How to keep husband from annoying people

Foo Fighter · Dec 25, 2017 at 07:52 PM

My husband has this habit of pulling out his iPad at family functions and showing videos. Normally this wouldn't be bad but it's half a dozen vids or he narrows in on a cousin and shows them multiple videos and then leaves me alone with others. Thanksgiving he was glued to it and I had to take it away so he could talk to his relative for a couple of minutes. I did have some success by placing it with our coats so he didn't even get it out but he still does it and I can't think of a nice way to tell him to put it away when we are at family functions. And by nice I mean not hiding it in my coat and getting the point across without him going "No one got mad, stop worrying so much". It's getting to the point at a few functions we have had to distract him but how do you tell someone nicely to please put the iPad away?

seesaw · Dec 25, 2017 at 07:58 PM

Um...tell him nicely to "please put the iPad away."

Are these events at your house or is he bringing his iPad with him to other people's houses?

I guess you could say "honey, I know you really enjoy sharing these videos with people, but everyone is trying to socialize and talk, and bringing out your iPad shuts people out and also distracts them from being able to socialize with more than one person."

I mean, how many families don't allow gadgets at the dinner table? I think it's a reasonable request that he not bring his iPad to these social functions.

Seesaw

Foo Fighter · Dec 25, 2017 at 10:01 PM

He brings it everywhere including other people's houses and public. I have told him that he needs to stop doing that a d he gets defensive and says I'm worrying too much. I'll try what you said and see if that gets the point across. Thanks

seesaw · Dec 25, 2017 at 10:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Foo Fighter

He brings it everywhere including other people's houses and public. I have told him that he needs to stop doing that a d he gets defensive and says I'm worrying too much. I'll try what you said and see if that gets the point across. Thanks

He brings it to other people's houses? That's kind of out of line, socially. People are there to socialize, not look at videos and gadgets.

I don't know anyone who brings an iPad to someone else's house. Most people I know who have one use it for either home use like reading or surfing the web, or they use it at work for meetings, etc.

Does he notice that it bothers other people? I mean like could you allow him to bring it and just ignore him?

Or, um, could you put a password on it so he can only use it at home? Lol.

Seesaw

Dec 26, 2017 at 06:19 AM

I like Seeesaw's suggestions. I wonder why he does this? Do you think he doesn't feel comfortable with conversation and uses this as a way to avoid conversation? It's a great distraction.

Carmina · Dec 26, 2017 at 06:39 AM

Maybe he's just not so comfortable with face to face social encounters so needs something to hide behind or at least provide something to talk about. I do the same.

Dec 26, 2017 at 08:27 AM

This is completely out of line and quite childish. He needs to know that face-to-face socialisation is de rigour for such events.

Insist that the tablet remain home. Insist that taking it is inappropriate. Ask him to consider: Does anyone else behave accordingly? Perhaps come to an agreement of under what circumstances during the evening is he stressing so much under that makes it necessary to leave and go home (it sounds to me as though having this tablet is a security blanket of sorts; a coping mechanism).

hvert · Dec 26, 2017 at 09:06 AM

My boyfriend also does this, only he is playing with his phone by himself, ignoring everyone around him. If we are with my family, I ignore it. He is responsible for his own behavior.

If we are with his family, it's a different story. I tell him ahead of time that I am not going to do the hard work of keeping up a conversation with his relatives if he can't be bothered. So when he brings out his phone, I nudge him as a reminder to put it away. I've also told him that if he's going to play on his phone the whole time, I'm not going and he'll have to deal with them alone.

Bill3 · Dec 26, 2017 at 09:10 AM

How do those he shows videos to react to him?

Carmina · Dec 26, 2017 at 11:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by justafriend306

This is completely out of line and quite childish. He needs to know that face-to-face socialisation is de rigour for such events.

Don't see why, that sounds like a nightmare.

Foo Fighter · Dec 26, 2017 at 01:29 PM

Bill3 they lose interest after a few minutes. I think his family is a little too polite in telling him " That's very nice but why don't you put that away for a few minutes." He does have Aspergers (I have it too but if I did anything like this my mom will tell me you need to change the subject or the iPad would be on a time limit) and I think they are afraid of upsetting him or they just don't get that you can tell him no. He will be upset but he won't throw a fit. He monologues and usually when we are with my folks we keep better tabs on him. Usually we will distract him by asking him to do something and when he does it on me sometimes I tell him I'm preoccupied, but I think his family doesn't get that they don't have to deal with it and ignoring it only encourages that behavior

Nammu · Dec 26, 2017 at 01:51 PM

Why is his behavior your problem? It's on him and no reflection of you. Your not responsible for policing him.

divine1966 · Dec 26, 2017 at 04:27 PM

Well we were at relatives Christmas dinner and there were some strangers too and my husband kept showing people some pics or videos on his phone. It was within a topic of discussion but it was still too much. Ok show two pics but then stop. I had to tell him to stop. He stops when I ask him. But in general he just doesn’t know when to stop. Once I took his phone and put it in My pocket haha

divine1966 · Dec 26, 2017 at 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Foo Fighter

