[seesaw]

So this is a situation with my uncle, my father's brother. A little background, my father was very abusive and violent growing up. My cPTSD stems from the childhood abuse and neglect from him and his violence.

Growing up, my father was in the military and we did not live near our other family. So I did not develop very close relationships with my grandparents or with my uncle. In my teens, we moved back to the same city and state as them, and it was like I was expected to have this close relationship with these people who didn't know me or understand me or know anything about the reality of the household their son/brother created.

My uncle has always supposed that we have some kind of close relationship because I was an artist and he was a photographer, but we don't. To me he's like an acquaintance that I've almost dropped on numerous occasions because of the lies and rumors he spreads. He is a terrible gossip. About 7 years ago I had a falling out with my eldest brother because of his and his wife's behavior towards me and how they used me terribly to care for their son while never actually spending any time with me. They did something incredibly insensitive (AGAIN) and I called it quits with them. My father knew the details of the story and supported me in my decision, but my father is also not a gossip and neither he nor I chose to share the details of the story with anyone. It was no one's business.

Well, my uncle hear my brother's twisted side of it that left out all the facts about what my brother and SIL had done to me, and he spread that rumor to my grandmother. Who became very upset with me that I would treat family in such a fashion. I, in turn, was very upset that my uncle was feeding my grandmother this untrue gossip and damaging my relationship with her. Despite the lack of closeness in my childhood, as an adult, and after my grandfather passed, she and I became quite close because she too had been an artist at one point.

Finally my father intervened, and told my uncle and grandmother what really happened and not only did they support me, they were very angry with my brother. My uncle came to me begging for forgiveness and said he didn't know the whole story so he didn't know what to do. And my response was, maybe you shouldn't have stuck your nose in something that didn't have anything to do with you? I didn't want to share the story because it was upsetting and I didn't want to talk badly about my brother. The situation was between them and me. There was no need for it to be a family war. But you had to take it there because you wanted to cause drama. He begged forgiveness, and I just let it go. That's just the kind of drama queen he is.

Again, we have never been close. I try to visit him or call him on occasion, mostly out of obligation. I don't like spending time with him. He often gets upset that I don't call or visit more, but I'm pretty sure the telephone works both ways. Regardless we have never and are still not close, and he has done and said many things to and about me in my life that have been hurtful, with no real remorse or changing of his ways.

A few years ago, my father forced my grandmother and uncle to move down to his city so they could be near him so in case they had medical problems, he could care for them. My uncle has been on disability for like 30 years now due to a heart condition and his diabetes. He does nothing to take care of himself. The doctors recommended healthier living and eating habits, and he has never taken that advice. He has been in need of a kidney transplant for a while. He's severely obese (and for some reason feels he can make judgments about me for my weight, ug), and recently had a fall, and after that fall the doctors decided he needed to go into a rehab then assisted living facility. (By the way, all this information is from my uncle's posts on Facebook).

He posted this morning an update that due to his fall and his failure to take care of himself that part of his leg is being amputated in a few days. He mentioned that he is now destitute and basically has no insurance.

Now, my father and I are estranged and have no relationship. My uncle, as usual, has chosen to butt his head into the situation and continues to try and get me to call my father, which is very harmful considering he's asking me to reach out to my abuser, which I refuse to do, and I keep telling him to back off. I no longer talk to him because every time I do this becomes a whole topic of discussion and I don't need to talk to someone who is only going to upset me.

So here's the thing...I feel bad that he's going to lose part of his leg. There is absolutely nothing I can do to help. Nor does he know what I've been going through the past 6 months since I lost my job, the discrimination I dealt with, the relapse of my depression, etc. And while I feel bad for him, I don't want to have any kind of conversation with him because all he's going to do is guilt trip me for not calling him more often (again, the phone works both ways, and I was actually working a lot of the time, and he was doing NOTHING). And also, I refuse to have any conversation about my father.

I was thinking I could send him a card and write him a note in it, expressing my concern and love, and that would get me out of having to have an actual conversation.

I don't know, he has always made me feel like such a bad person because I haven't made him my confidant or been very close to him, but that's just the thing, we aren't very close. I don't know why he expects all this attention from me when we have NEVER been close and when he has only done things that are harmful to me.

My family is just so dysfunctional and abusive on so many levels.

Any thoughts on the card idea?

Seesaw

[Travelinglady]

I think sending him a card would be a nice thing to do.

I agree. I think sending a caring, thoughtful card with a personal, handwritten note from yourself expressing your care and concern over his situation is a great way to handle this. I am sure he will appreciate the gesture. I think you are right to protect your well-being and your mental health in other ways, and that it's understandable why you want to hold him at arm's length. He may want you to reach out to your father, but really it's not his business. I completely understand why you don't wish to reconnect with your dad.

When it comes to abuse and harmful actions by others, we must protect ourselves.

(((((Hugs))))))

[seesaw]

Thanks, guys.

Ug...I commented on his post on FB about the amputation that he's in my prayers, and he commented that he hopes I come visit soon...the man has not called me in 6 months and has no idea the financial meltdown I've been through because I lost my job. Where am I going to stay when I go visit him? And it's not like I can just easily drive a 10 hour round trip to go visit him. And what am I supposed to do with my dogs while I take this trip to visit him?

This is typical him. He has no clue what other people are dealing with and thinks things are just as simple as can be. When my grandparents were alive, he regularly would run up tens of thousands of dollars in credit card debt and my grandparents would just pay it off for him. When they passed and he got an inheritance, he bought a huge three bedroom condo (why does he need three bedrooms?) and, in addition to his SUV that has a carrier for his motorized wheelchair on the back of it, spent a shitload of money on a Chrysler convertible. Basically blew his entire inheritance. So now that he's as ill as he is, my dad is doing all the heavy lifting cleaning and selling his condo (which was god awful filthy, he's a hoarder and had multiple cats that pooped and vomited all over the condo and he would never clean it up...another reason I did not want to visit, because his place was just too filthy for me to be in) and my dad sold his cars for him so that he would have money to move into the assisted living facility. He has been taken care of his entire life and has no clue what real adversity is. Someone has always bailed him out. And I'm all for family helping each other out. My mother has been a god send to me in my difficult time right now, but there's a difference between needing help through a difficult time and ALWAYS being taken care of, with no consequences.

I am sorry that he has to have this amputation but I am also just super pissed that he expects all this attention from me when I've been dealing with serious mental illness for 5 years now and he has done basically nothing and doesn't care at all how I'm doing.

Okay...just had to get that out.

I'll try and do the card thing. Honestly I'm so strapped right now and greeting cards can cost as much as like $5, which I can hardly spare.

Seesaw

Don't let him use his illness or losing his leg to guilt trip you into doing more than you're comfortable with. My mother backhandedly uses the fact that she has AIDS to keep me from holding her accountable for her actions. I think you should be honest with him and let him know that because of the way he's acted, you want to keep the relationship at a distance for now. And that if he can't respect your boundaries he can have nothing at all.

And yes the card would be a nice gesture but I would leave it at that.