Monsters. All of them.

Woman, it has been ten years of family dinners and holidays. Lift an effing hand. For god's sake learn how to peel a potato even. Take your plate to the kitchen; it's not that hard. Learn to say 'no' to your children. Take them in hand. Your behaviour and their behaviour have long ago grown tiring. Little brother... how do you not see this?

I am sick of every damn dinner being ruined by her and her children. It's not fair to the rest of us. Get a grip little brother. Dang it show a little tough love for a change.

[divine1966]

Who is hosting these holidays? You? When I host I don't want people to help out or take their plates anywhere. I want them to relax and not create traffic in the kitchen. Is it common in your house for guests to help out? Or your brother hosting? Poorly behaved children are tough. Could your brother discipline them?

Family dinners are usually celebrated at my parents. Duties tend to be shared by everyone present. Even when my nephews were teenagers and younger they would help out with the dinner each being responsible for preparing a dish. It is a jolly old time amongst the most of us except for the whining and demands of this woman. Get me this get me that. The potatoes better be peeled. Oh? Let me make you second bowl of mashed potatoes then. Meanwhile we are all lovingly entertained by her now teenaged children swearing at her and telling her all throughout the evening what an ugly cow she is and complaining that the food is stupid or that grandpa bought generic pop instead of name brand. And would it kill them to take their plates to the kitchen?

I have tried to get her to help. "Will to take this dish to the table please?" "[brother]!! Put the bowl on the table." "I need someone to chop the carrots, you'll find the knife in that drawer." "Oh I'm too busy drinking my wine - can you pour me more?""I understand you like your potatoes peeled, here I saved you a few, the peeler is right there......"

Arrrrrrrrrrgh!

My brother has got to step up to the plate and establish some expectations. Get a back bone.

[TishaBuv]

The kids call their mother a cow right in front of everyone and nobody says anything?

I recently saw my cousin and her two little boys. They were snarky, little brats. If they stayed any longer, I would have let them have it.

I feel ya. That’s what booze is for...

[divine1966]

Looks the issue is deeper than not helping out. Kids call their mother ugly cow at a dinner table???? What does everyone do when they mistreat their mother?? What does their dad say to this? Why isn't he stopping them?

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Monsters. All of them.

Woman, it has been ten years of family dinners and holidays. Lift an effing hand. For god's sake learn how to peel a potato even. Take your plate to the kitchen; it's not that hard. Learn to say 'no' to your children. Take them in hand. Your behaviour and their behaviour have long ago grown tiring. Little brother... how do you not see this?

I am sick of every damn dinner being ruined by her and her children. It's not fair to the rest of us. Get a grip little brother. Dang it show a little tough love for a change.

Could you have a meeting with your family before Thanksgiving and say we’re going to have some changes this year (including the cow comment)? Any chance of that working? Good luck

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Could you have a meeting with your family before Thanksgiving and say we’re going to have some changes this year (including the cow comment)? Any chance of that working? Good luck

Yes. Good luck. And great suggestion. I have thought of this before and been too scared to bring it up with my brother. He has helped me in the past and I am afraid to impact such help in the future (ie. he and his sons have volunteered to be my moving crew end of the month). But your are right. This needs to be addressed. There are I see now two separate issues. One, her infuriating laziness. The other, her and my brother's - refusal to address the behaviour of the girls.

I am firm believer in that we are parents not friends. I am also a firm believer in discipline and accountability. Such behaviour on the part of these teenagers does not fly with me and I have on occasion voiced my displeasure. They DO in fact call their mother an ugly fat cow at the dinner table. The latest is to tell us all as we are eating that the ring my brother gave their mother is stupid, ugly, far too small, and cheap. Their mother they say should be embarrassed to go anywhere.

At no point has mom or stepdad ever said anything. I have spoken up about what is appropriate and inappropriate dinner conversation. I have spoken up about them punching their mother in front of us all (yes, they smack and slap her too then laugh hysterically). But unless I am backed up by the parents what I say is laughed at and useless. Everyone else stays shocked and silent willing this show to end.

There have been occasions I just don't have the energy or wish to go through the crap show and have stayed home. I grow resentful for how dare they put me in such a situation of having to choose.

