[JustJenny]

May look rather obvious, but why do otherwise successful (married) couples decide to split? I understand it when there is an obvious reason, like cheating, lying, abuse (physical or psychological) and such. But when there is no apparent reason, what happens?

I have been married for around three years and our fights became more frequent. Fights about nothing really. Sometimes I think I would be better off alone or that I am dragging him down. And then we make up and everything is fine again. He says he loves me and that we are making compromises to keep each other optimally happy. But something does not feel right.

So I was wondering, what are the early signs of marriage crumbling apart? What should one look out for? I would be interested to hear some personal stories.

Originally Posted by JustJenny

May look rather obvious, but why do otherwise successful (married) couples decide to split? I understand it when there is an obvious reason, like cheating, lying, abuse (physical or psychological) and such. But when there is no apparent reason, what happens?

I have been married for around three years and our fights became more frequent. Fights about nothing really. Sometimes I think I would be better off alone or that I am dragging him down. And then we make up and everything is fine again. He says he loves me and that we are making compromises to keep each other optimally happy. But something does not feel right.

So I was wondering, what are the early signs of marriage crumbling apart? What should one look out for? I would be interested to hear some personal stories.

I like this Youtube video about the issue:

My husband and I's gridlock issues are power and our children.

My sister was suggesting that I watch Game of Thrones on TV (I have read the books but have not seen the show) so I responded that I don't watch much TV and when I do H controls the remote. She says, "You need to get him to compromise more, you should have the remote at least one day a week?" I told her I don't care about this and H and I laugh about this all the time but it has not been a laughing matter when it comes to visiting family. I literally have gone years and years without seeing them prior to my attempt whilst we saw his mom on a regular basis. Part of it was a money issue--we live closer to his family than mine so we cannot afford to travel out west much. My H hates to hear me complain so many times through the years, he would cut me off/insist I not talk about this issue when I really needed some compassion because it was so painful for me that I never ever got to see them...

Despite all our issues, our 30th Anniversary will be this year.

[TishaBuv]

Do you have good make up sex? Could that be the reason the little fights about nothing are happening? I've been living in hell over that.

[Sunflower123]

In my case it was because I was diagnosed with a mental illness and although he was a paramedic and understood tangible illnesses, he didn't believe in mental illness. I was the major bread winner and had to quit working. He became verbally and emotionally abusive. There were fights, tension, and emotional distance. Absolutely no meetings of the mind. For my own sanity, I had to leave.

I hope you and your husband get it worked out to your satisfaction.

[divine1966]

My first husband and I got divorced after about 5 years of marriage.

There was no cheating of lying or any other obvious reasons, my ex is a good person, in fact we continued co parenting very well and remained amicable. We are on friendly terms.

We were just a bad match, we married to quickly because we were in love. We have similar values but there was nothing else to sustain marriage. We had nothing in common and our personalities clashed all the time. He is very type A and so am I and we constantly clashed and could not agree on anything.

Signs of marriage falling apart I think is feeling of emotional distance. I also remember feeling of knot in my stomach, like I felt sick. It was a gut feeling I think. I didn't want to live with that feeling. We were both too miserable at the end.

Do you and your husband discuss what might be wrong? Is he the type to work on marriage?

[JustJenny]

Hopingtrying, thank you for sharing that video! That was actually very helpful.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Do you have good make up sex? Could that be the reason the little fights about nothing are happening? I've been living in hell over that.

Nah, our fights are not that bad. They usually arise due to something small and now I definitely see some patterns after watching the video Hopingtrying has recommended. I am probably worrying over nothing.

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

In my case it was because I was diagnosed with a mental illness and although he was a paramedic and understood tangible illnesses, he didn't believe in mental illness. I was the major bread winner and had to quit working. He became verbally and emotionally abusive. There were fights, tension, and emotional distance. Absolutely no meetings of the mind. For my own sanity, I had to leave.

I hope you and your husband get it worked out to your satisfaction.

When I had a breakdown I became like a broken records, always talking, thinking and even dreaming about my issues. I don't think he fully understood what went on in my head and he could tolerate me taking meds only if that was temporary. And he did stay with me without questioning it when I was at my worst.

I am pretty insecure about myself. My relationship with my mother is pretty strange, we never really understood each other well. On our wedding day my mother was far more nervous than I. She kept treating me as a child just like she always did. At some point I got fed up with that and told her to stop doing that, as it made me uncomfortable. She didn't take that well, overreacted and said "Your now-husband loves you now, but at some point he and his family will realise what a bad selfish person you are. It is going to be too late then.". Ten minutes later I apologised to my mother, since that was the only way to patch things up. She said she didn't mean any of those things she said, but somehow it got engraved in my brain. Now every time some disagreement happens between me and my husband, a voice inside my head says "That is it, that is what my mother told me would happen".

[JustJenny]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Signs of marriage falling apart I think is feeling of emotional distance. I also remember feeling of knot in my stomach, like I felt sick. It was a gut feeling I think. I didn't want to live with that feeling. We were both too miserable at the end.

Do you and your husband discuss what might be wrong? Is he the type to work on marriage?

We definitely do have an emotional connection, there is no doubt about it. And he would discuss things. In fact, I am the one who is more likely to withdraw to think things over. I think he prefers to discuss things immediately. We are also friends and do things together. Nevertheless, we seems to fight more and I am not quite sure what is a normal level of fighting and what is too much.

We move last year from Western Europe to Central Asia for work reasons. This definitely puts some strain on our marriage, because he really does not like it here. I seem to tolerate it a little better. I wonder if this could drive us apart.

Some people get married for the wrong reasons in the first place. Perhaps they mistook romance for love, obsession for love, etc. Perhaps they married because it seemed the right thing to do at the right time. Perhaps one or the other was more in love with the idea of being in love and so on. There are numerous reasons for getting married. Thus the couple may never connect. They remain two individuals as opposed to being a pair.

Another reason that comes to mind is a lack of communication - particularly having tough conversations before marriage or moving in together. The individuals may have had completely different ideas of what it is to be married - finances and division of labour are good examples.

What I am saying is that differences might simply stem from opposing views on what the marriage will settle into.

First of all I think long term relationships evolve through all different stages, from the connectedness of the honeymoon phase through all of the challenges that come our way as we go through life. You have had quite a big challenge with relocating recently and that may have created some stresses between you which has led to arguments. I think this is normal, and actually confronting these disagreements can be healthy (conflict avoidance is not).

I found this article which you might find helpful:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...-over-and-over

Particularly point 1 from what you write about your mother, I suspect you absorbed some negative views about yourself and your own abilities to rise above challenges from her. This doesn't mean you are doomed (far from it), but understanding where your patterns of behaviour come from may be helpful.

[Unrigged64072835]

I divorced my first husband because I didn't realize I wasn't ready for marriage until after we married. It sucked, though, because he loved me, and I hurt him pretty bad. He did marry someone else and he's doing fine now.

I was about to divorce my second husband because although he looked caring and loving on the outside, he had some skeletons he let loose after our first year. He ended up dying before that happened.

Sometimes people just drift apart after being married. I've seen that happen with friends.