[Lucylooloop]

Hi all,

This is my first post on here. I never post in forums but I've found myself looking at so many recently to find a situation similar to mine that I thought I might as well post.

I had been single for some time, doing well for myself, plenty of hobbies etc and two great kids. I wasn't looking for a relationship until I had somebody come to my house to do some maintenance. We seemed to hit it off quite well and before I knew it, he texted me and we began seeing eachother. Thanks to social networking, I quickly discovered that he was still married. After questioning him about this, he explained that he was still living with his wife as he couldn't afford to move out and didn't want his two children to lose the roof over their head because his wife couldn't afford to pay for the house alone. So I gave it a bit of thought and decided that I really liked this guy and would see where things went. About a month after seeing him, (yes, we were sleeping together, he promised me he was definitely separated), I discovered from a mutual friend of his wife, that his wife is in fact pregnant. Quite far along, too. When I questioned him about this, he said he hadn't told me because he was scared I wouldn't want to see him anymore, (nice to give me the choice eh?), he told me she'd tricked him into getting her pregnant. I've only heard one side of the story but apparently its all her fault and he's not happy with the pregnancy. He said he was looking to move out asap so that we could be together. I told him that I didn't agree with him leaving his pregnant wife and cooled things down with him. I started seeing him again after I heard from somebody that his wife had said they hadn't been intimate since before xmas which adds up with what he had told me. He said he sleeps on the sofa. He never stays the night, always having to get home, he doesn't want his wife to know about me because he said he'll become homeless and she'll stop him seeing his kids. Can somebody please tell it to me straight because i'm beginning to feel as though I have mug written all over me. It's been three months now and i still feel like a shadow. I literally have met none of his friends or family. I know little of his past. He's integrated well with my friends but it seems that he's a part of my life but im not part of his. Please tell me I'm doing the right thing by standing back and trying to look at this objectively. I've been through so much in my life and come out fighting every single time, so how is something like this affecting me so deeply. He simply does not seem to see my worth, whereas i do and I'll walk away if the situation remains unchanged. I only know one side of the story but I feel quite sorry for his wife, I wonder if she does infact know about me and that he's single or whether they're still living together as a married couple. It's starting to have an affect on my mood and i'm not normally like this, i just want to get back to being happy and not letting somebody elses actions affect me.

Sorry for the long post.
Any advice, because I can't seem to find the forest for the trees at the minute.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're in such a tough position. It's very wise that you're taking a step back and cooling things down because there are red flags all over the place. I wish you the best in coming to a decision but I would be leery. Good luck. I support you and I'm here if you need to talk. Best wishes.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Lucylooloop: You know... I drag this old saw out periodically, here on PC. I used to know a guy who was fond of saying: "If you want to know which way the bullet is going, look down the barrel of the gun." If you re-read what you've written here you'll see what your life is likely to continue to be like if you continue to see this guy. Only you know if it's worth it.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Rose76]

Welcome to PC. I'll give it to you straight: You've been had. The guy is a con. Unfortunately, you are as much of the cause of you getting conned as he is because you wanted - and still want - so bad to put a good face on all of this.

This guy came to your place and he saw with his own eyes that you were "doing well" for yourself, as you put it . . . so well that you could hire a man to do maintenance. He looked around at your home and what was in it. He saw that you were unattached and vulnerable. He put the moves on, and he found you receptive. Where did you get this guy's contact info? Offering himself as a handyman may be his M.O. for getting into women's homes to scope out what they have . . . and what they don't have (like a protective male presence.) You have two great kids, neither of which, I'll wager, is a male over the age of 16.

You have two hard truths to face here. Firstly, the almost certain reality that this guy you're so fond of is a low-life. But there's a second, maybe harder, thing to face: it was a wonderful boost to your self-esteem as a woman that a man you found attractive fell for you. If his attentions are what I believe they are, then you have to face that he may be mostly attracted to what you have, rather than who you are. That is hurtful to accept. And he knows that as well, so he will flood you with the flattering reassurances that you are hungry to hear. And the guy may actually be likeable on some fronts, and he may possibly find you likeable. Those two factors are enough to plunge you into total confusion, clinging to what you want to be true.

The guy's a predator. For you to be willing to date a man who is still living with another woman he's married to shows you to be rather desperate yourself. Yeah, he gave you this sob story about homeless kids. The truth is you were ready to swallow anything.

There's a third truth you need to look at: your brave story about how you were "doing well for yourself" (with all those hobbies,) not looking for a relationship and living "happy." That's great to be so chipper and positive thinking, but you're human and probably still a relatively young woman. This guy came along and satisfied a need that was there whether you were conscious of that need or not. In reality, you've been quite needy, despite telling yourself that all was well. So giving this creep the heave-ho is going to be awfully hard for you.

