A Short Rant

My car is in the shop. I was told on Monday (a week after I took it in) it was being repainted, disassembled and reassembled and would be ready Wednesday (yesterday). I called yesterday, and they told me the exact same thing, only now it would be ready by Friday. I've been stuck in the house for almost two weeks, except for my boyfriend taking me out Saturday and Sunday. Unfortunately, I slept most of the time in the car both days because I've been sleeping most of the time I've been at home.

Anyway, my boyfriend is going away for almost a week starting Monday, so I need my car before then. He said he's not willing to cancel the trip. I already knew that, because he never canceled any trips for me in the 24 years we've been together, although I've canceled plenty of plans for him. My sister excuses it as, "That's the way most men are," and I'm sick of her always defending him because he's a man. I don't buy into that bull****. Frankly, I just want to hear from people who agree with me it's insensitive, since I have to be able to go out for food and needs (including ladies' needs). I'm already upset he's broken a big promise he made to me before his last trip three or so weeks ago, but I'll keep this short for now. I hope somebody understands why I'm upset and not give me sexist excuses. I'm not trying to be rude, but I've had enough for now.

I apologize if this is an insensitive question but do you absolutely need your boyfriend to take you out everywhere? Are you able to walk, take a bus, or (not as cost efficient but still works) a taxi?

It sounds like you have very little independence in this relationship and make it sound as if you're stuck in the house - that is not good! What do you do to occupy your time? Do you work, volunteer, go to school, etc? I'm just trying to get a better understanding of what your daily life is like.

I only need him when I don't have my car. There's nowhere of interest to walk, and I'm trying to lose weight, but that hampers my ability to walk far. I usually drive to stores or our local park to walk around. No busses nearby and I don't take public transportation anymore, anyway, because I have severe OCD and have had some bad experiences in busses. I don't have much money, because I'm on Social Security, but I get paid today, so that helps. I literally had about $10.00 in the bank until today.

If you want to know more about my situation, go to the OCD forum and search for "Living in Hell (Trash)" and its update. My OCD is severe, plus I have panic disorder and depression. I have a psychiatrist, and I found a psychologist who takes Medicare I'll see for the first time on Tuesday. Anyone I find who specializes in OCD doesn't take Medicare, and at least one didn't take any insurance at all.

I tried going to college a few years ago, but it didn't work out. I ended up having to pay about $2000 because I dropped out.

Really short, this is the plan: Get house cleaned up (I need my boyfriend for this, because my OCD is tangled up so bad, plus he's partially responsible, which I think is because he grew up in a messy/possible hoarding situation), get new sheets and bedding on bed, dust everything, be able to use my computer (that I've had for about two and a half years and have only been able to use about 5 times... I would've waited to buy it had I known this), and start a writing career. That's something I can do. Don't misunderstand; I don't think I'm going to write, get rich, and never have money problems again. I am quite familiar with the writing world and know it's hard to get into. But this is what I can do.

I was never taught to be on my own. I do hope to make enough money to do that one day. This isn't the situation I meant to wind up in.

When I have my car, I get out most days, take care of my cats and our bird, drive, shop, see movies (depending on how much money my boyfriend leaves me), come home at night, feed the cats again (I have indoor and outdoor cats, but I won't get into that now), then mess around on my phone until I get sleepy and go to bed. I also read, but haven't in a while, I think because there's too much stuff on my bed to be comfortable (I can only sleep on my left side, or have a higher risk of falling off, which would be a huge OCD issue). Getting it all off is part of the cleanup process. There are also fleas, and my legs especially are all bitten and scratched (sometimes past bleeding). I've talked to my psychiatrist and doctor, but they don't know what to do. The house is in my boyfriend's name, so I can't hire people to clean (and I don't have thousands of dollars to do it, anyway, which is what they told me it would cost).

I just went through my car being in an inept mechanic's shop for six weeks. I FINALLY got it back, only to have it break down again. Back to a different shop for 2 days.

As far as I'm concerned, not having a car is sheer hell.

sorry I posted some suggestions but then looked at your other posts. I think you should call a taxi And go to a shelter and inform them that you are inSDDI and have no place to live, boyfriend's house is unsuitable.

They'll help with subsidized housing/group home.

Call animal shelter and explain Situation, let them take your cats. When you get subsidized housing, get your cats back. Your cats are unsafe in your house. If you have fleas, so do they. It's unsuitable for animals. They stuck and have no choice.

