[shakespeare47]

Does anyone else lead small groups? I've led a few small groups over the last few years.

I was leading one small group, 3 people and myself. And the one woman involved starting accusing me of being sexist and dishonest and incompetent. But, she kept attending. It's kinda funny in that I would sometimes announce that I would not be attending, and I would ask if anyone else would step up and lead the group that week. No one ever did... until the very end, when she decided she would lead once when I couldn't make it. I'm sure she did fine.

I finally got tired of the disrespect and decided I was too busy doing other things, and let them know I would be taking a break. I thought maybe someone else would step up and volunteer to lead the group, but no one did. But, they immediately started pestering me and wondered what they could do to get me to come back. I merely reiterated that I was pretty busy, and that I couldn't predict when I'd be back.

Does their behavior strike anyone else as odd? It's like they were saying,(I can only assume the others agreed with her... they didn't argue or stand up for me)"we think you suck... but, we want you to keep leading our group."

[hvert]

It makes sense to me that this person would want you to come back and lead the group even after having complained because it's less work for her if you lead the group and she probably enjoys criticizing someone. The behavior is odd from a logical point of view, but it's also really common. I am not sure what kind of group you were leading, but I have encountered similar behavior repeatedly when volunteering (and so have friends, so it's not just me).

The pattern I see seems to be this:
Person 1 is responsible for a task.
Persons 2-5 are not actually doing the task but have very specific ideas about how it should be done. They complain, but they do not offer to do it themselves. They have no idea of how much time and energy Person 1 puts into the task until Person 1 finally gets fed up and tells them to do it themselves!

I don't know if it is some groupthink thing? Or people not valuing other people's work because they are not paying for it? It's very annoying, whatever the reason behind it.

Sound like sour grapes from one individual to me....

Personality clash? Jealousy on her part because nobody asked her? Petty jealousy?

Remember high school? sometimes people never outgrow that behavior. You got offended, maybe, (I would have....it sounds like....criticism to some of us. Very hurtful for those of us with a ****** childhood.

I am sorry.
(((hugs))) Reconsider going back to leading.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

Jealousy on her part because nobody asked her?

But I did ask her (admittedly, I asked everyone).

[Turtle_Rider]

Once, that was hell. They're just stupid bunch of people who thinks that they should get more lighter tasks. I've fought lots with them.

What actually they want is you to do all of the work, including theirs. No, they're not jealous, they just don't want to do the work. Whenever I gave them task, they ****ed them. Never done the work right, either it's wrong or different from plan. Just looking at their work, you will see that there is no effort at all. Spoiled brats.... I don't regret argue with them.

It just their mind games. They said like that so you will feel bad and do more work while they sat on your back. Don't let them be.

And if later one of them said truly that you're bad, it's your turn. Tell them to lead the group, I bet they will try to reason with you!

[MickeyCheeky]

I think you should just ignore this kind of people, tbh..

[shakespeare47]

I'd like to lead a small group of the same sort again in the future, and I am trying to figure how to respond to people like the woman in my group (and even what to do if she shows up to any new group I start). She was just difficult. I heard her say some pretty nasty things about her own husband, as well.

I have been involved w/ other groups where someone else was the leader, and that leader put up with some pretty nasty crap. It looks to me like he just decided to lead the group as best he could, and dealt with the crap as best he could. I just don't need the headache, and I have a pretty low tolerance for crap of the sort she was dishing out.

[*Laurie*]

Hi shakespeare47, I'm curious...what kind of groups do you lead? Mental health groups, or ?? I facilitate a NAMI group. The only problem I've had (so far) is with one man who was severely schizophrenic. I made a suggestion to him about something he brought up, he became angry and started calling me names and such.

[shakespeare47]

The groups I've led are just ordinary reading groups with the general public. The person I had the most trouble with is apparently very successful.

[shakespeare47]

I felt like I was in an impossible position. My biggest fear was that if I continued to be around her, that I'd be tempted to act like her.

[shakespeare47]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I think you should just ignore this kind of people, tbh..

I think that is the best option. In this case, it was increasingly difficult to do.

[shakespeare47]

I've decided to try again. There will be a planning meeting soon. But, since this time I've decided to stay closer to home, no one may show up. There was one new person who was interested, but she may not be able to make it for the first meeting. The best case scenario is that she and her husband will start attending regularly.

[shakespeare47]

The planning meeting I mentioned in August never materialized. But, I did start up another group, after conversing with another fellow online. We met for the first time last week, and that meeting went well. We've decided to meet weekly, and have invited others to attend. Hopefully, there will be 3 of us this week.

[seesaw]

I think if you have someone in your group who is openly criticizing you the way she is, you have to confront that behavior. You can do it nicely, in private, and say, the open way you criticize me undermines the group. I am open to suggestions but I would prefer that you bring them to me privately.

You could even go so far as to suggest that maybe your group isn't for her and that she should find a different group that meets her ideals better. I actually got kicked out of a Facebook group (by a friend, no less) because I disagree with the group owner and they were like, this is how it is, if you don't like it, then the group isn't for you. I certainly don't miss being a part of that group because it was super annoying and lots of drama.

I think if someone in your group starts to misbehave, considering it IS your group, that you should privately discuss it with them, and if it continues, tell them they are no longer welcome. These kinds of people need to know they can't abuse people and need to know their our boundaries.

Seesaw

[s4ndm4n2006]

idk about the others, but the critical one, well... actually there are some types of people who are not really interested or know how to really do the job of leading anything but they live and I emphasize this, they live to criticize others in place of leadership and/or authority. No matter where you go you will find a few like this. They are the types of people that if you say "would you like to do the job?" they will typically decline but then only if they can continue to criticize.

The one way to defuse this type of behavior is to let yourself be unaffected by it. Short replies to their criticisms, like "thank you for your input... " stop. Just that, nothing more. don't give them a retort or reply to their opinions and don't give them anything to continue, argue or any idea of whether you agree or disagree. Their fuel is disagreement and opposition. Don't give that to them and eventually they will either give up or at worst they will continue but it will be minimized by your lack of response other than "thank you for your opinion." and nothing more. Hard to keep going when there is no bite.

Hope this helps.

[shakespeare47]

The second meeting went well. There were 3 people in attendance (myself and 2 others).

[shakespeare47]

Last week I went to a meeting of professional scholars, students and professors at a large university.
I was appalled at the pettiness. I tend to think that intelligent, thoughtful people should be able to talk about a subject (especially a subject they all profess to enjoy) without nastiness. Apparently, I was wrong.

I was also surprised with how little they presented in the way of evidence or argument to back up their positions. It's like they just thought to themselves, I'm an expert in this field, I don't need to present a meaningful argument, my position and experience as a scholar is enough to justify my opinion. (I suspect that when they write on a subject, they actually do use arguments and evidence.)

[shakespeare47]

I decided to end my smaller group (the one I first mentioned in post 13), and start up a new one in a larger city nearby. We had our first planning meeting and plan on meeting weekly.

This is a philosophy discussion group and I did notice that in this group and in other groups, sometimes when I present arguments, people think I accept these arguments and judge me accordingly. I'm going to have to make it a point to let them know that just because I present an argument, it doesn't mean I accept said argument.