Maybe you will just keep enjoying his attentions. But soon he'll be needing more money from you, in addition to what he's already gotten out of you. If you're in the market for a gigolo, then relax, enjoy his company and pony up what he charges for his attentions.

But see this for what it is. His wife tricked him into her getting pregnant, and "he's not happy with the pregnancy." You report that like it was a fact. And now you're seeing him because "he sleeps on the sofa" at his wife's house - like that even matters.

If what you already know hasn't caused you to end this affair, nothing anyone says on this thread is going to convince you to do so. But, for whatever reason, you felt compelled to share this. At some level, you know what you're wanting to believe is absurd. But your need is that great that you have, and you do.

When this relationship ends, do yourself a favor, and start looking for a relationship - one that is real and appropriate. Oh, and the next time you let someone in to work in your home, consider doing a background check.

[Lucylooloop]

Thank you so much for your response, I must say Rose76, that was some very sound, sobering advice there. I'm generally a very objective person but I've been really stuck on this one. I've been tricked before and rarely am I wrong when my instincts tell me something is feeling off. This bloke is a binful of red flags and you're absolutely right about background checks. It wasn't something that had crossed my mind at the time but it's certainly the sensible thing to do. I've been seeing him for almost 4 months now but I keep pulling away, my resentment of the situation is becoming stronger than any feelings I have for him so I can see I'll end up walking away. I know my worth and he adds little in value to my life in anyway. I was perfectly happy on my own and it seems he's brought confusion and drama with him. I suppose I should start being more objective about it. If my friend was in a similar situation then I'd tell them it's a lost cause. I suppose I have absolutely nothing to lose in a man that would leave his pregnant wife, it's surely a warning sign in itself, regardless whether or not the pregnancy was planned.

Thanks for taking the time to respond, I really appreciate it. I struggle sometimes if I can't put all the pieces of the jigsaw together so writing it down helps, as does seeing it from the viewpoint of others.

[divine1966]

The guy is married, not separated. And you are the other woman he cheats on his wife with. There is no mystery here. It's simple

Ps unless he was raped no one tricked him into anything

But he might be also a con seeing what to steal from you. As rose says. Low life

[Lucylooloop]

Hi guys,
Just a quick update on this situation. I've ended this mess now. I took on board all of your comments and went along with what my instincts were telling me too. I sometimes second guess myself which I suppose is one of my many traits of my OCD. I'm going through enough health related stresses right now, this relationship stress I could control though by getting rid. �� I feel ok. Been here before, times a great healer and all those many, many true cliches. Thank you for the advice, it was definitely appreciated.

[Rose76]

Hi Lucy. Glad to hear you cut this guy out of your life. In hindsight, I think my post was a bit blunt, but it's a perspective I sincerely thought you needed to consider.

I'm glad you know your worth. Think also of the value of your time. Possibly the worst thing a guy like that does is he wastes a woman's time. Eventually, you, or most any woman, would have figured out what he was up to. But you never get back the piece of your life you invested in a lost cause - time that could have brought you closer to finding a relationship that would enrich your life. Still, everything is a learning experience. There's value in that.

You may very well feel self-sufficient, and no doubt you can make it on your own. But you did enjoy time spent with this guy. Nothing wrong with being open to a relationship that brings you the good things he brought, without the hustle that you don't need. You have a lot to offer. I think you might do well to decide that you are in the market for romance. Then be a bit proactive about that, rather than just seeing what washes up on your doorstep. Get networked with people who might introduce you to someone of worth. You may be so invested in your kids lives that you have short-changed yourself a bit. Find adult company.

I wouldn't necessarily background check every guy who rakes the leaves. Just understand that you don't know someone, until you know them . . . and that takes time and seeing someone in contexts where their values get exposed. I've worked in correctional facilities and have met individuals who have committed some of the worst crimes you can imagine. Here's the kicker: Some of these individuals can come across as the most absolutely normal human beings you could meet - personable, affable, even kind and generous . . . intelligent, witty . . . even warm. Human personality is extremely complex. Also, listen for what people don't tell you, which can speak volumes. You meet a guy who seems nice and is attractive: Ask yourself - why isn't this guy taken already? He's in the snare of a woman who doesn't deserve him . . . and he just needs a good woman to help him out of that bad relationship?? That is almost never, ever true.

I tend to always look for the fly in the ointment, which I don't recommend as a great attitude. But just reserve acceptance of anyone, until . . . and then reserve a little longer.

"I think the best of people, until they prove me wrong." - is a dangerous way to live.