I May Give My Toxic Family A Last Chance To Not Be Toxic

I have a "family" that certainly does not act like one. They have been toxic, abusive, and narcissistic. They have not acted like people with genuine concern for me whatsoever. They have behaved like abusers, which is what they have been. This began when I was around 17 or so, but it didn't really become obvious to me (or my therapists) until more recently after I came out about my sexual orientation and began to dress more authentically. They have been extremely hostile. In fact, they have said that they disowned me and backtracked. They have gone on long winded 2 hour+ rants of attacking me about my sexuality. They have told me that who I am is "disturbing" and essentially spent hours and hours attacking the very core of who I am. And when I called them on this atrocious emotional abuse, they simply have denied it or said that they are "entitled to their reaction" and actually recommended that I leave because there is just "bound to be conflict with them" given this. At many times in the conversation, they just said that they "want to forget about this" but there were also times when they asked grilling questions for the purpose of attacking me and telling me how I was wrong and being very judgmental and verbally abusive towards me. Or simply coming out of the chute and attacking me and being judgmental about things that I told them and shouldn't have purposely under the hopeful delusion of having a family.

Then, all of a sudden (after years of ******** prior to this by the way), they began acting like everything was okay and began to be peaceful and "loving" towards me. And they have even taken it a step further. They have seemed to approach me as though they were "concerned parents". Ironically, prior to this sudden "change of heart" (which is probably fake just like all the other times they acted like they were "nice" to me, hoovering basically), I was planning to leave them forever and had a very specific plan that I intended to enact in the near future. Yet if I enact it, their phone number would be blocked, all doors of contact would be closed, and I would have just moved on....... then there's this that just makes me wonder.

Now, these "parents" with a 10 year track record of emotional abuse (intermittent and guised as simply "losing their cool" and "in the heat of the moment" extremely well until the past year and a half after I came out) have approached me and said that they are concerned about my future and just "want to help me to get wherever I want to go". Previously, my "mother" asked me if I was transgender in a seemingly normal tone of voice and insisted there was "nothing devious in the question" and that she just wanted to know (as a result of the way I dress apparently) and I said no. She was okay with that, but she has said that she "has no particular agenda for me" but that she is curious about what my plans are with regard to everything, including my "lifestyle" because she "just wants to help me get wherever I want to go" and acts as though she is a supportive person who simply is concerned about me and "wants the best for my future". My dad also asked "if there was anything they could help me do to figure things out" and my Mom corrected him and said "well, his future and plans is up to him" or something to the effect. And said that they were simply curious about what I planned and "had no particular agenda" and that they were just curious and that my future was for me to figure out and that it "wasn't about them" that they were just "thinking of me". And said that "maybe it's okay that I want to have this kind of expression" and that she "didn't know" but acted "concerned" about things and said that she "had no real agenda" and that she just wanted me to be able to "get wherever I wanted to go" and that she "didn't want to see me alone".

A couple of weeks have gone by since this. In the meantime, I've thought that they've been giving me looks about things just like before but I can't tell, I'm just so used to seeing this sort of thing that when you're a hammer everything looks like a nail sort of thing. I don't know. I haven't responded to them, but I've thought about doing so. I've thought about maybe giving them this last chance. Of course, if they are abusive again (which given their track record its just another hoover and attack), I will just leave and never speak to them again. However, perhaps, perhaps, there is a chance that FINALLY she actually has decided to reach out. I first said I didn't want to talk about it and she said "she didn't want to either" but thought that I was "asking for her to" which I really wasn't. I don't know, but she said, "Well we can talk some time if you want. I have no particular agenda." and still was seeming to indicate she wasn't saying anything I was doing was wrong per say, which was quite positive for her...... and acted like who knows maybe there was some chance she wanted to "be there for me".

So, I am hesitant to enact my plan (that would involve moving to a different part of the country and leaving a note on the counter with specific instructions for them not to contact me under any circumstances). Since she sort of approached me with this, I'm thinking of going back on my plan with this...... just to give them (her mostly) this one last chance. And if it doesn't go well, I'll just forget about these people forever.

