Raising an introvert in a world of extroverts

I am an introvert. I can put on a big smile, boom my voice loudly and interact with others like a politician when I have to, but it takes all of my energy to do it because it does not come naturally. I constantly have to push myself to get out there and "get in the game". I do this because my observations over the years have taught me that the extroverts always win. They are the squeaky wheels that always get the oil. I am now struggling with this issue because my daughter is just like me. She tends to gravitate inwards instead of outwards. She is a kind person and wants to grow up and contribute good things to society. She knows what she likes and does not like and has a small circle of friends, but she is an introvert. Her voice is usually drowned out by others around her who are extroverts. I am struggling with guiding her through life as I don't want her to think there is something wrong with her or unintentionally make her feel inadequate. I've tried to give her tips and instruction on how to be more outgoing, but she just rolls her eyes and says "leave me alone". I am bothered by this as I feel she has to be the boisterous extrovert in order to be heard in this world. I don't want her to be the silent shadow on the sidelines. I think there is an assumption in this world that introverts lack confidence and therefore do not have to be respected. It's not right, but I've seen it happen many times. I suppose I should let my daughter just be who she was born to be, but until society gets an attitude adjustment I'm afraid her introverted life will be marked with unhappiness and frustration.

There are introverts who have done just fine in life. Bill Gates comes to mind. I was an introvert growing up in a family of extroverts and was perfectly happy reading books in my room or playing with barbies. I always had friends and did well in school. The really hard thing for me was my parents thinking something was wrong with me and trying to force me to be an extrovert. It was excruciating and did more damage than good.

Your daughter has many wonderful qualities and something special that only she in her introverted way can contribute to the world. I agree with you talking with her about introverts and extroverts because what you're saying is somewhat correct but let her do her with all due respect.

Just focus on loving your daughter for who she is. Let her know that who she is, is already wonderful. Don't pressure her to change because it only sends the message that you think she isn't good enough. That will do far more damage to her than anything you fear "society" will do. It sounds like she is already feeling upset by the way you're trying to change her because she is asking you to stop. Don't send the message that she isn't good enough because she isn't an extrovert. Just love and accept her for who she is. She will find her own path, and she won't have to be an extrovert to do it. If you build up her self-confidence, she will find her own voice without falsely pretending to be someone else.

How has she been doing? Does she progress well in school, have friends, get along with people, seem basically comfortable in her own skin?

Have you heard of the book 'Quiet: the Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking'? You might find it helpful in both parenting your daughter and understanding yourself. There is a Ted talk by the author you might find interesting:

https://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain..._of_introverts

Yes she does. That is what is important. I guess I'm making this out to be a problem when it's not.

Thanks so much for that suggestion. I will check it out.

It's a great TED talk. I watched it & it described me almost perfectly. I had no idea about introvert /extrovert growing up. But I grew up back in the age where things were done on a more individual basis. Being an only child I had lots of alone time but also great times playing with the guys in the neighborhood & learning how to deal with my fears to make sure I was able to keep up with them being the "girl" in the neighborhood.

I was always quiet because I didn't want to say anything stupid like I saw my dad do even though he was an extreme introvert. I didn't want to embarrass myself the way he embarrassed me.....so I focused on studying & getting good grades while also being involved in activities I enjoyed. I was in orchestra from the time I was in 4th grade & always was involved in performances & recitals. In junior high I was never had a group of friends but was friends with all groups....I just never felt comfortable in group settings....but i ended up president of our girls scholastic club, president of orchestra & got to conduct it for a graduation piece we played & was a class representative in student counsel.....while being a totally quiet & non-extrovert person.

Music & marching & symphonic band stuck with me through my AA degree....& music & practicing is totally an alone sort of thing which suited me fine. Even though I excelled in school I always had to work hard which took lots of alone study time because I had no confidence in my intelligence given the family environment I lived in with my parents.

I ended up changing majors into accounting & computer science then got married. Even my 6 week trip to Rome Italy was a very alone experience. My H was working & I went out, took the metro into Rome & wandered around learning ancient history & finding interesting places to investigate while being open enough to talk quietly with fascinating people I ran into during my days.

My BS degree landed me a career as an aerospace computer design engineer..which meant lots of presentations to our military customers. Had to learn how to do presentations in front of a large group of people who knew what I should be talking about.

With all that, I was NEVER the life of any party or the loud person everyone knew....I was the quiet one who moved around in parties & took time to talk to many in small groups.

It took me years to even be able to speak out in larger groups I wasn't doing a presentation for....group participation other than listening only happened in the last 10 years as my confidence in my knowledge grew.

Introvert/extrovert is a spectrum sort of thing totally dependent on circumstances & sometimes pushing through the introvert at times when it's needed. Alone time for creativity is important while group gatherings to bring together thoughts & ideas is just as important also. We as humans unless on either extreme end ou the spectrum tend to adapt (when allowed) to what is needed in our lives which is constantly changing.

This TED talk is right on.

Eskielover......you sound very similar to my daughter. Thanks for sharing info on your path through life. You sound very successful and it shows that you don't have to be the one that is loud all the time in order to accomplish things.