A certain post from someone rang with me, and I don't want to put them or anyone on the spot, so this is a general question to anyone that might want to reply. But please don't say anything that you don't feel comfortable with.

But recognizing my own limitations, just a general question cause I am curious... living in a society where people are generally in a relationship where love is a primary factor, could you be in a relationship where there is no love, but choose to be together for the sake of companionship, and both make a choice to stay committed to each other? I'm talking about just choosing to commit regardless.

My adopted dad and I had this very conversation once, (and I DO understand, I am not oblivious to the needs that most people have, I am just unable to reciprocate) and he said that people choose to be together first because they love each other, and then make the choice to commit to each other.

Time and again, I read and hear about people who feel unfulfilled and unloved in relationships, and ultimately make the choice to part due to their unhappiness and unfulfillment.

Recognizing in myself that I am unable to give even those basic needs, I think that while I would stay committed, I think any partner would feel emotionally neglected and unfulfilled in a relationship with me.

So my question really is, (and it's open-ended), do you think both partners would equally have to be the same, or could anyone really tolerate a relationship like that over the long term? Cause everything I read and hear says the answer is no. Such relationships make a person feel unloved, unwanted, neglected and they eventually begin to feel angry toward their partner for not fulfilling their needs, and ultimately decide to leave.

Any thoughts anyone wants to share? I'm just interested in an open-ended discussion on this topic, if anybody wants to chime in.

Hmmm... that's an interesting question. I personally could not be in a committed relationship that lacked true love..... I would crave the love and affection...... it would feel like something huge is missing and the relationship would feel empty and unfulfilling as you pointed out..... that being said, I think it's possible that two people who feel the same way about love can commit to one another and have companionship if both are willing to forego love. I've never heard of such a thing in real life, but I think it's possible to achieve. At least in concept.

[All Is Revealed]

Nope. I could never be in a committed but unloving relationship. I would rather be single. Since I love myself deeply, I don't require love from someone else. If I'm in a relationship, it is only because they can "add" love to my life.

I've been in relationships where I found out the other person didn't love me. That relationship only lasted 6 weeks.

Instead of being in an unloving relationship with someone else, I would rather focus on the relationship I have with myself.

[PinkyDoo]

This is an interesting question.

I read an article not too long ago about this very thing. It was more or less about how marriage in past generations (grandparents, great grandparents) were less about love. Couples committed to each other, but were not necessarily in love. Yet at the end of the day, they were happy. Women turned to other women for emotional support, and men were just men. They relied less on each other for some things, and more on each other for other things. Marriages today don't last like they did because we prioritize love.

I also read an article about how some people are choosing a partner based on what "stock" they come from- genetics. Then they commit to raising children together in more of a contract than a love-based marriage.

Really interesting.

I can't imagine not marrying for love. However, I think I could be in a loveless marriage if it was good. If the man were solid, committed, kind man who I genuinely like and respect, and who genuinely liked and respected me. From where I sit, right now, where i feel like I am missing the part about "like and respect", it sounds like a pretty good arrangement. To just be content and comfortable without unrealistic expectations would be wonderful.

But things change and people change, and people start longing for something more.... can it work? I don't know.

Here is the article from Psychology Today, the first one I mentioned about marriage today vs back then. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...ntial-marriage

For me I could not. My husband was my best friend for years before we even started dating. I loved him very much and that's a big reason I married him. If we stopped loving each other we would go our seperate ways. I think a relationship like you are describing could work, just not for me.

[eskielover]

I was career minded. My focus was on my degree & a computer engineering degree. I looked at a husband more as being a partner. I had dated tons in college but never anyone that i really felt anything for.

Met this guy in one of my computer classes & he was NICE. So we spent some time together, then more time & started doing everything together. He had never dated much before. I liked him....wouldnt ever call it love. Initially it seemed we were compatible. Both aiming for the same career, loved the outdoors & backpacking, skiing....so we had similar interests.

A few things bothered me about him....mostly his attitudes, & work ethic but thought I shouldnt be so critical. We actually talked about marrage. My parents liked him & i got along with his family. He was graduating, I still had a few years left because I had changed majors (huge change) when I was a junior.