Bill3 they lose interest after a few minutes. I think his family is a little too polite in telling him " That's very nice but why don't you put that away for a few minutes." He does have Aspergers (I have it too but if I did anything like this my mom will tell me you need to change the subject or the iPad would be on a time limit) and I think they are afraid of upsetting him or they just don't get that you can tell him no. He will be upset but he won't throw a fit. He monologues and usually when we are with my folks we keep better tabs on him. Usually we will distract him by asking him to do something and when he does it on me sometimes I tell him I'm preoccupied, but I think his family doesn't get that they don't have to deal with it and ignoring it only encourages that behavior

Him having ASD explains it. I have students with ASD and they’d be showing me pics all day if I let them. I have a student who would be showing me pics of his cats for hours if I didn’t limit him. Does your husband see a professional like a therapist. My husband doesnt have ASD but has Torettes and OCD. Lots of his behaviors are due to that

Quarter life · Dec 26, 2017 at 04:57 PM

I agree 100% with Nammu. As adults we are responsible for our own entertainment, and monitoring our impulse control.

Foo Fighter · Dec 27, 2017 at 08:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Him having ASD explains it. I have students with ASD and they’d be showing me pics all day if I let them. I have a student who would be showing me pics of his cats for hours if I didn’t limit him. Does your husband see a professional like a therapist. My husband doesnt have ASD but has Torettes and OCD. Lots of his behaviors are due to that

I do see a therapist who deals with people with ASD and have been considering doing this. That is actually not a bad idea.

divine1966 · Dec 27, 2017 at 10:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Foo Fighter

I do see a therapist who deals with people with ASD and have been considering doing this. That is actually not a bad idea.

I meant not him not you.

divine1966 · Dec 27, 2017 at 10:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quarter life

I agree 100% with Nammu. As adults we are responsible for our own entertainment, and monitoring our impulse control.

So you are implying that everyone can control their impulses at all times? Regardless what disorders or disabilities they might have? That’s not realistic and not entirely correct unless we are talking about 100% healthy people completely free of any disorders. That’s not what this forum is about and certainly not this thread

Dec 27, 2017 at 01:03 PM

I still feel that this requires a 'coaching conversation'.

In the meantime, one tactic might be to get him up and involved. Try to include him in conversations and the actions of others that are going on. Find some way to otherwise keep him engaged.

divine1966 · Dec 27, 2017 at 08:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quarter life

Unless someone is a 'carer' of a child or person with diminished responsibility ...Eg: Impulse control.... Then it is not another adults responsibility to keep an adult in check imo. The OP made no reference to disability or diminished capacity in her/his husband. We all had parents at one stage...we don't need parenting from our spouse imo.

No it’s not her responsibility. But your post sounded to me as you are saying that impulse control should be easily accomplished. Maybe that’s not what you meant. He has Autism Spectrum Disorder. No, it’s not diminished capacity but impulse control isn’t as easy for him. Yes I agree she shouldn’t police him. But we should also have some compassion and understanding what he does and why other than demanding he just behaves like everyone else. It’s unrealistuc. But I agree it’s not her job

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How to keep husband from annoying people

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Foo Fighter Member Member Since Oct 2017 Location: Kansas Posts: 160 6 87 hugs given	Dec 25, 2017 at 10:01 PM #3 He brings it everywhere including other people's houses and public. I have told him that he needs to stop doing that a d he gets defensive and says I'm worrying too much. I'll try what you said and see if that gets the point across. Thanks
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Anonymous40643 Guest Posts: n/a	Dec 26, 2017 at 06:19 AM #5 I like Seeesaw's suggestions. I wonder why he does this? Do you think he doesn't feel comfortable with conversation and uses this as a way to avoid conversation? It's a great distraction.
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Carmina Poohbah Member Since Sep 2017 Location: A Growlery in the UK Posts: 1,158 7 129 hugs given	Dec 26, 2017 at 06:39 AM #6 Maybe he's just not so comfortable with face to face social encounters so needs something to hide behind or at least provide something to talk about. I do the same.
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,938 15 24.1k hugs given	Dec 26, 2017 at 09:10 AM #9 How do those he shows videos to react to him?
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Nammu Crone Member Since May 2010 Location: Some where between my inner mind and the solar system. Posts: 73,347 (SuperPoster!) 14 55.9k hugs given	Dec 26, 2017 at 01:51 PM #12 Why is his behavior your problem? It's on him and no reflection of you. Your not responsible for policing him. __________________ *Nammu* …Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …... Desiderata Max Ehrmann
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Quarter life Elder...and a bit Older Community Liaison Member Since Nov 2013 Location: My Own Orbit Posts: 6,912 10 371 hugs given	Dec 26, 2017 at 04:57 PM #15 I agree 100% with Nammu. As adults we are responsible for our own entertainment, and monitoring our impulse control. __________________ The devil whispered in my ear, "You cannot withstand the storm." I whispered back, "I am the storm."
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justafriend306 Guest Posts: n/a	Dec 27, 2017 at 01:03 PM #19 I still feel that this requires a 'coaching conversation'. In the meantime, one tactic might be to get him up and involved. Try to include him in conversations and the actions of others that are going on. Find some way to otherwise keep him engaged.
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