So in a thread a while back, Wolfgaze gave the advice to "look for a pattern from childhood that replays when you are an adult." During childhood, I was the oldest/ten years older than my brother and my mom had me take care of him alot. Like me, my mom has anxiety and would get upset/ check on me whenever my brother cried and in social situations if he was to loud. When my H checks on things concerning our children, it activates an anxious response in me.
Even though I understand the dynamic better now, today I felt powerless to stop it. Our son found a job in another state and I have been talking with him all week. Whenever H asks about what questions I have asked or tells me things I should ask my son or say to him I get extremely defensive. The last couple of days I have reacted in a very hostile matter. It is hard to apologize today because H is not talking me and I see no point in apologizing until I feel like I can stop acting this way (there is nothing worse than apologizing then committing the same offense again). I know it would be good to talk to a therapist right now but cannot afford it. I am hoping that talking about it here will help. I hesitate to just pop a Xanax (because then you need more and more) but maybe that is the only thing I can do.....I feel a little out of control. Perhaps it is good that my son is in another state....

I know I am completely over reacting here--any suggestions on how to stop automatically over reacting to certain situations? I do the same thing over and over (though I do stop for a few weeks then stress reactivates my negative response again).

[healingme4me]

Well, is it an overreaction if the emotional reaction fits the current moment?

I get searching for patterns. I also get that sometimes what currently is unnerving echos a distant path. For instance, already I see the connection. Your mom deferred to you to enlighten her on what she's responsible for. Your husband defers to you regarding your son and has you take on responsibilities that he can handle.

So my first question, is it overreacting when the emotion fits the current moment? The feeling of hopelessness/confusion/anxiety depression can be compounded by the fact that your mom did this to you. But I don't know, I personally find your husbands expectations of you middleman-ing his relationship with your son a bit overbearing and unnerving. I'd be angry and annoyed.

I think it's understandable you feel defensive if he is telling you things you should ask. I think the word 'telling' is key here rather than 'asking'. Telling is what your mother probably did to you, but that is a parent-child dynamic not spouse.

Personally I would try to communicate to him in a calm manner that while you are happy and open to discussing the situation and strategies with your son you have your own equally valid ideas of approaching the situation too.

I think taking a little time out is helpful sometimes until you feel calmer. In these situations I tend to say "I don't agree with that but want you to know I love you" - I have actually said that to a close female friend before as well as my H.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

I think it's understandable you feel defensive if he is telling you things you should ask. I think the word 'telling' is key here rather than 'asking'. Telling is what your mother probably did to you, but that is a parent-child dynamic not spouse.

Personally I would try to communicate to him in a calm manner that while you are happy and open to discussing the situation and strategies with your son you have your own equally valid ideas of approaching the situation too.

I think taking a little time out is helpful sometimes until you feel calmer. In these situations I tend to say "I don't agree with that but want you to know I love you" - I have actually said that to a close female friend before as well as my H.

I agree.

I understand the agitation and irritation. Perhaps it's an over-reaction but you seem aware of the causes and are setting your mind to coping with this. Remind yourself you are only human and not a bad person. It sounds like you are having some bad days (believe me I understand this).

Communication has been mentioned above. I have found this to be the answer to coping with and resolving what seems to be difficult. Usually it stems from a feeling of helplessness or lack of control of a situation. Try to talk it out. You may end up not feeling alone. Sometimes it is easier to bear that helplessness with someone who comes to understand it.

Thanks, something helpful in all the responses. Both H and I are worried about the situation and it is hard for him also. It is complicated by the fact that my son won't talk to H. He can be critical of us which I don't like and children may have picked that up from me. He'll tell me what to do but doesn't have a complete feel for the situation. Though maybe he is right in more ways than I acknowledge and I just don't see it. One reason my son is in another state is that I did not interfere when H was "pushing" him out (wanting him to leave because he is 22 and was not being responsible). It is not all bad that our son left home but for a variety of reasons it is a worrying situation. I have a lot of character problems to have let it get like this....

Why do you always blame yourself, Hoping?

Gosh, we're alike....

:-/

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Why do you always blame yourself, Hoping?

Gosh, we're alike....

:-/

Of course you are right--this was a ridiculous thread--I was panicking in an unhelpful way. I have got it back together for now. I do not have many financial resources but I am now working with relatives who want to help my son. My brother is there today with him and I will be depositing money from others beginning Monday. Sometimes you have to let others help. Maybe my ego, lack of imagination, IQ, MI, whatever, sometimes gets in my way. This is why it is good to talk about your problems. If I was totally isolated (and depression can lead you to that situation)--I wouldn't have saw how to help.....

Not ridiculous at all. Very valuable to both of us.

You said your husband is not speaking to you and, but you blame yourself for that, as you tend to do. And, frankly, not speaking to you for whatever reason isn't conducive to your healing. It just isn't.

I understand the need to clear this up on this very public forum. But I also think that looking around for an alternative opinion is a VERY valuable thing.

There have been many times when I've asked the great PC members for a more objective opinion. Sometimes, I've been wrong but sometimes, I've been right. And that's a wonderfully positive thing.

In truth, we're not there. But....it's not all you. He can be wrong too, no matter what your dynamic is.

For what it's worth, my husband frequently has to act as the go-between for members of my family. I automatically assume I am to blame for this. I don't think that's right, either.

And I am also guilty of retracting stuff I said here because I was pissed of defensive or just generally having a rant about a family member. And that's fine, too. The moods we go through are understood here. They're allowed because we're all at the mad hatters tea party here and we know what it's like for another member.

If you cut yourself some slack, then I will try to do the same for me.

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

If you cut yourself some slack, then I will try to do the same for me.

Agreed. My H not speaking to me did not last very long--we have made up.

I value your opinion. Have a wonderful Sunday!

I'm really sorry I replied. It wasn't supportive, nor was it helpful.

Hugs to you.

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

I'm really sorry I replied. It wasn't supportive, nor was it helpful.

Hugs to you.

Your replies are all just fine. Your support means so much to me. It is painful for my son to be so far away. I talk to him on the phone and try to be helpful and encouraging but I also know he needs to be out on his own---become his own independent person. So I am just trying to be conducive to that and hopefully I am. All I can do is try to stay stable (not let my emotions rule the situation) keep the lines of communication open, and give him time to figure his life out.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm very proud of you, Hopingtrying. You're always trying your best to improve yourself and the situation you're in. That's truly admirable and I wish I was good as you are. Please, don't blame yourself: you're doing the best you can and taking all the necessary steps to live a healthy life - like everyone should. And feel free to share and vent as much as you want: that's a way to cope, as well.

And the same goes for sophiesmom, as well

I understand exactly what it's like. I hope you get through this difficult time.

My two girls left in the spring and I still get emotional and have a little bit of a cry in the bathroom sometimes... Even though their transitions went smoothly....

Aaarrrgggh. Mommyhood....