So we both initially thought marriage would work. I wasnt massivly attracted to him but I had never been massivly attracted to anyone I dated & I definitely didnt see that in my parents marriage. I couldnt figure out why in the world my mom married my dad until she finally said he was the only guy that ever paid attention to her & he was 8 years older & had never dated either. Looking back from now I understand the picture I really didnt get ubtil just a few years ago when lightbulbs fi ally came on about both marriage relationships.

So we decided to get married rigjt after he graduated. Looking back I think my desire was to get out of the house with my parents. I was working & going to college but work paid for college, not an apartment of my own & life at home was not that plesant. My parents were inconsiderate but it was their home so it was their right.

However right before the wedding, I saw some red flags that made me want to call it off...but my mom tried to talk me out of stopping the wedding & I rationalized away my thinking I remember it was something like "he is educated & has a high IQ, he cant be anything like my dad"

So I went ahead with the wedding but respect for him had already dropped by a ton. I had the desire to be very independent & be who I was by whst I did not what I married into. So before the wedding I dumped ALL my demands & expectations on him....I think i was hoping he would choose to bale out but he AGREED WITH EVERYTHING so I thought it might work.

The marriage was nothing but fighting from the beginning & he was just as inconsiderate as my parents of my needs but because I had already lost a ton of respect for him, it just kept dropping with his behavior rather that getting any gain. We ended up having our daughter before I graduated which created an even larger divide in the marriage along with so many of his other behaviors. But again, thought I was being too critical so I tried to tolerate him.....(looking back..note to self: if you are JUST TOLERATING someone there is a problem).

I graduated, I hid away from him in my career....we came together for planned vacations & long weekends of backpacking into the Sierra's then started doing our family ski vacation to Jackson Hole. We got along mostly on vacations without fighting because tbere wetent the everyday issues to deal with. They got left at home.

Yep, he was right, a 2 computer engineer family could afford way more than one especially if you didnt mind getting into debt over your head because you knew you had a good inclme coming in to keep paying for it. So the nice sports cars, the vacation condo in Wyo, nice home to live in, private school for our daughter....nice life lookibg at it from outside the walls.

His attitude toward debt was always a sore subject too but I went along for awhile because I had NOTHING growing up. So I stayed. When we wanted to move & couldnt qualify for a loan on our income, I went on the clean up debt path. That was a huge fight but I didnt want to live in a HOA community any longer after being treasurer for several years I knew exactly where the monthly dues were going.

Finally got the new home farther away from the city. We still constantly battled about mostly financial issues & his attitudes when we were around each other....then aerospace died, my career crashed & he had been laid off. I had a breakdown & he ended up having to become totally responsible for everything he didnt have the ability to do. We ended up being stuck in the separated in the same house because the house value hadnt gone up enough to cover new debt with the new house & definitely not enough to cover the expense of a divorce which I was wanting desperately at that point. I felt trapped in exactly the way I never wanted. Lots of crap happened those last 13 years we lived together but it all came together in my endless attempts of suicide thinking it was my only way out....gladly nothing was successful.

The irony of the whole situstion was that after my mom died, I inherited everything & my daughter got some....but selling her house gave me the money to escape & I moved 2100 miles away.

Unfortunately I was still having tohave a connection to him though there was absolutely NO
Communication from him....not that there ever was during the marriage either. IRS back taxes on a mistake he made on my inheritance filing while I was dealing with PTSD issues relating tothe home care trauma I went through when my mom was dying. I couldnt deal with myself & fight him to take the taces to a CPA that year. He was ALWAYS a KNOW-IT-ALL who failed at knowing & always created a bigger mess to deal with. Not only the IRS but the house value dropped lower & was upside down until just lately when he let the house go into foreclosure for the 2nd time. There is now value to push through a sale & the divorce & finally cut ALL strings that attached us.