When your car is ready then shelter can help you to get it. Do it all tonight. Look up local shelter. Call taxi. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Actually while you are calling taxi, call your doctor. Tell them what's going on. Things could be better for you, starting right now. Do it. Hugs.

I agree that you should really consider your cats' well-being and have them somewhere else right now. I understand that you're struggling and trying your best, but right now the living standards really aren't suitable for your cats. Please please please think of their health and happiness.

Wanted to add what meds are you on? My husband has Tourettes with severe OCD. He is on Celexa. It works beautifully, he is on rather low dose but it works. If he ever forgets a dose, it's very obvious right away (oh boy it's tough, plus his tucks kick in bad). I also had a student with bad OCD and she could barely function, she went on Celexa and it changed her life. Trust me I am not advertising it but it's worth to try. If my husband didnt take Celexa he wouldn't be able to work, that's for sure. Talk to your pdoc

I'm going to respond to these messages later today, guys. I need to get some sleep, but I do have some things to say. I will say right now, I agree with you the situation is bad for my cats, bird (my boyfriend bought him, long before we moved here and had cats, but I consider him mine, too), my boyfriend and me. I agree changes must be made. I'm hoping the new psychologist will be able to help. Some things are holding me back, but I do care very much about the animals and my well being. Please try not to think I don't care. I am hindered by my OCD and fear.

OK, I got some sleep. I am feeling so freaking stupid over money I spent that I can't afford to spend. I know it's because I've been more depressed than usual and stuck here, but I have been wanting some items (it's really one item in particular that I shouldn't have gotten), and planned to get them this month, but I didn't realize how much I was spending. I had been doing better financially, but I'm just stupid.

Addressing the previous comments, Laurie, I'm sorry for your car troubles. It's so frustrating and costly.

Divine 1966, my OCD makes just leaving more complicated than that. I know I should "just do it" but I can't bring myself to do it. Also, it's not like it's all my boyfriend's fault. My OCD caused most of this mess, plus all the excess weight I gained (but I'm losing now).

Public transportation is "dirty" to me. Plus, my boyfriend has threatened me, sometimes joking, sometimes serious, that if I crossed him, he could make my life hell by making my property and me dirty. There are certain things and ways that he can do that where I can't make my things "clean" again. I mean, it's not just a matter of washing and disinfecting. It's like the contamination becomes part of the item. And it's not just dirty and clean in the way you understand things to be dirty and clean. I can't explain it. Dirty, contaminated and clean are just the words I use to describe it.

I can't live just anywhere. Low-income housing is dirty too me. When I visited my mom when she was alive (I miss her so much) in her apartment, I was very uncomfortable. I couldn't even go into the house she'd previously lived in, even though I lived there all through my teen and young adult years.

I know you're wondering how I can live in this mess, with all the cat pee and poop, and believe me, so do I. I would never have been able to move into a house like this if this is how it was when my boyfriend bought it. Incidentally, when he bought it, he didn't consult me. His first two choices were bought quickly and he panicked, and grabbed it. This was not a great choice for me.

I can't call a cat shelter. We already have too many cats. I'll try to make this short: I never intended to have cats. I love them, and want them, don't get me wrong, but I started feeding a mama cat and her kittens outside, and it grew over time, with other cats showing up and new ones being born. None were meant to come inside, but one cat got injured outside, so we took her to the vet, and she became an inside/outside cat. We've had a fairly recent situation with two kittens finding their way into our basement from outside, too little to get back out. My boyfriend caught one (very displeased) kitten, got it outside, and it ran back into the basement and hid. So, we've been feeding them and working with them to get them friendly, but the one he caught is still distrustful.

The shelters here have reputations for putting most cats down. I've been calling rescues, but so far, they're full, and their cats have to be "over-the-top" friendly. Most of my cats are feral, and the ones that are friendly only trust me, and my boyfriend a little bit. Five of our cats are fixed, but catching them is difficult. We've had animal control after us, and they caught a few (I feel sad because they were likely put to sleep), but gave up until the kittens that were there at the time got a little older and more trusting. My boyfriend was supposed to call them in March and take over feeding for me, but he didn't. I really don't want them put to sleep.

I actually planned to get a couple of dogs one day, but the cats came, and there's too many. One thing, please: Don't tell me I'd end up in the same situation with dogs, because I wouldn't. I have it planned and I wouldn't get them until I was healthier. I just don't need to hear this crap from others... I've heard it enough grin my sister, who has run over dreams I've had and I had thought she supported me.

