[harderthanlife]

I am 38 and met an 23 years old lady who was an escort at an agency earlier this year. We had a good connection she said, and exchanged numbers and we continued to meet after that with money involved. Over time we became closer and said she liked me. Then she ends up telling me she is living with 41 year old lawyer (says she likes older guys).

I always controlled myself and just enjoyed myself with her, I found her attractive but liked her as a person as well. Everything was ok like this for a few months....but something happened last month. the dude she was living with apparently abandoned her after an argument or something, and she came crying to me for help. I of course was there for her.

We hung out a lot during that time and went on dates with no money involved. we got close and I fell in love but never really said anything (I already really liked her, this put it over the top)...
is it my fault she reached out to me when this guy she was with ditched her? I am a good guy so I helped her...she showed me signs that she was telling the truth, she asked me out to dinner with her and we would walk together glue to each others sides like we were together, she did not want any money. She said I was special to her and that I meant alot to her and that she saw me as a great guy. I fell for all of it, I got attached and I wanted to be with her after this...then she took it all away just like that when this guy walks back in her life and gets a second chance with her, even though he sounds like a manipulative prick...why do they always get a second/third chance? and to top it off a few days ago she even had to tell me that she was getting strong feelings for him again because apparently he has "changed" and getting better with therapy and its all for her....how frustrating to hear this when i know its all ********.
over the week she told me her whole story with this guy how he is a bit off edge and non committal and stuff....

Thing is, over a week later after he left her I get a text telling me her guy moved back in and they went to therapy to resolve their differences and all is good. Ever since then she went back to herself and we would still meet (with money) but I would be miserable because I have feelings for her now but clearly she doesn't care... she would tell me all her problems with this guy she was having and how he was on sleep meds and other stuff and that he was being aggressive towards her and anxious and a bit controlling, she is very vague when talking about his behaviour. She would always blame it on the meds he was taking, or the stress of his job, or any excuse actually. I could tell also that she is a bit off edge and she told me she sees a therapist and had suicidal stuff when she was younger...her texts and actions towards me are so volatile...sometimes seems super happy towards me sometimes not...during the week she was with me she made it feel like we were together...and then after she turns cold and distant like I am nothing...its the most frustrating thing in the world...

last week we met and talked and told me she wanted to get serious with this guy now again because he went to do therapy to try and fix these issues and he got off the meds, and she sees him trying and getting better, and that now she has feelings for him again and wants to start dating him again. My heart just collapsed hearing all this, I really love her and I know I could make her happy more than this guy...and I know this guy eventually is going to go back to being his old self again, they always do, why do they always get second chances??

and she asked me, if I wanted, I could stop seeing her it would be fine with her...but we can just be friends after...when I heard this I just couldnt take it anymore...

I can't stop thinking about her, and I always wish how great it would be to be this other guy because he gets to be with her all the time. I always think I will never be able to find another girl like this that makes me this happy...I always think if I hang in there this guy is probably going to screw up again, and she would come back to me...like last time...but I don't know what I am doing anymore...I am so depressed, I don't care about anything anymore...sometimes I just don't even feel like going on with life...I need help, I don't know what to do, my head feels like it is going to explode.