Yes, after being gone 10 years now I can look back & see just how pathetic the marriage was. I also found out when I finally left that he wanted tovget married because that was ehat everyone else was doing & thats what you are suppised tovdo when you graduate from college if you are dating someone (huh?) Also found out he agreed with everything I put up trying to get him to back iut of the marriage BECAUSE he was sure I would change how I felt (no way was I changing though I compromised having 1 child when I wanted none). I alsovfound out why he gave me so much greif about getting a divorce....he told me he didnt want a divorce "because it wiuld mske him look like a looser" ...say what? Ya think having left him & never returned for 10 years doesnt say the same thing. I think his statement that really blew me away was "I thought if you tolerated me for all these years [33] that you would tolerate me for the rest of our lives".( not when i finally had a way to escape & start life over)

Sometimes we just stay in a marriage because we get other things out of it & when we have had a dysfunctional marriage as an example (that we didnt realize was dysfunctional at the time but thought was NORMAL) it really diesnt look differentbfrom what we experienced growing up (except I was a fighter & my mom wasn't)

Knowing some of the thinking behind the behaviors has helped me put some of the pieces together about how in the world I could have ended up in a marriage like that & why I stayed until I did.

Life & marriage isnt always JUST about love...but I sure know now that if RESPECT doesnt exist, LOVE will never grow.

Thank you all for your replies!

First, thanks PinkyDoo for helping to fill in the blanks for me, cause that is basically what I was driving at - that with a lack of love and the emotional side of things, if there was mutual respect and kindness, if a relationship like that could really survive.

I was thinking all day of a reply, but now that's pretty much gone out the window. But that was pretty much what I was trying to allude to.

eskielover; thank you very much for your detailed reply. I can't imagine what that must have been like, except as I was reading, what really pulled at me was the feeling of being trapped in that marriage.

I got married for all the wrong reasons. And while I'd like to keep most of it private cause of internet privacy reasons - as I posted about before, I married my wife cause I got tired of being alone. I had already waited nearly 12 years since my last serious relationship, and was in my early 30's by this point. I knew it was a big mistake, but I thought it was something that I could learn and grow to love her.

In hindsight, having been diagnosed with several disorders since then and for the first time really looking inside myself, I see that loving her or anyone would never have been possible.

And I have pondered if a relationship without love could even be possible. Just more on the basis of mutual companionship.

Again, thank you everyone for your replies and insight. I appreciate it.

Edit: and I'd just like to say too, that I relate to those feelings of being trapped, cause I am afraid of (and have always felt this way in past relationships) feeling smothered and engulfed. My wife had a lot of emotional problems, but she had such emotional needs that I couldn't have filled.

I need too much personal space and alone time to keep from feeling that way. So, I was just pondering this whole thing.

Again, thanks everyone for your thoughts on this.

[eskielover]

I do think that respect & trust is the foundatikn for everything & LOVE can't grow if those 2 elements dont exist. By trust I dont just mean they wont cheat but thst ehen they say they will do something it gets done. I had lost respect for my H before the wedding & it went down hill from there & I never could trust him to do anything. I was always cleaning up messes he made in our life....still am but I now have a no-nonsense lawyer who will get this mess over & done with.

I was more financially trapped in the marriage & saw no possible way out at that time. Controlled by lack of money to get out.

But all said & done the way things have happened have been for the best in the long run even though it didnt seem to be at the time.

[~Christina]

I personally would not want that kind of relationship myself... But I do know a few couples that I think are in that type of situation...

What wont work for some work well for others...

Good luck on deciding what direction you want your life to go.

[~Christina]

Duplicate post

[pinkdiva42]

Originally Posted by _nullandvoid_

a certain post from someone rang with me, and i don't want to put them or anyone on the spot, so this is a general question to anyone that might want to reply. But please don't say anything that you don't feel comfortable with.

But recognizing my own limitations, just a general question cause i am curious... Living in a society where people are generally in a relationship where love is a primary factor, could you be in a relationship where there is no love, but choose to be together for the sake of companionship, and both make a choice to stay committed to each other? I'm talking about just choosing to commit regardless.

My adopted dad and i had this very conversation once, (and i do understand, i am not oblivious to the needs that most people have, i am just unable to reciprocate) and he said that people choose to be together first because they love each other, and then make the choice to commit to each other.

