Trigger warning// husband's physical and sexual issues and behavior// trigger warning

I'm new here so forgive me as I'm still learning how this program works. I've come here looking for some advice and insight. I have two things that are concerning me as of late.

My husband and I have been together nearly 5 years. We have 3 kids ages 3, almost 2, and 6 months. Our intimate relationship was great at the start but lessened drastically after the birth of our first child due to my lack of sex drive and discomfort from a difficult delivery. My husband's sex drive has always been extremely high
I also have somewhat serious PTSD issues around intimacy. My husband has known about these things since the beginning of our relationship.
In the past 2 years I have found my husband pressuring me to be intimate when I'm not comfortable. I have times when I get flashbacks quite regularly and he pushes me to be intimate in those moments as well. He tries to be understanding but more often than not these days he just wants me to push past my issues to help him. I certainly would if I could but I don't yet have the tools to do so.
I have woken to him touching me, fingering me, trying to have sex with me a four times in the past 2 years. When I start to stir he will stop what he's doing and pretend to be asleep. The first few times this happened I thought maybe I was imagining things so I have actually pretended to be asleep to see if what I thought was going on was true. There was no mistaking that he was trying to be intimate while I slept and stopped the moment he thought I was waking. I have confronted him about this but it has happened since. I'm extremely uncomfortable with him doing this, especially sure you my history with sexual abuse. I have woken with bruises on my body without knowing how they came about. The bruising is on my chest, thighs, or occasionally vaginal.

The next thing that worries me is his temper. He has always had a bit of a temper. Actually got to the point of him breaking bones in his brother's body when they would fight growing up. He doesn't know his strength. Most of the time his anger is coming out in the form of yelling or cursing but there have been a few times when he has spanked our 3 year old far too hard and left big red handprints on her. The spots were hot to the touch and she couldn't sit/lay on that side of her body for the evening. He immediately feels bad about having hit her so hard but the fact that it has happened repeatedly worries me.

He and I are going through a rough patch but he keeps telling me that he'll get better. Then when I point out that many things still aren't changing in the slightest he yells at me for something and makes it my fault again or changes the subject entirely.
I want to work through our issues but at the same time I know I'm too close to the situation to know how best to move forward. He agrees that he needs counseling but refuses to actually see anything up. I'm seeing someone for myself now and then but he doesn't watch the children often enough for me to go regularly. I want the best life for my kids and I don't know what to do. I just know that things are not right.

Well... from what you wrote... I would say your husband is abusing both you & your kids. I'm a guy... well... sort of... it's complicated... (actually an old man.) But I know what a man's sex drive is all about. Still... that doesn't excuse the type of behavior you describe. Plus, hitting your daughter so hard it leaves welts she can't sit / lay on really is over the top, in my opinion.

Yes... he always says he's sorry & probably says it won't happen again. But it always does. That's pretty-much the normal pattern as I understand it. My personal, non-professional opinion is he needs help. But you cannot force him into it. The only thing you can do is to do what you have to do to protect yourself & your children.

Here are links to 3 articles from the PsychCentral archives that may be of some interest & benefit:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archiv...-relationship/

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/dom...violence-quiz/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/pract...-relationship/

Also... are you familiar with the National Domestic Abuse Hotline?

1 (800) 799-7233

The National Domestic Violence Hotline ? The Hotline

I wish you well as you struggle to work your way through this most difficult situation.

Your post is very alarming. First, I am so sorry for the abuse you experienced earlier in your life.

Your husband is most certainly abusing you and your children and it's very likely it will only get worse. Never should he hit your child so hard as to leave bruises.

My instinct is to advise you to leave him. I'm not sure it's likely he'll ever seek counseling or change his ways. And what will happen next is that he will break one of your bones or worse, one of your children's.

He's also sexually abusing you by doing things to you in your sleep. That is most certainly NOT okay.

Do you have any resources to leave him? Can you take the kids and go stay with family?

Seesaw

Thank you for the responses. I'm not an ultimatum type of person but I just gave him one. Told him that we were heading toward divorce if he doesn't get help and actually change his behaviors. After a few guilt trips on his end he is now looking into counseling and will be staying with family until we can see a therapist together.