[graystreet]

I don't feel that I am normal when it comes to relationships.

Before people tell me that I should try online dating, or "getting out there," I've done all of the online dating sites. I've made profiles, gone on dates, gone to meetup groups. I'm starting to age out of those sites, sort of, but I also don't feel that I fit in with my age cohort (I am in my late 30s) which also makes it difficult to date.

I met a guy last Christmas (I don't have family, so don't do anything on Christmas) over OkCupid; I was on there just because I was bored. He messaged me and we hit it off. We were friends until very recently, when I had to end the friendship (long story). The problem was that he is agoraphobic, and for a myriad of other reasons that he would agree with, we were incompatible as a dating couple. Or as friends, apparently. But he was a very kind person. And that is pretty much the only person I've met in the last 8 years who has been consistently kind, who hasn't played weird games with me, blah blah.

I have a lot of difficulty beliviing in myself when it ocmes to appearange. I am reasonably attractive, but I'm a bigger girl. I don't think I have a very good sense of what I actually look like, so I might think I'm fatter than other people perceive me...but I think I'm pretty big. Medications (that I no longer take) have made me gain in a short amount of time. It is to the point that I'm embarrassed to try and date. Like, what is this fat, older chick doing out on the market? Who does she think she is? Not to mention I'm realizing that I'm pretty socially awkward, not interested in "popular" things.

Anyone else feel similarly?

[Crazy Hitch]

Hey gray, don't give up on finding relationships!

There are alllll sorts out there. There's no right or wrong age, body type, personality etc to be dating or looking for relationships.

Fair or not, as someone whose weight has gone up and down my entire life. (I gain when I am bored/depressed then lose it when I am feeling better.) I have experienced a strong correlation between being in shape (not overweight) and the amount of male attention I receive. But I do not recommend losing weight or exercising pimarily for that reason. Women can safely carry some extra weight (if you are overweight--not obese per what your doctor tells you) if it is the "healthier" kind. The unhealthy kind is when you carry much of the weight around your waist. It will pay big dividends concerning your quality of life as you age (our muscles become weak, balance and flexibility worses in our 40s and beyond) if you get or stay in shape when you are younger.
So if your weight isn't at a healthy place, I recommend putting your energy into working on that and it might making dating less awkward too....

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

Fair or not, as someone whose weight has gone up and down my entire life. (I gain when I am bored/depressed then lose it when I am feeling better.) I have experienced a strong correlation between being in shape (not overweight) and the amount of male attention I receive. But I do not recommend losing weight or exercising pimarily for that reason. Women can safely carry some extra weight (if you are overweight--not obese per what your doctor tells you) if it is the "healthier" kind. The unhealthy kind is when you carry much of the weight around your waist. It will pay big dividends concerning your quality of life as you age (our muscles become weak, balance and flexibility worses in our 40s and beyond) if you get or stay in shape when you are younger.
So if your weight isn't at a healthy place, I recommend putting your energy into working on that and it might making dating less awkward too....

I have actually put a lot of effort into losing weight. It doesn’t go anywhere.

My body issues are a huge reason why I don’t date anymore. I am totally ashamed of how I look. As a teenager, I had an eating disorder.

And yes, it’s the unhealthy kind. It’s been there since I used to run everyday (can’t run anymore because of an injury). Guess I’m screwed.

Originally Posted by graystreet

I have actually put a lot of effort into losing weight. It doesn’t go anywhere.

My body issues are a huge reason why I don’t date anymore. I am totally ashamed of how I look. As a teenager, I had an eating disorder.

And yes, it’s the unhealthy kind. It’s been there since I used to run everyday (can’t run anymore because of an injury). Guess I’m screwed.

I recommend not focussing that much on losing weight (try not to binge but eat when you are hungry). Rather cut way back on sugar and processed foods like cookies. I stopped running 10 years ago. I just walk now. Walking does make a big difference--not just physically, but mentally.

Possible trigger:

And before my last attempt that fractured so many ribs/ effected my upper body strength--I did yoga regularly.

Maybe you aren't scewed--maybe you just need to change tactics. Hang in there. Keep trying. A relationship could happen when you least expect it.....

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

Maybe you aren't scewed--maybe you just need to change tactics. Hang in there. Keep trying. A relationship could happen when you least expect it.....

People have been telling me that for 10 years. Thank you for the response though.

[Sunflower123]

I’m sorry you haven’t had much luck in the dating scene. Like Crazy Hitch says...there are all types looking for and in relationships. Although people have been saying when you least expect it for ten years, never say never. Best wishes in the dating and relationship scene.

[s4ndm4n2006]

don't over-focus on your appearance in order to find someone that will date you. Although I would never tell someone to just be satisfied with their bodies if they are an unhealthy weight, I do find that many - ofc, mostly women - focus on this aspect so much that it hinders them. I understand that the world and media tends to feed into the dissatisfaction so I know it's not easy to change this but truly for everyone, I think focusing on improving self, like confidence and esteem will go much further in finding compatible mates than temporarily changing something about yourself that will inevitably never be something that will stay the same. Even if you lose the weight you may or may not need to, you'll get older, your appearance will change and no one is the same pristine, young thing that they were 20 yrs previous.

Focus too much on appearance and you'll get what you bargained for with that, a mate that sees you as you are but if, or should I say when, your appearance changes over time, they will be dissatisfied. Look for decent guys that care about you and your values, personality, etc as much as they find you attractive.

I know it's hard to believe but there are many types of men, many of which appreciate women that are full figured.

Don't stop working on being healthy, I don't mean to sound like that's what I'm saying but only in order to be healthy, not to find a mate!

[MickeyCheeky]

I also think it's a matter of confidence in ourselves so perhaps you should try to work on that. Or maybe you already are.

[graystreet]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I also think it's a matter of confidence in ourselves so perhaps you should try to work on that. Or maybe you already are.

I sometimes think I have confidence, but I realize that I'm not sure what that looks like.

I went out for a 2 mile power walk today...that felt pretty good!