Time and again, i read and hear about people who feel unfulfilled and unloved in relationships, and ultimately make the choice to part due to their unhappiness and unfulfillment.

Recognizing in myself that i am unable to give even those basic needs, i think that while i would stay committed, i think any partner would feel emotionally neglected and unfulfilled in a relationship with me.

So my question really is, (and it's open-ended), do you think both partners would equally have to be the same, or could anyone really tolerate a relationship like that over the long term? Cause everything i read and hear says the answer is no. Such relationships make a person feel unloved, unwanted, neglected and they eventually begin to feel angry toward their partner for not fulfilling their needs, and ultimately decide to leave.

Any thoughts anyone wants to share? I'm just interested in an open-ended discussion on this topic, if anybody wants to chime in.

people do get into relationships of convienence all the time (not sure if i spelled the word right sorry) but you see the sugar daddy older man getting with a woman more than half his age younger and they remain together because each person is getting what they need and want out of the relationship, is it genuine love, of course not but both parties are happy and content getting what they want so they stick together and stay commited, so no its not unheard of at all. Also look at the people who marry someone here just to become a citizen.. The person knows its not for love, sometimes they pay money to marry for their citizenship but its a commited relationship and they play by the rules.

[eskielover]

Now that I am older & wiser, If I ever would get married again after I get this divorce finalized, I would never marry someone I dont have a true emotional connection with, someone I totally respect & trust so LOVE can grow. Ah, I do wonder what that awesome feeling would feel like after 43 years (last 10 I havent been around at all but still couldnt get the divorce because of the financial situation) of being in a loveless & mostly fighting & angry relationship because I wouldnt quietly tolerate his crap.

I've gotten to know better this elderly couple at church, and they appear to be a real odd couple.

I've been watching them and getting to know them, and I am deeply curious about their relationship dynamics.

They don't appear 'lovey' at all, but very comfortable around each other.

I plan on asking them many questions soon, because I find this relationship very curious. At first glance they wouldn't seem the most compatible, yet their relationship works for them.

I am especially curious to find out if they love each other, and if they ever did, and why they chose to get together - what drew them to each other.

Yes, I am very curious about relationships, and I spend a lot of time watching people, how they interact with each other, how they feel about each other. Maybe cause I am curious about what loving relationships are and how they are and are supposed to be. Having never experienced that myself.

[eskielover]

Just approach asking them CAREFULLY. Some people or couples arent wanting to share intimate information about themselves with others, feeling that their private life is private.

Approach cautiously & with respect to see if they are willing to share before dumping questions on them.

My parents were so dysfunctional they thought their dysfunctional marriage WAS NORMAL & so did I because my marriage was just like theirs. It wasnt until I got away & saw other more functional marriages that it was OBVIOUS the dysfunction I grew up thinking was normal.

Its strange because I always felt inside thatvsomething was missing in the emotional connection between my parents let alone their connection with anyone not just their marriage. I struggled with it too until I got totally awayvfrom that environment.

There can be causes even like with ASD playing a role in the relationship if one or both deal with that or self-confidence issues or achidhood abuse or neglect where the person(s) have built walls. It doesnt keep them from getting married, it just keeps the connection between at a different level. Some people dont even know about those things especiallybelderky because those things weren't even known about in their days of relationship development so even if ypu talk to them you may not get an accurate account for why they are the way they are.

Actually we had a nice talk. I was cautious at first, but they were open.

They said friendship for them was first and primary, and love followed and that they love each other a lot.

I think appearances can be deceptive, and that we never really know what a couple are like together - your experience talking to that couple highlights that. I also feel that a stereotypical 'sugar daddy' type relationship might not be as shallow as others may perceive it, there may be real love there.

In our culture (western) we associate marriage with love, and that is most people's expectations. Not to say it can't work in a more businesslike way but both parties would have to be clear on expectations.

There are many different ways of being, some people are aromantic/asexual so I don't think what you are talking about would be completely out of the question, but maybe a little harder to find a match.