Now as, for my SIL's laziness. I will continue to try and find things and make the suggestion she help. Perhaps one time it will stick.

[Shazerac]

I don't know...a woman who is told she's fat and worthless. A woman who is being verbally and physically abused in front of others is probably not "lazy." She is probably suffering from depression nd low self esteem. I am amazed that she can function at all.

Instead of trying to get her to help you...I think you need to help HER. You said you don't want to confront your brother because he helps you. So you just stand by and watch this happen? What's up with that?

It sounds like a very dysfunctional family dynamic. You can't tell your brother and his wife how to parent his children. HOWEVER, you have every right to say what does or does not happen in your home or presence. If they start up abuse tell them to either stop it immediately or get the hell out! If your not in your home then you leave.

Have tried confronting your brother about his abuse of his wife and allowing the abuse by his children? If it was my my brother I would sure as hell get in his face about that.

But that's just me. I have no problem whatsoever with confronting an abuser in any given situation. I take no prisoners. I've physically removed family members from my home and my mother's home on numerous occasions.

[Erebos]

Is she the sort to leap ferociously to her children's defence if anyone other than her reprimand them?

[Erebos]

One thing I have learned is we never know what happens once the doors are closed.
I would be concerned for anyone who was subjected to that kind of verbal abuse, day in day out.
I would also ask what's the partner doing to rein things in.
These are his children too yes?

[~Christina]

I would have a chat. If things dont seem like they will change much then honestly I would just not cook a feast and have everyone over.

If my child ever called me a cow ... trust me that would be the first and only time that ever happened.

I feel for you , you are really in a big mess to be honest.

I hope somehow you will enjoy the holiday

[divine1966]

They smack and slap their mother in addition to calling her names, all while her husband allows it and concern is that she isn't peeling potatoes or not taking her plate to the kitchen? I don't know if she is lazy or not but she is being abused. If that's how she is abused in front of you all, I can only imagine how badly she is treated at home. Who cares about her not helping in the kitchen when she is clearly needs help dealing whth abusive family?

I don't believe these are separate issues. Her lack of desire to help out is likely directly related to abuse and everyone's tolerance of abuse.

[Trippin2.0]

Is SIL entertaining this disrespect acting like her kids are her buddies, or is she an innocent victim of their bad behaviour?

(The former is how I read your OP but the replies have me confused and now I'm wondering if its the latter)

[healingme4me]

What a toxic place setting, so to speak. It's a culmination of things, for myself reading this. For starters I'd not dream of entering a family holiday home and not pitch in in some way. I mean, when in Rome...
She doesn't snap back at those sons of hers? Not physically, but no "look"? No snarky retort? Then there's the wine...
Sounds like your brother is a stepdad? What role does her ex, I presume, play in this atrocious amount of disrespect?

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by divine1966

They smack and slap their mother in addition to calling her names, all while her husband allows it and concern is that she isn't peeling potatoes or not taking her plate to the kitchen? I don't know if she is lazy or not but she is being abused. If that's how she is abused in front of you all, I can only imagine how badly she is treated at home. Who cares about her not helping in the kitchen when she is clearly needs help dealing whth abusive family?

I don't believe these are separate issues. Her lack of desire to help out is likely directly related to abuse and everyone's tolerance of abuse.

I agree with Divine. It sounds like she is being severely abused and your brother is either actively participating or at least complicit by doing nothing to stop it. It sounds like she needs help, not criticism. Not carrying plates to the sink seems very minor compared to being slapped and called vile names. Is there anything you could do to help her, like talk to your brother about the abuse? Whether he helps you move seems trivial in comparison to the much larger issues at hand. Being treated that way breaks someone's spirit. She can't possibly be "herself" under those circumstances.

Abuse and Depression. Thanks to those of you that pointed this out. You are absolutely right at the suggestion she needs help. You are correct. Perhaps I ought to have been showing empathy instead of reacting with disgust and resentment. She is battered. And yes, the thought that if this is how her daughters behave in public then how must they do so in private has occurred to me. I guess I have been too incredulous to be a friend.

We are having another large family dinner before my move planned at some point in the next two weeks. It occurs to me now to be more gracious. Though I admit that moving is a pleasant though in that the girls won't be such a problem for me any more.