[Hedgeleaf]

My child's father as pretty much cancelled plans and let her down consistly for years.

I've had no other option than to seek legal advice from my solicitor to get an agreement in place that he is happy to stick to.

This is my proposal
He sees her 1 weekend day
He involves himself in her education such as parents meetings and target setting appointments etc
We equally share bank holidays
During school holidays he sees her for 2 days each week
If he needs to cancel or rearrange then I require 48 hours notice

This is pretty much how it's always been until he decided he didn't want to spend any time with her over the summer holidays and regularly changed plans.

He's ignored all my letters stating how important it is for her to have consistency and structure.

He has decided to send a few txts asking such as the following;
'Just so I can clarify are you stopping me seeing her completely untill I agree to your terms of the letter you sent me?'

I replied no that's the opposite of the ideal outcome
'Ok so I can get all the details am I only allowed to see her when you it suits your schedule? '

I'm at a total loss of what to do!!

I cannot stop him however he makes it very difficult.

We NEED something in place and he's totally ignoring all my efforts.

My solicitor says I cannot take him to court as I cannot make him see her.

So now what?????

I really need some advice and I feel all my previous efforts are totally wasted now

[lizardlady]

I don't have any advice, but wanted to offer support to you and your daughter.

[divine1966]

Sorry your child has such irresponsible father. In my experience though you can't make him see your daughter. You might be able to require certain heads up if he is going to cancel so you can make other plans. Maybe suggest that. But you cannot make himsee her or attend school meetings or in general be a better parent. Just very unfortunate but your lawyer is correct. There is nothing one can do. There are parents who NEVER exercise their visitation rights and no one can do anything

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Sorry your child has such irresponsible father. In my experience though you can't make him see your daughter. You might be able to require certain heads up if he is going to cancel so you can make other plans. Maybe suggest that. But you cannot make himsee her or attend school meetings or in general be a better parent. Just very unfortunate but your lawyer is correct. There is nothing one can do. There are parents who NEVER exercise their visitation rights and no one can do anything

Unfortunately I agree. There's not much you can do about this but try to lessen the impact on your daughter. I wish you the best.

[MickeyCheeky]

It's the sad truth.. there's nothing you can. You can just stry to be the mother possible for your daughter.. but I bet you will be able to do that without problems.

[Bill3]

You could ask him for a counterproposal.

If he provides one, then you can respond to it and perhaps an agreement can be reached.

If he won't provide one, then it seems that there is nothing you can do other than continuing to make it known from time to time that you want him to have a relationship with your/his daughter and you still hope to come to an agreement towards that goal.

Considering, though, that he has let her down consistently over the years, perhaps there is little point in trying to get his consent to any sort of agreement.

[Rose76]

Your proposal sounds rather rigid and not allowing for any spontaneity on his part. I think it must be very difficult for a non-custodial parent (meaning the one the child doesn't permanently live with) to keep involved. Your child comes home from school and you are there, or you are soon coming home from work. You don't have to have a special appointment to see your child. You live with her. She wakes up and you are there. Your home is her home.

Her father has to think out a plan for one day of every weekend. He has to entertain the child, rather than simply "be" with her. Maybe a whole weekend once or twice a month would be nicer for father and daughter. Something about the way you have carved up the time slots seems overly regimented to me. If I was your daughter, I would resent being bounced back and forth so systematically. It's not my sense that you are trying to be more relieved of child care responsibilities. It seems that you have a need to manage your ex's relationship with your daughter. I understand that he doesn't seem to be an ideal father. I accept that he has a history of letting her down. Is the solution to that really to set the bar at a height that a man with his history is sure to not meet? What would be the point of that? Isn't your goal that your child not experience "let down" on a regular basis? What you propose seems to maximize risk of that happening.

[Rose76]

I'm reminded of the two women before Solomon disputing ownership of a baby. Solomon says, "What if I split this kid right down the middle and you each get a piece?" One woman says, "Fine!" Solomon then says to that woman, "Obviously, you are not the mother."

The way your proposal carves up your daughters life has a surgically ruthless precision to it that doesn't seem driven by what will be happiest for her. There's a cold ring to it.

