[xRavenx]

Just venting and would like a little input....

I recently reconnected with a friend. She is a good person, but she changed in some ways. She talks about all her achievements and all she does at her job and how successful she is. While I am happy for her, it seems to be over and over again and not in a particularly humble way. I like hearing about the accomplishments of others, but this friend took it to a different level.

She went as far as dissing where I work and saying she's heard bad things about the people and everything else. We are both in the same field. I told her a few times that I like the people and the environment. I had to repeat this more than once, when she pointed out again how her place is "better." I tried to give her cues in the conversation, but I don't think it worked. It seemed that she could not help herself with having to boast.

I know that she has been through a lot in the past, so I don't want to put her down or make her feel worse about herself, but it didn't make me feel too good when she compared where I work to what she is doing more than once in the conversation. I understand she was probably seeking some validation, but it gets old. I have been through a lot too, but I don't boast, repeat my achievements, and last of all...compare my success and what I do in my career, by making it sound like I have it better.

She even asked me what my salary was, prior to her revealing her own success!! I shouldn't have. She bragged about how although we are making around the same thing, she is getting a big raise and how her place is better. I shouldn't have even answered the question, since it was inappropriate in this context.

Do you have any friends, who brag a lot and downplay your own achievements or make theirs sound better? I had another friend like this, who was even worse. I am wondering how to handle this.

[Crazy Hitch]

Phew she's a handful! Talk about being humble ... or not.

I really don't know why she feels the need to go on like that.

She sounds insecure and has probably been ridiculed somewhere along the line in her life - I don't really know why else she would need to make a point over and over about her success

[Sunflower123]

She seems to be insecure or she wouldn’t have to keep bragging. Can you live with it and still be friends or do you need to distance yourself?

my friend laura used to do this.

she had a great life at colledge and it's all she ever bragged about.

I don't know where she went from their, we lost contact after a religious debate, but she constantly talked about getting the best job with the best wages

I miss her, was quite good with my bipolar..

[Shazerac]

I agree with the others that she sounds insecure. This may be one of those times where you have to be brutally honest and tell her point blank "I don't like it that you are dissing my job, salary (whatever) please stop doing that."'if she persists, stop her cold and tell her that you are not going to talk about that stuff. There are plenty of other things to talk about.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

I agree with the others that she sounds insecure. This may be one of those times where you have to be brutally honest and tell her point blank "I don't like it that you are dissing my job, salary (whatever) please stop doing that."'if she persists, stop her cold and tell her that you are not going to talk about that stuff. There are plenty of other things to talk about.

Yes, I think it might come to that. I would like to think that people know better. It kind of caught be off guard. I hope she learns to be more secure with herself, but she'll have to realize when she is crossing the line.

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

Yes, I think it might come to that. I would like to think that people know better. It kind of caught be off guard. I hope she learns to be more secure with herself, but she'll have to realize when she is crossing the line.

I think that if you are true friends ...she should be able to handle that. Even among the best of friends there are touchy subjects and and things we don't discuss. I have some friends where we absolutely do NOT discuss politics because we vehemently disagree. There's just no point in going there.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

I think that if you are true friends ...she should be able to handle that. Even among the best of friends there are touchy subjects and and things we don't discuss. I have some friends where we absolutely do NOT discuss politics because we vehemently disagree. There's just no point in going there.

I thought about it....I was kind of weird she only reached out when she wanted something: for me to help her make connections concerning our line of work. Kind of ironic she goes and criticizes my work place, then asks me for a favor for her own personal gain. It is what it is, but it is making me think twice about going out with her. After all, it was the first time she contacted me in a few years, although she gave different excuses why. I get we are all busy, but it was a little suspicious. I am tired of a lot of people only reaching out when they want something out of me. I've been burned a few times badly from being used.

[SMRY]

To reiterate previous posters, yes she is quite insecure. That’s why she rambles on this way. I’ve known a plethora of these types throughout my life. I found that talking to them about their constant bragging is useless. It only feeds their voracious need for attention and validation. Pathetic, they are, with their constant need to be stroked.

What I found works is not feeding them (sort of like you do with online trolls!). When these insecure narcissists start yammering on, just say uh huh and change the subject. Don’t get angry or argue - it only inflames the situation. Whatever she starts dissing (your job or whatever), DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT!

