Do people who have money in the bank dislike people who haven't?

I do talk regularly with my other sister, who is equally far away. We call each other. But the sister I never hear from has been making statements in recent years about how she doesn't "like to talk on the phone." For all her life it wasn't a problem, but now it's a problem. So I don't want to subject her to phone calls, if she finds them so odious.

At first I couldn't see why you thought it was about the money but then you write later in this thread about some of her comments about people/neighbours, which seem very judgemental. She sounds a very insecure person who needs to put others down, and I don't think that has anything to do with money.

I would imagine she is very difficult to have a friendly relaxed conversation with if she makes these kind of comments about others. Perhaps this is also playing into your decision not to call (as well that she does not call you).

The not calling is not always a clear cut issue - I have been guilty of that with my sister but the reason behind it is that she is way busier than me and I always seem to call at the wrong time. I tend to leave it to her so she can choose when she gets in touch. Not saying that is what has happened here but there can be reasons behind someone not calling.

The gift is an odd one. I do wonder if that is her way of expressing affection/reaching out, and if she is just very unsure of how to show she cares in an appropriate way.

I appreciate, Sprout, your putting things together from my different posts here. Insecurity seems to be a major feature of her personality. All her life, she said that it was very important to her to feel secure in material things. She has a domineering husband she's always trying to please, and he doesn't seem to like having too much to do with in-laws. The both of them seem to want to claim friends who have a lot, though neither of them seems to have many friends. The world has always scared her. She seemed always to believe that having money was a way of feeling safer.

It was never in her nature to put others down a lot. But she does seem to get impressed by people who have economic status. She and her husband seem to feel there's not much to be gained by hanging out with people who don't have a certain level of material success. I can kinda understand people of means not wanting to get too intimate with people who are poor. They might not like seeing poorer individuals struggling for things they can have easily. No one wants to be forced into a pitying state of mind all the time. And they don't want to watch people in difficulty, due to limited means, that they don't experience. I might be okay going out to Sonic for a burger, where they like to frequent good steak houses. People of means don't really want to talk about their lifestyle with someone who lives on a whole other level. I think there is a lack of commonality of experience.

She retired early because she could afford to. Her kids are grown, so her time is her own. I believe she wishes I had more because she genuinely wishes I was enjoying more of life's luxurues. I don't doubt that it honestly saddens her that there are nice things I can't afford. But I'm not living in a hovel eating cat food for dinner. I'm very content with what I have.

I remember how she was giddy with excitement when she bought a car that had a telephone installed in it. (Back before cell phones were everywhere.) I actually think her life is a bit boring because she doesn't seem to have a lot of interests. I'm always reading and following current events. She doesn't, to the point that she doesn't have a lot to converse about. She's quite a nice person, but the range of things she's interested in is pretty narrow. Somewhere along the line, she got real impressed with how affluent people live. Mimicking that seems to be what she and her husband attemot to do.

I've noticed that very highly affluent people are often the easiest for me to talk with, as they tend to have a lot of robust interests. They've traveled and done interesting things. My sister, I'm afraid, was always a bit dull. Her husband doesn't have much polish and can be quite ungracious, but I'm coming to think he doesn't really know any better. If I asked her to do me some favor, she's very quick to oblige. She's generous. But she seems to have no interest in just keeping up with what's going on with me, or sharing what's going on with her. I'm not sure what goals she has, other than seeming to want to imitate what she thinks is the way successful people do.

We may just be so different. We're two people who would never in a thousand years choose each other for friends. We happened to get born into the same family. I don't think that, just because two people are siblings, they have to be deeply involved with each other. Siblings sometimes don't have a lot in common, except a certain shared history.

