Married but can't stop thinking about another woman

Please know and remember that one need not have physical intercourse to have committed an act of infidelity. In my own experience my husband carrying on emotional affairs was far worse than if he had simply slept with them.

If you go out of your way to engage this woman (social media, meeting up, calling) for no other reason than to have contact with her, this qualifies as cheating.

Just my opinion as a victim.

How about a date night with your wife? I did this with my husband when things had gone cold. We both got dressed seperatly. I went to a friends house. She did my hair and I bought a new outfit. Then we all met at a restaurant and my husband and I pretended not to know each other. Then we both started looking at each other as if it was the first time. We started talking and wound up leaving together and the fireworks were on!

Okay, well personally I think your thoughts about this woman (and that's exactly what they are, just thoughts) are symptomatic of the problems you are having with your wife not the other way around, you describe your issues as going back some time.

I would aim to keep any discussions contained to the topic of your marriage, about the issues you have written about here, the lack of sex, the conflict which is possibly behind that.

As for dealing with the guilt, Bill suggested earlier treating these as intrusive thoughts and acknowledging them ("There they go again") then moving on. If you have not acted on these thoughts, you have not pursued this woman, your only contact with her is at work which you can't avoid, then there is nothing to be guilty of.

Perhaps your guilt is actually to do with the negative feelings you have had about your wife?

I have not been perusing this woman at all other then working together.
The thing is I know I have done nothing wrong, I can't control these thoughts but I still feel guilty because I can't help but think of this other woman even when I'm with my wife.
We had a date night last weekend. The night before we had a big fight so we were still angry with each other and it didn't go as well as it could have.
I think you may be right, I may feel guilt because of the negative feelings I've had for my wife lately. I don't know how much of it is because of this other woman or how much has to do with trying to reevaluate things with myself and my wife but I don't know what I feel for my wife right now. I know its cliche to say but I think I might love my wife but not be in love with her. Right now I can't even tell her I love her to her face. Its just a very confusing place in my head right now

Hello John,

Some big decisions to be made here and these are points for you to think over...

Do you want your marriage to work? If so, marriage counseling is now a must. Sounds like your wife already has an inkling things are not right as she said she feels she's going to end up being a single mom. That's women's intuition right there.
A good relationship requires honesty and communication and working on. It takes two to tango. Marriage is great if you BOTH want this to work.

Staying in a marriage where you are unhappy, or don't care about it anymore is going to ruin your life, your wife's life and your child's life. Children know when their parents are unhappy.

The obsession with the other woman is probably a symptom of your marriage falling apart or are you really in love with this new lady? Only you can work that one out. I will say though that if you decide to work on your marriage you will probably need to cut all ties off with the woman. That means leaving your job or transferring else where so you have no contact. Remember, honesty is the answer here, honesty to yourself so you don't live with guilt forever.

Decide whether you can live with no regrets on which ever decision you make.

Lastly, always remember that you'll always be a Dad no matter what. That means being in contact with your wife for the next 18 years at least.

Take care.

Part of you acting differently is because of her lack of interest in intimacy with you. Let her take some responsibility for that.

I think most people in a long, ongoing relationship go in and out of feeling "in love." I know I sure do. Two weeks ago, I felt like I was ready to
withdraw permanently from my guy. I got over it. In a marriage or in any committed relationship, you just "ride out" the sterile-feeling intervals. You fake it, till the need for that is replaced by genuine affection. Sometimes, you just "do your duty" . . . IMHO.

I think you have had some excellent responses, there's not much I can add.

Rose makes a good point about the nature of long term 'love', I don't know it's ever easy, and certainly the nature of that love evolves over time. You write you may love your wife but not be 'in love' with her, that is just as much to do with your own definitions of what 'love' and 'in love' is. My own experience is that 'in love' is a relatively (a few years) of mad hormone fuelled emotion, but it does peter out - that is why it's not recommended to commit to marriage too quickly - what you are left with is hopefully a mature love. I regard you saying you love her as a positive sign among the difficulties you are having.

I'm going through the exact same thing with someone I work with. I barely know this person but there is so much energy between us.

Hi John,

at the moment I'm dealing with a similar problem and I'm interested into hearing how you have been doing since your last post

I have read quite a bit of what you have shared and sometimes in a situation like this the obsession isn't REALLY about the other woman you hardly know, a lot of times when a man's wife is expecting the first child they can begin to feel anxious about how much MORE of a commitment they are making. So, this other woman could very much simply be a symbol of "freedom" and an escape more than being "the one".

