I need help to cope with this distressing situation with my husband and my family

Hi,

this is the first message I write here and I am sorry in case it's in the wrong place. Secondly, I am not English native, for this reason sorry also for the way I write. (I am trying my best!) .

I need to know various opinions about what is happening in my life. It's going to be a long long story, be prepared.

Four years ago I graduate in an English speaking country and I decide to move back to my home town because of my ex boyfriend, 8 years together.

One year later, I break up with him, flew to the same English speaking country to do a course in movies (my dream is to work in the production field) where few days after I meet this person that is now my husband.

He always told me that he suffers of OCD and he was depressed in the past, however I thought I was strong enough to make our life great. And it was! The first year we lived together immediately and it was fantastic. Literally. It's when I decided that I would have married him one day.

Thank something tragic happen: we has visa issues and he can't stay anymore in that English speaking country (I can stay) and we get separated in a very drammatic way, at the airport, from the day before we were living together and from the day after he was back in his home country(12000 kms from me). We couldn't foresee this. It happened everything in 2 hours. We didn't have the time to decide how we can arrange all this. nothing. just separated.

He asks me to go to his home country, I say no because it's so far, I was shocked and afraid, even if I loved him, my parents were pushing me to find a job immediately (meanwhile I lost my job over there) and I was just too shock to think clearly.
I ask him to move together to my home country, where he can get a visa easily, and we can stay together finally in my home town.
Done.

Now starts the nightmare I am in for 3 years.

My hometown is in a very developed country, we are in the G8, so just to tell you that it's a very nice country to live in.

We go live 15 minutes from my parents. We get married for the visa and in order to be together. I still can't find a job, but we have savings, we are fine. My parents help, his parents help.

Then my mom starts acting weird. She starts acting in a very strange way towards me and him.

Firstly, my brother get sick with a psichiatric disease. At the beginning we thought it was a physical problem, and only after one year we discover that it was a psichiatric issue that then got solved in few months, once he started taking the right pills.

During the months he was sick, my brother couldn't even stand up, cook, dress up, drive a car, meet people, talk, think... it was terrible.
My parents suffered a lot, they paid more than 50.000 euros just for the doctors, to understand what was happening. Those doctors were a waste of money and time cause they never understood that it was a mental disease.

My parents go two months on holiday, leaving my brother at home, in a terrible position. Me and my husband go live with him, cause at that time we didn't have a job and we had time to take care of by brother.

My boyfriend, that I repeat suffered of heavy OCD and depression, did an amazing job with my brother, and it's thanks to him and those two months together that my brother finally understood that it was a mental problem and went to the right doctor.

We got married in a very bad way. I was stressed and he was stressed cause of those two months with my brother just happened. We fought a lot, we hit each other a lot for this reason ( I was actually the hitter unfortunately). For the stress.

He is not christian, he is from another religion. My mom started acting weird asking:
when you two get married, she (me) has to cover herself?
when you have children, how do you raise them?

and so on.

then every time we met she said stuff like: why you don't have a job yet? why you don't own a house like your friends? (I was 27 at that time, maybe young for a house, but here most of ppl buy a house in this years). Why I have never seen your parents? (my husband's parents). What are your intentions with looking for a job?
Don't follow him in his homecountry eh! you (me) will get lost!

Etcetera.

Meanwhile, my husband in all this started suffering again of OCD and depression because of the situation.

Now, year 2017.

I had a job for one year, huhu. I hated it, they fired me.

My husband is helping me to find a job in the country I want (away from here), in the field I want.

Meanwhile, he is a writer, his dream is to write screenplays and work in the cinema, but meanwhile his small family business gives him a salary which is important for us to live.

It's more or less one year that we fight cause he started being very mad at my mom and my brother in particular. They have never said thank you for all the things he did. they don't treat him well. My husband hates them now. (maybe a feeling also made stronger by his metal history).

he keeps saying bad stuff about my family and my friends, which also didn't act well. In particular, he suffered a lot because my best friend decided to get married in the day we said we want to get married in the future (in the past we did a small ceremony, but our dream in the future is to do something much nicer, with also his parents and relatives included).

We spent one year fighting: He attacked everyone I know. I defended the attacked ones.

Then I started understanding. He needs to be understood and defended. So I started understanding his point of view, and now I agree with him.

Now every two days he shouts and fight with me cause he says I can't stand up properly when I fight with my mom because of the reasons I said. I can't stand up with my friends. I don't know how to fight. I don't say the things in a good way.

when he is in this stressful moments he asks me to cut my mom, cut my friends.

My mom sucks, she suffers of mental illness that she doesn't want to cure, she is mean, and she is the reason of my brother's mental illness, got cured when he went away from her.

When she is mad she told me many mean things that she believes: my husband is a psico, I am mentally ill, I am a loser, I will never find the job of my dreams, I will never have real friends, I lost all my friends, I am a joke, I am a prostitute, I lost four years of my life with this guy.

She is mean.

However, it's still hard for me to cut her. To tell her to **** off.

I discovered that listening to my husband is better than fighting, getting crazy and hitting him.

I listen, and listen, and listen, for HOURS every week, minimum 10 hours of him talking and shouting to me about those people and about how those people made him lose 3 years of his life.
He tells me that is my fault he came here, he could have stayed in his home country, and me over there with him.

He tells me to say **** off to my mom and friends, that I recognize they are not amazing people.. but still. It's hard.

It's so hard, and I listen, and listen, and listen.

Sometimes I think about going away, start the job of my dreams, or just being alone.

However, I reached the conclusion that I love him too much, and that he needs my help.
So, elimitated the idea of leaving him, I need now to stay with him.

However, how can I cope with the situation? What can I say to make him calm? what should i do?

You readers, what do you think about the situation? Who's right? Who's wrong? Is this normal?

I need help, I am desperate. I am loosing my life and my time.

thank you very much,

Rosaria

You are listening to his complaints for way to long. Once you have acknowledged his legitimate concerns (nod your head, summarize his position so it is clear you listened) you need to tell him that you are not going to listen any longer because you have other things that must be done as well (list them--no one has 10 hours to listen!). Use a power stance when you tell him we have talked enough about this today (think Wonder Woman--hands on your hips, a good posture and look him in the eyes). He is obviously trying to get his way. Tell him up front "no" or that you need time (a month?) to think about it. A 10 hour speech is bullying!

Hi, thank you very much for your reply!

Yes, I agree that 10 hours are too much :/

I usually try to stop the conversation and what I do it really helps, but the day after (such as today) he is again in bed, very very sick.

I am really mad with all those people who make him suffer, but I can't say to everyone I know to **** off. For sure I can make some distance between us, in the hope that I will meet new people in the future, but for now this is what I can do in that area.

All this is so heavy

Hello. Welcome to PC. I agree with Hopingtrying as far as your husband goes. Your mother sounds like a toxic person to you and to him. I would limit exposure to her. Compromise with him where you can in regards to your brother and your friends. Best wishes.