I don't intrude on my sister. I live on the opposite edge of the continent. In no way, am I pushing myself into her life in a way that she or her husband might find me a nuisance. I think basic decency indicates that siblings keep reasonably in touch and express some bit of concern about large challenges that each other are coping with - like my s.o. being in very poor health. I'm not looking to wear her out with a litany of the troubles I deal with. I don't ask her questions she might find invasive. I believe in leaving people as much privacy as they want. If she stays away from a subject, I don't try to go there. Nowadays, long distance phone calls are free after 9 p.m. and on weekends on our cell phones. She doesn't participate in social media like facebook. I can't travel to visit her because my s.o. can't be left alone. Caring for him greatly constrains me. So she just lets months and years go by with next to no contact. I've no children. When her kids were growing up, I remembered every birthday and significant event. Recently, she moved to a new home. I don't even have her current address.

When there are thousands of miles separating people and traveling to visit is put on hold for years at a time, due to some circumstance, it can be hard to keep a connection alive. But I don't think you just become indifferent to the existance of someone like a sister. I didn't do anything bad to her.

Part of her admiration for "successful" people includes her wanting to believe that she has nice manners, such as upper class people are supposed to have. When our mother died, we discussed properly thanking people who offered condolences to our family. I offered to send out the "thank you" notes, as I like to do that sort of thing, whereas she would have found it a real chore. She told me that I need only send those notes to people who had sent flowers and not to people who had merely visited at the wake. If she had ever bothered to crack open an etiquette book, she would have found that no expert on nice behavior agrees with that. I was mildly horrified that she would think you're just supposed to thank people who spent money. Some of the most heart-warming gestures were made by people who didn't spend money: neighbors who came by to visit our father, non-relatives who showed up at the wake and spent time sitting with my father (some of them - childhood friends of my father's, who sat near, while he cried.) Nice person that she genuinely can be, she seems utterly clueless about what principles govern appropriate courteous gestures. But she thinks she knows, and she seems to assume it's about money. She's really not that cold, but she may be that dumb.

Maybe I've just solved the riddle. She never was a deep thinker. Maybe some things just don't occur to her. She was never good at spontaneous expressions of warmth. When I used to visit an aunt of ours who was dying of cancer, my sister told me that she would have no idea what to say to our aunt. I guess, in a sense, my sister is kind of shallow . . . not in that she's uncaring. Rather she seems to have some impediment in her ability to express caring. It's her capacity for expression that seems grossly under-developed. That may be something she can't help. Maybe I need to be more understanding of that.

Well, I guess I've beaten this subject to death. I would like to get over being so bothered about this. It has lately ruined my piece of mind.

To answer the question,

"Do people who have money in the bank dislike people who haven't?"

If relative wealth or money in the bank is an issue between people it is because one or both have prejudices, fears and/or insecurities regarding their disposition in this matter.

This wonderluster has made friends with people much poorer and much richer than myself.

I have certainly have known or known of rich people disliking the poor and poor people disliking the rich. This is simply prejudicial attitudes.

I can only say what I have experienced in my life.

It really comes down to who a person honors and respects.

It sounds to me like you have a really good insight into her behaviour. Whatever is behind her behaviour from all that you've written here I am sure it is not about you at all, but about her own stuff.

Hugs to you Rose, I can see that her behaviour has been hurtful and perplexing to you, but she is still your sister and you do care.

PS You make a great point about commonality and shared experience separating those with money from those without, I think you are very good at 'getting into another's shoes and seeing it from their perspective'. I don't think it's true in every case that people stick only with their own 'sort' but the very existance of class systems would support what you are saying.

I'm sorry, your sister just sounds like a really shallow person who's not very connected to the world at-large. Hard times are good for people or lean times. It teaches you how to get by and how to survive, so you can truly appreciate the wealthy times. It also teaches you innovation and creativity because you have to learn to make do without things. And you learn who your real friends are.