[Crazy Hitch]

Is there legal mediation available to you where you can both come to a joint agreement, together, as opposed to one party laying down the terms? He might be a little more receptive to suggestions if he was part of the negotiation process?

[Bill3]

There is a need for a written agreement for clarity and because, typically, the adults involved do not get along well or trust each other with spontaneity: this is why they divorced in the first place. In this situation OP reports begging the father for his involvement, but he seems to be occupied instead with getting in sarcastic, cheap shot digs at her instead.

In this situation OP has offered what strikes me as a typical propoal for such situations. Maybe, from her ex's perspective, there is room for improvement in it. Her ex is free to offer a counterproposal such as "i would rather have her every other full weekend, not one day per weekend" or "Could you live with 24 hours notice?"

Givrn that the ex seems to be unwilling or unable to work directly with OP, perhaps a mediation service would be helpful, as suggested by Crazy Hitch.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I'm reminded of the two women before Solomon disputing ownership of a baby. Solomon says, "What if I split this kid right down the middle and you each get a piece?" One woman says, "Fine!" Solomon then says to that woman, "Obviously, you are not the mother."

The way your proposal carves up your daughters life has a surgically ruthless precision to it that doesn't seem driven by what will be happiest for her. There's a cold ring to it.

I respectfully disagree.

It sounds like typical custody agreements. Spontaneity when kid lives with one parent or between two houses is difficult to arrange. Kid needs to be home and needs to be available for a parent to see her, to ensure that there is typically a schedule. If it's 50/50 arrangement it's still needs to be established when the kid should be ready etc.

I don't see nothing rigid in seeing a kid two days or week or a certain day etc usually lawyers help with negotiations.

OP child is hurt that dad isn't showing up to see her and isn't involved, she understandably hopes to get him more involved fir the sake of her daughter. It's a terrible feeling to watch your kid suffer. Unfortunately it's unlikely dad will get better but it doesn't mean she is wrong or has ulterior motives.

The best solution is to rely on mediation and have professional help in designing a plan. Unfortunately this man in general is a loser (reading previous posts) and likely isnt equipped to be a decent father. But OP proposal of custody arrangement isn't out of order or that different from other arrangements

[Rose76]

Looking at OP's other threads, it appears that the father is not terribly responsible or reliable. I see zero likelihood that he will comply with this proposal.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Hedgeleaf

My child's father as pretty much cancelled plans and let her down consistly for years
This is my proposal
He sees her 1 weekend day
He involves himself in her education such as parents meetings and target setting appointments etc
We equally share bank holidays
During school holidays he sees her for 2 days each week
If he needs to cancel or rearrange then I require 48 hours notice

This is pretty much how it's always been until he decided he didn't want to spend any time with her over the summer holidays and regularly changed plans.

He's ignored all my letters stating how important it is for her to have consistency and structure.

He has decided to send a few txts asking such as the following;
'Just so I can clarify are you stopping me seeing her completely untill I agree to your terms of the letter you sent me?'

I replied no that's the opposite of the ideal outcome
'Ok so I can get all the details am I only allowed to see her when you it suits your schedule? '

I'm at a total loss of what to do!!

I cannot stop him however he makes it very difficult.

We NEED something in place and he's totally ignoring all my efforts.

My solicitor says I cannot take him to court as I cannot make him see her.

So now what?????

I really need some advice and I feel all my previous efforts are totally wasted now

At first, as I began editing for highlight points, I was going to ask if the proposal was his typical schedule or you being generous? Then I read that this is what he has been doing? And then, in having it in writing he's responding by taking it to mean that you want to remove all visitation?

Now, I'm perplexed.

For myself, as a divorced single mom of three, your proposal if to my own ex would be wishful thinking-trying to mold him into someone he is not. Now, he does take whatever opportunity that he can to see them and he does chat on the telephone. But an ideal he is not. Doesn't seem like that's your case. I bring it up, as it's natural to expect of the other parent to consider the child's emotional well being above self, but that doesn't often happen. If not on the same page in marriage then it stands to reason these discrepancies exist.

It's disappointing, yes.