Finally, ask yourself, do I really want this annoying person in my life?

And for anyone who works with one of these motormouths, of course escaping them is not so easy. I worked with one of these types for years. He annoyed everyone. He never got the message in his swelled head to STFU. Best I could do is keep my distance and try not to LOL when the boss got tired of it and let him have it!

[SMRY]

Also, forgot to add she sounds a bit like a sociopath. No regard for anyone but herself.

[Bill3]

I am tired of a lot of people only reaching out when they want something out of me. I've been burned a few times badly from being used.

It sounds like your "being used" radar is sounding off. How do you typically respond to that radar?

(((((xRavenx)))))

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by SMRY

To reiterate previous posters, yes she is quite insecure. That’s why she rambles on this way. I’ve known a plethora of these types throughout my life. I found that talking to them about their constant bragging is useless. It only feeds their voracious need for attention and validation. Pathetic, they are, with their constant need to be stroked.

What I found works is not feeding them (sort of like you do with online trolls!). When these insecure narcissists start yammering on, just say uh huh and change the subject. Don’t get angry or argue - it only inflames the situation. Whatever she starts dissing (your job or whatever), DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT!

Finally, ask yourself, do I really want this annoying person in my life?

And for anyone who works with one of these motormouths, of course escaping them is not so easy. I worked with one of these types for years. He annoyed everyone. He never got the message in his swelled head to STFU. Best I could do is keep my distance and try not to LOL when the boss got tired of it and let him have it!

Thank you! The ironic part is, she called my boss to see if she can get some internship hours at my place, while she works at her place. Strange to dis a job, insult me, then look to work where I'm at. Plus, the fact she hasn't talked to me in a long time....it was just when she needed me, although she said she's been "so busy."

Now, I kind of hope she doesn't intern at my place. I agree, people like this are so annoying and frustrating. Plus, lately I've been triggered by people who seem to only want a piece of me, whether to get ahead at their job or to dump everything on emotionally....or they act like their problems are "so much worse than mine" and sometimes blatantly make references to that, although they have no clue what I struggle with.

I just happen to be more private about things with them and not attention-seeking. I am not saying I'm perfect, but just ranting about how I'm fed up and sick of being drained and taken advantage of, insulted, and not heard.

[FallDuskTrain]

Is she in her mid and or late 20s and this is the first job she is shining at? If so, while it is annoying and pretty arrogant what she is doing, unfortunately it is expected. I have seen this scenario many times. Again, it is not fair of me to generalize such a behavior and I apologize if I am mistaken.
You can talk to her but I am not sure if she is mature enough to accept your perspective

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Bill3

It sounds like your "being used" radar is sounding off. How do you typically respond to that radar?

(((((xRavenx)))))

I was just writing about that right before I read this post from you. LOL. I try to sometimes redirect the conversation when they go on and on about themselves. Some then turn the tables and say I'm making the conversation about me, even if I listened to them tell me the same sob story 1000 times. I hate to sound insensitive, but I am being driven to feel this way.

Plus, I got out of a relationship, where the person ended up being more and more of a user. He even tried to manipulate me for money. I don't even have much money! Everything is piling on, and people are coming out of the woodwork. I admit I could have tighter boundaries, but then I feel I'll be left with no one and try to give people the benefit of the doubt. One good thing though: I'm starting to really cut people off completely. Some people who have these qualities have redeeming qualities and later apologize for certain things, but others are just completely narcissistic to a point where it's really hurtful. I need to meet people who aren't so toxic, but it's hard.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain

Is she in her mid and or late 20s and this is the first job she is shining at? If so, while it is annoying and pretty arrogant what she is doing, unfortunately it is expected. I have seen this scenario many times. Again, it is not fair of me to generalize such a behavior and I apologize if I am mistaken.
You can talk to her but I am not sure if she is mature enough to accept your perspective

She's 46!! Change of career though. I guess her maturity level is a decade or two lower than that.

[FallDuskTrain]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

She's 46!! Change of career though. I guess her maturity level is a decade or two lower than that.

