(Edited)
I was reminded of her existence again last night when my dad mentioned her. My opinion of her hasn't changed. But I do regret fantasizing about saying rude things to her...

Being passive aggressive, possibly?

[treevoice]

I guess a question I would ask myself if I were in your shoes is "is it any of my business to fix this?" There will always be people who have that sketchy vibe about them, I wish I had some idea what they were thinking/feeling, but often times actually pursuing changing them or figuring them out can cause yourself more harm than good, especially if they are truly capable of being insidious when challenged. If you have to spend a lot of time around it her it may be worth exploring, but if it's not a close relationship you may be better off just keeping a distance.

[shakespeare47]

I have to say I could blame myself for this one... I think the way she treats me could be explained as her getting even with me because I was rude to her.

When my brother and I were pretty young (this was probably 40 years ago), she took my brother and I swimming. (she was in her early 20's) We got sunburned pretty badly, and ended up w/ blistered skin and everything. Many years later, she reminded me about it, and told me how bad she felt (this was probably 30 years ago).

Then a few years after that, I brought it up in a rude sarcastic way.

It's kinda sad because I thought of her fondly when I was a kid... I thought she was cool and funny.

Now she's in her 60's and has 4 boys... the youngest just graduated from high school.