I understand about the obligatory gift thing. I abhor that. My family has been doing that for years. I just stopped. There is so much bad blood between all of us and I don't understand what the fake Hallmark cards and $25 gift cards are really supposed to be saying. I don't want freaking gift cards, I want time. My family could never understand that I valued their time and friendship and companionship more than some stupid gift. I can buy myself whatever I need or want (although right now wants are all on hold because I'm looking for a new job). I don't need or want their stupid gift card. What I do want is a Saturday morning to go fishing or go to the movies...but they never want to do that. I used to be really close to my brother and one day, after I had been a nanny for him for his first child for 2 years, and complained that he never called me for anything except babysitting these days, he told me point blank he couldn't spend time with me anymore, and that was from his wife. What kind of wife drives a wedge between two siblings? They always thought I was out for their money because I struggled for a while when I was in grad school (I was a grad student, grad students struggle financially, it's a rule) and then I worked in the nonprofit field so even though I completely supported myself, both of my siblings made more than me because they went into IT.

Anyways, my point is that I stopped sending cards and pointless gifts after all the bad blood because I'm honestly not close with my family, except my mom, because they are all users and abusers and why would I keep in touch with people who have physically abused me?

Honestly, it's hard, but I wouldn't bother with that relationship with your sister. Keep in contact with the sister who has some compassion, caring, and empathy, and let the other one be as she is. You can't change her. Accept her yearly gifts, send her a thank you note, and just let it go. Send a gift if you want to, but only if you want to, not because you're obligated to.

That's my take.

And to answer your original question, I would say that no, in general wealthy people aren't uncomfortable with less wealthy people, but money between family members is super weird, and I would say that within families that it can be true that there is a level of discomfort. Because family members tend to expect everyone in their family to be at the same "level" and they don't understand when someone values something else.

Seesaw

Seesaw, it sounds like we have had similar reactions to similar experiences. Thanks for your take on what you've gone through. My sister's not very connected to the world at large, and I'm not sure what explains that. Her interests are pretty limited. She has no hobbies. Her immediate family is everything to her. I think there is a similar in-law dynamic in our situations, also. Her husband seems to curtail her contact with her family. One time she invited me to come for Thanksgiving dinner at her home. Then I heard she wasn't even going to be home for that holiday, but she never told me. When I called her, she said her husband objected to her inviting me because he hadn't invited his sister. When I said I was surprised she hadn't let me know her change of plans, she replied, "Nothing was written in stone." Other times, when we had a lunch date, she'ld call the night before to re-schedule because her husband suddenly needed her to do something. It seems to be a control thing with him, where she can't make a move without him making her alter her plans in someway.

I guess I've been avoiding the conclusion that you've recommended because I've wanted to believe that, eventually, this all could be "fixed." I'm always wanting to "fix" things. So maybe I frustrate myself by not letting go and accepting that "It is what it is." There is a lot about her that is really admirable, and I think highly of her on a number of fronts. She's generous, responsible and handles a lot of things with integrity. However, she's told me that, "Given the needs of my immediate family, I don't have a lot of time for extended family." And her husband and children do seem to be awfully needy of her. They seem to continually keep her jumping through hoops they hold up, just to reassure themselves that they can.

I do believe that the stupid annual gift is her way of saying that I honestly do matter to her. But it's hard to feel any joy in getting it. Still, I always write a thank you note as warmly expressed as I can make it. Maybe that encourages her to think her gesture is succeeding. I think I may stop with the effusive "thank you" notes. But that seems mean on my part.

I think you should consider asking your sister why she never calls. Before you carve her out of your life, just check on the reason. She might start calling. She may just feel that it is your job to keep in touch without realizing how you feel about this dynamic.

It really means a lot to me to pick out a gift for someone—it’s an act of caring, and I’m crushed when I get no response. I live for a response. It may be a way she is trying to she caring.

Don’t think all bad thoughts, especially if the thoughts came on suddenly. You would have known a long time ago if this was how she felt.

Yeah, you sound really angry at your sister. It kind of resonates with me because I had similar issues with my sister...not around finances...but it seemed like she was always jealous of me for whatever I had...be it a relationship, or a job, or lifestyle. Whatever. She was status conscious.