That is unfortunate. May be she is making up for lost time or lack of marriage /love, other loses or replacing failures in other aspects of her life with this success? While her behavior is immature, she might be suffering in other aspects of her life that we know nothing about.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain

That is unfortunate. May be she is making up for lost time or lack of marriage /love, other loses or replacing failures in other aspects of her life with this success? While her behavior is immature, she might be suffering in other aspects of her life that we know nothing about.

That's true. I think it would have bothered me less, if she didn't come off as if she's trying to build herself up, just to make me feel put down. However, I feel for her, if she's reacting out of a place of pain or past failure. She probably is.
Sometimes I have a difficult time understanding this, because my reaction to past failure has been different than this type of reaction. That being said, I'm not her, and I know I'll never truly know what it's like to be her.

Usually, I don't take things so personally. I guess I've just been hit with a lot of similar situations involving people lately, so my tolerance level is lower than normal. Thanks for letting me vent everyone.

[FallDuskTrain]

Originally Posted by xRavenx

That's true. I think it would have bothered me less, if she didn't come off as if she's trying to build herself up, just to make me feel put down. However, I feel for her, if she's reacting out of a place of pain or past failure. She probably is.
Sometimes I have a difficult time understanding this, because my reaction to past failure has been different than this type of reaction. That being said, I'm not her, and I know I'll never truly know what it's like to be her.

Usually, I don't take things so personally. I guess I've just been hit with a lot of similar situations involving people lately, so my tolerance level is lower than normal. Thanks for letting me vent everyone.

I used to be so understanding to people’s reasons behind their bullying, putting me down, etc just so that they could get it out of their system. I would only focus on their reasons but not their behavior, which was of course a mistake. I started putting my boundaries and eliminated those people from my life.
While I still try my best to understand and emphasize, I no longer tolerate their behavior. They are two different things. Understanding doesn’t hurt me but tolerating without boundaries do hurt me.

[s4ndm4n2006]

She doesn't, honestly, sound like a friend. Friends don't lord their own achievements and success over their friends and belittle them. That's the opposite of acceptance and respect that is so needed in a real friendship.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain

I used to be so understanding to people’s reasons behind their bullying, putting me down, etc just so that they could get it out of their system. I would only focus on their reasons but not their behavior, which was of course a mistake. I started putting my boundaries and eliminated those people from my life.
While I still try my best to understand and emphasize, I no longer tolerate their behavior. They are two different things. Understanding doesn’t hurt me but tolerating without boundaries do hurt me.

Very good point....I do need to stop justifying the actions of certain people, or history continues to repeat itself, and I shouldn't allow it. I have a tendency to be a people pleaser and go out of my way to help people who are having a problem, but maybe I have to take a step back.

[Sarmas]

I would try to keep a distance from her. People like that usuall have a low self esteem and are very insecure. They need an audience and like to be applauded for their accomplishments. That’s all great but it does get to be a bit much when you’re the one receiving it. I know for me it’s tough to be straightforward and tell them that they’re a bit over the top. I don’t see how engaging in a conversation with her is positive for you. However you decide to go about this Just know that the real issue comes from her insecurities and self esteem. These type of people tend to boost themselves up and put others down. I have a friend who does that and I keep a distance. My conversations are very short and quick. We go to the same gym so I just say my hellos really fast and place my earbuds in.

I know a few people like this. I usually try distance myself from people that are like that and try not give it energy. I don’t want label anyone but the ones that I come across are the ones can’t be happy for others but their own success..like it’s some competition. Usually people like this want a reaction or some type of validation like others mentioned. If she’s a close friend try to talk to her about it. She probably might not realize she’s doing it. If that doesn’t go well re-evaluate your friendship and see if it’s worth keeping. Honestly you do you. If your job makes you happy that all that matter.

From everything that you've written about how she's treated you and her bizarre actions calling your employer for an internship, my alarm bells are going off. She's just using you, sorry to say. She's 46 and there's no excuse for treating you as she has. Maybe if she were 12. But she's middle aged.

She clearly wants you to be her ego booster until she gets what she wants from you. She sounds like an emotional vampire aka a narcissist. Avoid her like the plague if you can. She doesn't seem like a genuine friend at all.