My sister can't help, BTW, because she lives in Kentucky (I'm in NJ and can't travel there, not that I want to) and she's in poor health. She struggles with money, too, and is already helping some family.

Yes, the fleas came from the cats. We do treatments, but the fleas are everywhere. I constantly itch and have sores on my legs and feet from scratching.

My doctor and psychiatrist know the situation. I've told them about everything, including the cat poo. But my boyfriend tries (to a point) to deal with me, and I don't want to get him in more trouble than he's in. He just got another notice from the city (he had one before, several months ago) that I think he's checking on today. He doesn't keep up with the front and back lawns, and there's a lot of overgrowth, so that may be why.

Before his last vacation (he makes many trips and goes to several events a year, even though I've had to cancel many for him, and he's not canceled one for me), about 3 weeks ago, he promised several times that he was going to concentrate on getting my room cleaned up and get me clean and functional again as soon as he got back. He worked one day for no more than 15 minutes. A few days ago, I asked if he was going to get back to it, and he said he was waiting for my car to be ready. I don't know why. It's supposed to be ready today, but he leaves for another trip Monday to Sunday. I thought I hadn't gotten my hopes up (knowing past experience), but apparently I did, because I'm royally upset over him breaking this promise... again.

My boyfriend would be livid if I let anyone in to see what this house is like. I don't want to risk losing my property. And he says they'll take all my stuff (which is mostly in plastic containers, not thrown about), plus the threats he's made to me to make them dirty. Right now, I don't have keys to my storage units (one has my mom's stuff, which I've needed my boyfriend to help me go through for the three and a half years she's been gone, because of my OCD) and my cat peed on my copy of the key to the storage unit with my stuff), and I don't want to lose my stuff. Yes, I realize I'm very attached to my stuff, but people have been taking away my stuff since I was a kid, and I won't stand for anything being taken that I want to keep anymore. I'm an adult.

My meds are Paxil (the dose was just increased... I got back on it because it worked well, despite some side effects), Prozac and Xanax. I was on Celexa previously, but I don't recall it doing much for me. Anafranil (which I just got off of) worked the best by far when I was first put on it, but a different doctor took me off it, and when I had to go back on it, it didn't work nearly as well anymore.

Have your doctors seen your house? Pets? Condition you live in?

You mentioned "your property". It's not yours though? Is your name on that house? If not then it's not yours.

I live with spouse with OCD and I know it's totally irrational, but I feel there is help. When he was younger he got help from very vocational rehab services, help with behavioral therapy etc your state definitely has it to. One has to seek it. If you are on disability, vocational rehabilitation services should be helping you along with your case manager and a psychiatrist.

it is pretty clear that your boyfriend isn't going to clean anything and nothing will be done. I am extremely concerned about pets. I am unsure how your boyfriend affords all these vacations he goes on to. Both i and my husband have college degrees and professional jobs and decent salaries but the most we can afford is two vacations a year. How does he pay for these trips? What does he do for a living that he could be gone for weeks?

No, my doctor and psychiatrist haven't seen the house. They've never asked to, but as I said, I'd get in trouble with my boyfriend if I let anyone see.

Yes, the things I have paid for or that have been gifted me belong to me. The house belongs to my boyfriend. That doesn't mean he owns everything in it.

I've been looking into vocational rehab, but I don't think I can handle it. My OCD doesn't deal well with schools. What I want to do is write. That's the whole idea of my boyfriend being my room clean so I can use my computer again and submit my work.

My boyfriend is a computer programmer. He has trouble paying bills lately (well, he's late, usually) but keeps going on his trips. He tells me this next trip (like all trips) are "non-negotiable." His trips usually range from a weekend to 10 days. During September through November, he goes every weekend to watch marching bands. Then, he goes away for 10 days for Thanksgiving. After that, I don't think there's any until June or July, unless something of interest comes up.

Sometimes we get stuck and can't take a step.

I'm sorry you're frozen in place. I think you will be until you let someone who's willing to help, see your situation.

Then you have to accept their help.

Then you have to do what they advise.

It's kind of a huge deal to put yourself in someone else's hands, so I get it. I get the fear.

At some point, you will have to prioritize. Then things will (or will not, depending on your choices) improve for you.

Until then, rant as much as you want to. It's probably good for you.

((Maven))

Thank you. I told my boyfriend that I want to talk again, but I know he gets mad at me. Right, now, he has things on his mind, but the thing is, there's always something. There's always a reason to wait. Now it's this almost week-long trip. I know this mess is much of my fault, but if we could just get back to clean, I'd function a lot better. I'm sorry, I really am, and I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to just clean. I'm in a box. I can't explain how I see this mess, and why I can't do things the way most people think I should be able to, but I wish people would just take my word and try to help me find another solution.