When I fell on hard times my sister dropped me off her radar for a decade. Then she got a terminal illness...and suddenly she was back in my life! She just picked up as if those ten years of neglect never happened, and because she was dying, well, she was protected from criticism. It was horrible because so much was unsaid and to me it kind of poisoned the atmosphere. Then she died. Poof. All that subliminal drama...and then...poof. Gone.

The bottom line was I loved her but was also very angry. The most she ever gave me was she said she wasn't very efficient at being honest with her feelings. Which was as good as saying she wasn't going to discuss the past. She knew I was angry. But she simply ignored it.

I do think that status is largely determined by wealth and the wealthy do think that those who are poor or broke "made their bed." Having fallen on hard times I have become socially invisible in my wealthy community.

It sounds like your sister does not want to have a close relationship with you. The reasons may be a multiple mystery. A lot of what my sister did came from basic insecurity that she hid well from most people but I saw it. It made her uncomfortable that I saw her insecurities and, I think, caused her to keep a distance. She had a habit of sending me "recycled" gifts and even told me who gave them to her! She thought all things should be continually recycled. I ended up recycling a lot of her recycled gifts...but not all...because she was an artist so I kept some really cool artistic things.

If you like your sister's gifts keep them and enjoy them. I consider all gifts "booty" and I don't care what the source but then I am pretty unsentimental. If I don't like a gift I immediately recycle it. I'll donate it to a charity shop...whatever. Things are just things. But don't just chuck it in the trash. As someone else may enjoy it.

It is more important to know when one is hurt because maybe one loves others more than one is loved by them. Is that you? Doesn't this get highlighted during the holiday season? If so, hugs!

If you have a life that suits you than I say congratulations. It's way more than I have at present. I have been rich and I have been poor and for me rich is better. It represents security and independence. If you have that then you are basically rich. I am not talking about status...just resources. If all your needs are met, and you are comfortable, then, who has the audacity to criticize that?

In the end it is all dust in the wind. Just love who you want, and forgive them their weaknesses, as we all have them.

Personally I think people know what they are doing when they slight others and hurt others...and for whatever reason...they don't care. That's a big piece of evil I don't want to be a part of, and, I am sure, neither do you.

You may actually love your sister more than she loves you. That's okay even if sad.

I think wealth is a very relative concept. There are people who make 10 times less than me and those who make ten times more. For some I am certainly well off and for some I'd be considered poor.

I don't think there is universal concept of wealth. How much money do you think makes one rich?

I don't think it's fair to judge people for having money. Saying that rich are all selfish or dismissive of others is the same as saying all poor lazy and that's why they are poor. Plus honestly if someone is rich not because of their great talent or hard work but because they married someone rich or inherited wealth, for me their wealth has no special kind of meaning.

Sibling relationships could be tricky though. It's not always 100% fair either and sometimes we just have to accept how it is. I can rely on my brother in times of hardships but if I sat around waiting for his phone calls, we'd probably rarely if ever talk as he just doesn't call. I pick up the phone and call if I want to hear him. It's what it is.

I appreciate the very thoughtful responses above. There's food for thought in them.

People’s attitudes about money can be way out there. I know stories that are incredible. My family has very strange, dysfunctional, traumatic issues with money.

You should probably tell your sister it would mean a lot to you to have a better relationship with her, that she should call you more often and really communicate.

My sister said that to me and now I call her more. We got closer.

Of course it can’t be just about money. There’s something deeper going on there.

It's a good idea to tell siblings how we feel.

My brother and I had a talk about how we would like to be closer (emotionally speaking, we see each other often enough as we live close by). So we periodically try more. Then it dwindles again. My therapist says it's what it is and is common. We are there in time of need and that's probably what counts the most. I agree. Although we both would like more closeness, but it's just how it is. As about money, my brother makes three times more than me (just his choice of career) but I'd never think it has any kind of meaning or makes a difference. We both are terrible with money and are big spenders and aren't good about saving, so it's no matter who has more.