You sound like an individual that prefers to not get so involved with emotion, but DO something active instead. Your wife was "active" with you and may be similar where she too prefers to be active instead of emotional and the way she was active was extremely important to her sense of well being. Without this active outlet she is getting angry and sulking and while being pregnant is doing something, it also can ADD a great deal to someone's insecurity. Actually, IMHO, her comments about being a single mother are not meant to hurt YOU, instead she is expressing a very real fear she has. Her also saying you don't spend enough time with her is again expressing this same fear of losing you and being a single mother. Anger is often FEAR. This ankle surgery caused her to lose something important to her and it was something she used a lot instead of the "emotion stuff" and probably like you, it's her weak area also. And neither of you noticed that because you were both so physical, even sexually. An ankle is a very important part of the body to a person who is physically active (thrives on motion). Someone who runs a lot, jogs a lot, bike rides a lot, all can be a huge wipeout if the ankle is no longer functioning correctly.

Well, now she is several months pregnant and doesn't have that physical outlet so she has two BIG things that can create "fear and anger" and if she struggles with emotions, that would come out very similar to what you have been describing. And you don't do well with emotions either so you want to "escape" which as I mentioned, is something this "other" woman you don't even know symbolizes, "the escape".

I just want to add something for you to please consider. Please help your wife feel "safe" as she has this child growing inside her. This developing child needs to be able to grow and develop in a mother who isn't stressing and constantly upset.

Hi John,

Given that you and your wife are fighting more frequently, you are not very intimate and haven't been for a long time, and you are having uncontrollable thoughts about another woman, I would say that your marriage is in trouble and needs help or else you may need to separate. Her saying that she will be a single mom one day is an indication that she has thought you may need to part ways.

This will continue, these thoughts will continue as long as you are working closely with this other woman, and you're right, it's not fair to your marriage or your wife. I would say while you are not acting on your feelings, you have developed feelings for another so there's a good reason why you feel guilty. This seems to be more than just a crush since you are imagining and wondering if she could have been the one.

You also say that you don't recall ever feeling this way about your wife in the beginning, despite being all over each other and passionate physically. Physical attraction and emotional attraction are very different.

You also talk about not being sure if you are in love with your wife anymore. It is possible that given her negativity and pessimism, the lack of intimacy and that you never thought this way about her to begin with, that you have fallen out of love.

That being said, others or someone has suggested couples therapy, and I agree.

If you want to work on salvaging your marriage, couples counseling may help resolve the lack of intimacy, the fighting, her need for emotional love and your own needs within the relationship. There are many issues here to resolve, so it seems you need an objective third party to help. You say you cannot give emotional intimacy without the sex. But there's so much fighting going on, that it's probably harder to be intimate. Maybe you can't work it out and this other woman is a symptom of this marriage not working anymore. Or maybe you can work through the issues.

But the bottom line is: these issues all need to be addressed and resolved in order for both of you to be happy longer term. Otherwise, I'm afraid your marriage will continue to go down the toilet, and that definitely will not be healthy for your child to witness.

Not sure if posters have noticed but the OP has not posted since August, this thread was reawakened by someone curious as to how he was doing - as the OP has not responded it is probable he is not checking the thread.

I am guessing the baby may be born by now and I do hope things are working out okay for them.

I feel really sad for your pregnant wife.

I have not been on here for a long time, I've been extremely busy with a young child at home now.
There have been a lot of good points made and I really do appreciate everyone who has contributed.
There have still been some ups and downs but I would say things have improved a little. There is still room for a lot more improvement no doubt but things seem to be slowly going in the right direction.
For the person who asked how I was doing since my last post. What I did was try to find a flaw with this other woman and there weren't really any I could find but I did find something she did that I didn't really care for. It's a very minor thing that probably wouldn't bother most people but I tried to focus on that every time she popped in my head and I think that helped me a lot. I think once I started doing that it also changed her. She seemed less interested or she started hiding her feelings better. I do still find myself thinking of this other woman from time to time but the thoughts and feelings are far less intense now. Several months have passed since I originally posted on here and I think with time and me focusing on her "flaw" my feelings are not what they used to be that's for sure. I don't know if or when these thoughts or feelings I had/have will ever go away entirely as I don't see them vanishing entirely anytime soon but I literally couldn't go 5 minutes without thinking about her before, whereas now I can go days between thoughts of her. Most of this was before the birth of my child, having a baby, especially when she is not happy definitely helps focus on the baby and nothing else

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter, and well done figuring your way through this.