[purplemystery]

Recently my boyfriend of two years (age 24, I am 25) told me that he felt a bit disconnected from me. He may have said something about not feeling as much of a spark, but I'm not sure if I'm remembering correctly. We traced it back to a number of things:

1. We recently bought a house together and it turned into a tragedy because the seller concealed expensive ($20k+) defects. We've been doing our own work on the house every weekend for months and have been very depressed because of all that has happened.
2. I am in grad school, and often have a lot of hw.
3. I fall asleep very early due to exhaustion from my internship/school
4. We don't spend quite as much time together as we did in the beginning of our relationship. And when we do, we usually watch TV.
5. We haven't been eating as healthy or working out as much, and these are very important things to him. I want them to be important things to me too, but it has been difficult in grad school to keep up.
6. We haven't been having as much sex, maybe every other week on average although we try for once per week.

We've never had "big" problems in our relationship, and I always felt like I was safe and that he loved and accepted me for who I am. We've agreed to get married one day, and said we would get engaged when I graduate this year. When we were talking, I felt a bit worried and asked him if I needed to be. He said "I don't think so, but I think we should solve this before we get married." The night ended with us crying and hugging and saying we didn't want to take each other for granted. I have vowed to do better and truly want to work on all of these things.

The next day he texted me and said he was sorry for making me feel worried, and that he "didn't even know what he was saying half the time" because he was processing his feelings the previous night. He reaffirmed how much he loves me and wants to marry me, and said he felt silly for how seriously he took everything that had built up that night. In person, he said "hopefully we can fix it" because it was probably all mostly because of the house stress, and then took it back and said he "knew" we could fix it, as if he had had a slip of the tongue.

Anyway, I feel anxious because I'm afraid he has unrealistic views on relationships. Maybe he expects us to maintain the "honeymoon" type feelings? I also feel like he may want perfection from me in terms of eating/working out, and although I truly want to and know this isnt an excuse, it is very hard to do it all in grad school. I am committing to working harder, but I'm afraid of what will happen if I fail--if I will be good enough for him. I have had healthy and not so healthy phases in my life, although I dont necessarily have a health/fitness identity at the moment (though I want it to be a part of me). I think he looked at our life and freaked out, and felt these current habits aren't the lifestyle he wants forever. I do think he had a moment of doubt and I'm trying to tell myself how very normal that is. But it hurts that he said he "didn't think" I had anything to worry about. In hard times, will we crumble from the stress? I have felt this snap me awake and realize I can't take my relationship for granted, and tune in to my own feelings of disconnection from him (occasionally). I guess I'm looking for reassurance as to "normality", as well as ideas on how to continue having more conversations about our relationship. Should I bring up surfaced insecurities when I feel like I see my relationship in a different way after we had this talk, or is it best to focus on problem solving?

Originally Posted by purplemystery

Should I bring up surfaced insecurities when I feel like I see my relationship in a different way after we had this talk, or is it best to focus on problem solving?

I think it is natural given all that you're doing and going through that there is a bit of a down phase in the relationship. That is not to say it cannot come back up again.

I would talk to him about the expectations in the relationship & about who you are. You don't have to pretend to be someone you're not. I, too, go through exercise phases and would want my husband to be to know that I cannot always be "on".

I don't think you really have anything to worry about though. He loves you, he reassured you that he wants to marry you and seems very committed. But a conversation about all this would be healthy to clear the air so to speak and to set realistic expectations for the relationship.

You certainly don't have to perfect... and every relationship will experience life difficulties that must be managed somehow --- but it's ok if there's a down phase, which is totally understandable. Just know that when things go down, inevitably they will come back up again, the sun will shine again and the sky will clear.

Perhaps make a romantic date night too during all of this for just the two of you.

HUGS.

It actually sounds to me like a very normal phase in a relationship. My husband and I have been together 14 years. Not all of those years have been perfect. I guarantee you there were points we both thought: this isn't how our life was supposed to be. The good news is that things go back up again, the hard parts don't last forever. I would advise you to keep talking about your feelings together. Never stop talking. Each of you give the best you have to give. Remember how much you love each other and this phase too shall pass.