Different values, different assumptions, yes.

I am on income assistance now and poverty stricken. I do feel that people look down on me and they show me disdain. They see a physically able person and assume I should be and am capable of working. I think some cast me an eye of resentment that the taxes they pay are being given to support someone being lazy and unwilling to work. Attempts to educate them falls on deaf ears.

But do they actually say it to you or you assume they look down on you? I make ok money but I don't look down on those who don't and I don't think those richer than me look down on me. Do you have proof that they look down on you? Perhaps you just feel that what happens? And I think you can make good money and still have good values and you can be poor and be a horrible human being. One isn't related to another.

I read online about a study that found that as people's incomes went up they became less generous. I am sorry I cannot name the source. This could be a general sort of thing but the survey determined that those with more challenging lifestyles had more compassion. However, I think divine1966 made a good point...that we must remain vigilant lest we make inaccurate and broad assumptions. Perhaps I have been doing this. However, I never see myself as "living in poverty"...as I came from an upper middle class family, went to good schools, and have advanced degrees. I think that I am just "broke" and that I have gone through periods like this before and have come out the other side. I think this thread has really invited me to think in a more flexible way. I appreciate all the comments.

I've talked to her in the past about how I was disappointed that we were drifting apart. A few years later there was tension in the family over my father leaving a very mean-spirited will. I tried to not get into any squabbles with anyone, but my two sisters got resentful of each other. My father was playing them against each other. I scolded him for that, but I lived so far from them all that I had little influence on what was going on. At that time, this sister who has distanced herself became very defensive and accused everyone of being mean to her. That was kind of laughable because she went along with my father drawing up a will that disinherited my other sister. My father kept changing his mind about which sister he was leaving his house to. What he was doing was very nasty. But the sister who managed to get the house is the one who never calls me. She helped my parents a lot, so I wasn't surprised or disturbed that she inherited the most. But I think she feels defensive about assisting my father in being horribly hurtful to my other sister (he left that sister one dollar.) So she spun this narrative about how she was there caring for my parents and deserved to get most of what was passed down and, besides, everyone was mean to her. No one did anything to her. She was the one enabling my father in nasty behavior, which happened to financially benefit herself. I had already told my father that I didn't care what he did with his house and that peace in the family was more important to me than any amount of money. Well, he did leave me a financial asset of sizesble value, which I was even surprised to get. (My dad and I tended to fall out with each other.) I immediately shared what I got with my sister who got nothing. Eventually, my sister who inherited the house sold it and shared some of the proceeds with my other sister. So that all turned out kind of okay. But when the turmoil was going on, the distant sister said I didn't deserve her friendship. I thought that was just a wild thing to say and just reflected all the emotional turmoil in the family at the time.

I'm very sadly coming to a conclusion that I've avoided coming to for ten years. What this sister did in collaborating with my father was mean to my other sister. And it seemed so out of character for my sister to participate in it. I don't know how in the heck she rationalized it to herself. But she did rationalize it. In order to do that, I think she had to create a belief in her own mind that her siblings had somehow wronged her and she was a victim in some way.

During the height of the family turmoil, she lashed out with crazy statements - orally and in writing. I just let these crazy things go by and did not get into a back and forth with her. My two sisters have more or less reconciled. It seemed we all were back on nice terms with each other. I don't bring up what my sister did. I don't criticize her. But I guess she nurtures the belief that I somehow wronged her. I think she has to believe that to justify how awful she acted ten years ago. So she maintains this coolness. I would never have gone along with my father being so mean to one sister. So I think my distant sister feels some shame deep down inside. A few years ago, she said that I have strong moral principles and would make a good Sunday school teacher. She wasn't being sarcastic. She said it very sincerely when I was talking to her about how I was thinking about taking up some kind of volunteer work at my church.

No offense but your sister sounds narcissistic. Weak people are dangerous people.