I'm afraid if I leave, I won't be able to live financially as well as I can now, and I'm not living well financially. But I can shop now and then, and just get my mind off things and feel a little bit better. We're supposed to get better Internet and TV (we have no access to TV now, but I think he's still paying the bill, maybe because the person would have to come inside to disconnect the TV, I'm not sure) when we get cleaned up. I know it's not going to happen.

I'm sorry. I hope the psychologist can help me. For the record, even though I'm scared for anyone to see and to get in trouble with my boyfriend, I did describe my home to my psychiatrist as "unlivable." He knows of the trash, cat pee and poo.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like your boyfriend has a lot of control over you. You are afraid to make decisions and changes because you fear he will get angry at you. He goes out on long trips, knowing that you struggle with OCD and getting out of the house. It sounds like he is focusing on himself and how he feels, and not considering you at all. Meanwhile, you are focusing on him and making sure he doesn't get mad. This does not sound like a healthy relationship, and being able to shop once in a while does not make a relationship worth staying in. Is a little occasional extra money worth your independence and quality of life? I certainly don't think so. You deserve a happy life and in this situation right now you will never find that.

I don't disagree. I just don't know how to overcome my OCD anymore. The meds used to help so well. I can't live where I feel dirty, even though I kind of am now. But most of my stuff is protected. I thought maybe I could move into this brand new building being built for elderly people, but they've got over 200 people applied for 74 rooms, and it isn't finished being built yet. Not the safest area, either.

Had some tears today. Never enough.

(((((Maven)))))

I understand that you don't want your cats put down, and nor would I. However, as long as you have access to the internet, you can try to find someone, somewhere to take care of them until you can sort your living situation out. There are animal loving individuals who are very sympathetic if you're willing to post in places like Kijiji/Craigslist and explain your situation and why you can't have pets right now.

I am worried for what could happen if the city gets involved. On the one hand, more services may become available to help you; otoh, it may depend on your boyfriend, idk? I'm a renter, so my apartment has to pass city inspection every three years. Which basically means, a 3 foot clear path throughout the house. Which is a lot harder than it sounds. I had neighbors get thrown out from here for hoarding.

I wish we knew what your bf's city notices said! Sorry for being so nosy!

I will respond to these posts shortly. We just found out one of our kittens in the basement is dead. She seems to have fallen. She was the more social one. I'm extremely upset right now.

TheDragon, places like Craigslist are notorious for dog fighters looking for bait animals. I'd rather have a rescue that does background checks find them a home.

Unaluna, it turns out the notice was about the lawn. He's going to do some work on it today.

With the loss of our kitten, I really don't want him to go away.

Nothing is stopping you from screening people yourself before you hand your cats over. From what you said it sounds like most rescues won't be able to take your cats anytime soon, and it's not fair that your cats have to live like this. If you really care about your cats' wellbeings then you'll find a way to get them to a better place for the time being instead of making excuses. Have you tried the ASPCA?

Cats, even kittens don't typically die from falls unless they're extreme. There has to be a preexisting condition that would lead to a fall that would kill a cat or the place is extremely unsafe.

It does sound like your place is unsafe for cats right now...I really really hope you're able to remedy that asap.

I am with Dragon. Place is very unsafe for pets. For the sake of them please make phone calls for them to be picked up ASAP.

Kitten would not die from simply falling down.

Also cats have very thin skin and it's easily infected if bitten by insects/bugs/spider/fleas. Infections are usually not very visible but they can kill a cat. You really can't have cats if you have any kind of infestation of bugs/insects.

Please call someone about your cats today.

The local SPCA (I'm not sure they're still affiliated with them; they're in the next county and changed their name) is not a no-kill shelter. We have worked with the local animal control in our county (there's also a Humane Society, but they don't take in new animals), who tried to catch the outdoor cats and kittens at that time, and they did catch some, but they decided to wait for the ones they didn't catch, in hopes they'd gain more trust of us. My boyfriend was supposed to call them back in March, but he didn't. They're handling everything through him. Before this happened, for the past couple of weeks, he's been saying he's going to call them again, but he hasn't said when.

He also promised, when he gets back from his trip, he's going to clean up... like he promised before.

You can call it excuses, but dog fighting is a real problem here. All the advice I see from experts tells you not to use Craigslist or "free to good home" ads.