Because before this 10 years, me and my family were like glue. We were there for each other and I felt like I truly meant the world to them, and maybe on some deep level despite all this...... I still do. And it would be so sad to have to just walk away. Yet I would if I needed to, but maybe, just maybe I should give this ONE last chance. Even though I have given dozens and dozens. Knowing that it is TRULY the last chance. Maybe I should just actually talk to her like one would talk to any other person and just see how it goes. While it's probably all fake and phony just like all the other times, I just feel like I would always wonder if I enact my "escape plan" and NEVER see them again. As my plan involved not only giving no info about my whereabouts (as I suspect them of being narcs) but also blocking their phone number and permanently cutting all ties. Keep in mind there has been problems with them for YEARS. So, it isn't like I haven't given them plenty of chances. Just that perhaps with this, I have a feeling and wonder if maybe, just maybe she actually did decide to do something different..... and I think I'm going to give this one last chance.

Abusive people typically do not change and typically do not have some sudden epiphany about their atrocious behavior. They CAN be nice when it suits their own needs, ESPECIALLY with Narcs. IF you give them one more chance, my concern would be for your emotional well-being. If it were me, I would be very cautious about opening up to them again and I would want to hold my cards very close to me. The fact that they have repeatedly said there is no agenda tells me there IS an agenda. I don't trust it. But it's up to you... just go into it knowing that they could turn on you again. Be wary and protect yourself. (((((Hugs)))))

Don’t trust them, it’s not worth it. You don’t need to accept these moldy crumbs. You’re better off without them. Like Eve says, abusers typically don’t change.

The only reason why I'm considering it is that while these people have been phony before...... It's always very easy to tell. Because once you start have a conversation with them about anything of substance, they revert back to the verbal abuse within a couple conversations. And assuming they turn again, I'd be able to move on and put the idea of any sort of possibility that they processed things and changed aside. But the day that they start judging me again, (assuming that they do), I will remove myself so there will be no possibility of further cycles happening. The only reason I've given any "chance" at all now is that the really atrocious behavior really only began after my coming out and the incidents certainly centered around this issue..... and it's not unheard of for a family that reacted badly initially to something like this to "come around" over the course of time.

Though, that would require a significant amount of empathy, which has certainly seemed to be lacking here. But I feel like if I just walk away without really knowing I would always wonder if they were beginning to come around and I walked away before I could really seems it. But I'm certainly not going to be surprised if it just goes back to more of the same again. It would be the less likely possibility that it won't. I also would need to feel like there was some sort of recognition of their behavior, which honestly seems like it's not impossible but also somewhat unlikely.

If they truly are narcisssists, narcs have no empathy.

Well, I'll just have to see. Like I said, I'm not 100 percent sure that they're true narcs aa opposed to just people who were frustrated and/or struggling with something unfamiliar. If it's the case that they're true narcs though, I think I'd know as I'm past the point of being fooled. If at any time they revert back to saying the same things and/or trying to change who I am..... or in any way in the current moment act like someone who I would not talk to if they weren't family, then I'll just completely sever all ties and not look back. And I realize the possibility is strong. I'm just giving a "last chance" based on vaguely "normal" behavior in very recent times but realize it could be phony unless I clearly saw otherwise as a long term pattern. But I'll keep both options open at this point, yet only accepting genuine love and acceptance and nothing phony. If they are truly narcs, I think I'll see it...... and simply cut off all contact. I'm not going to allow myself to be bamboozled by them again. If they're being real with me now, I'll be real.. If they're not, then I'll just stop talking to them and not look back. Because if they are the people I've seen in the past few years and are no different, I'm 100 times better without them. That's for sure.

Sounds like you know exactly how to handle things.

Not because anything new has happened recently, but I remain quite skeptical that things would be capable of working out with these people. The reason is simply that for one people who behave like this generally ARE narcissists, especially when you consider the fact that they not only were extremely harmful to my emotional health and seemed to not care (and my Mom even said that she didn't during one of her attacks)......... but never once did I get anything resembling an apology for any of it. I haven't brought it up, but it just seems like if things were any different there would have been some sort of processing of things which would result in an apology. But there has been no apology. No return to the behavior from before but no apology either........ just nothing said at all. And I'm likely just being "suckered back in" by not cutting them off, yet I don't know this for certain. But still, it just doesn't seem like any decent person would act like this and then not even apologize for it. Plus, to be honest, even if they did "come around" and it somehow was different now (which I suppose there's a remote chance that this is the case), I still don't think I'd ever really trust them entirely. I'd always wonder if perhaps they simply had started smearing me behind my back (which they may be doing) or had some other abusive game in mind for me that I hadn't caught on to yet.

You are onto something here and your instincts are good. Narcs never apologize or feel empathy for the pain and harm that they cause people. You're right in that if they truly have changed their ways and reflected on their behavior, an apology would be in order. Narcs are also notorious for being highly manipulative to suit their own needs. It is always about what serves them best, not you. This could be all about them and their needs, not yours. I solute you for your caution and your observations.

I agree. It certainly does seem as though that if they weren't narcs, they would have given an apology of some kind. The fact that this didn't happen makes me think that they likely have little to no concern for my needs and whatever is going on now is likely all part of some sort of game. I'm not even sure if it's worth bringing anything up to them, as if I do...... either they'll just attack me again or spin some sort of lies that are even more difficult to see through. To be honest, unfortunately, at this point, there's little (if anything) they could do to regain my trust. Given the way things were before and their apparent lack of empathy and lack of any apology, even if they did "come around", I honestly would just kind of wonder if it's all part of some kind of game. My "mom" seems to act like she's supportive of me in some ways and has reached out in some ways that she didn't before, but I really don't trust her......... don't think I'd ever really trust either of them. It would take a lot, and one part of a lot would be an apology, though I highly doubt that I'd ever get one. Even if I asked for one, I doubt I'd get it....... or if I did, it would probably be fake and phony.

I'm not sure exactly what they think they are getting out of me at this point, but they clearly have some sort of agenda. If I'm somehow wrong about them being narcs, I suppose I'll figure it out in time........ but I just see them as such at the time (though leaving the possibility of them not being that way open, as incredibly unlikely as that is). I suppose if I "was smart", I would just cut them off forever though, as the chances of them not being narcs are incredibly slim. Whatever is going on now is most likely just part of the ruse. I'm frankly not sure what is keeping me drawn into this ****. Though, I suppose that nowadays, if it turns out that they're not actually narcs...... then I'll see that, but it would take quite a lot in addition to an apology and I haven't even gotten that. So, I'd say 95% chance is they are narcs with ZERO empathy or concern for me and are 100% just concerned with themselves and their own interests and games. Good chance they have even trash talked me behind my back, though I don't know this...... just that it would be very fitting with what narcs do when they can't completely puppet someone like they wanted to do to me.

You are still processing and thinking this through and I think your thoughts are right on track.

My stance is that once people have a history of treating you poorly, it is more than likely that the behavior repeats itself -- almost guaranteed. Once is enough to proceed with caution. Two and three times? Four or more? Glaring neon lights flashing saying "warning warning warning!!!! Be extremely careful!!!".

It makes sense that you want to consider keeping them in your life because they are your parents after all. You are thinking it through, they have made some amount of effort more recently, and you're not being rash with your decision.

But yes -- proceed with caution and wariness. You deserved an apology at the very least. I am guessing that they are narcs, given your own beliefs.

Oh, and when she was asking me questions about my plans for the future and saying how she said she "didn't have an agenda" and all that, I gave her ZERO information about anything. But not for the reason that you're thinking. I consciously thought that I should, just to see how things are going and if there is any chance of them not being narcs. But I simply couldn't bring myself, as these people just make me so anxious and on edge when talking about anything of substance like that, given their volatile and abusive history of "reactions" to everything.