Has he done enough?

I kicked my b/f out 7 months ago...because there had been ongoing drug use that was torturing our relationship.

The last year he was here I wanted him to leave and he wouldn't...then my youngest son needed to come home to live because he started having seizures and he needed to be somewhere where someone could watch him until they figured out how to stabilize his seizures.

I then used the "law" to evict my boyfriend. I have always deeply loved my boyfriend with the exception of his drug habit...and I am an alcoholic that was actively drinking at the time he was here...so I excused his behaviors alot because my behaviors were bad. I understand addiction very well and know he loves me but was unable to stop the drug for us..and I know why..addiction is powerful.

He had just found a job previous to me kicking him out and he hadn't worked for the 3 years previously....Its a good job...he is doing SO GOOD...He at the present thou..only has a week clean...where I have a month.

I attend AA daily...he does his recovery his way....

We both want to be back together..thinking the 180 he has done with the job and the effort to quit using...may be enough to keep us both on the straight and narrow...

We both struggle with income..but together now with his job we would be FINE.

My son does absolutely nothing here...pays nothing...and is stable now with his seizures...My son keeps telling me how happy he is to be home...He is 28...He HATES, LOATHES and despises my b/f.

However, my other immediate family members...parents and sisters...say to me that they have never seen me so happy as when I am with him..and they said it is "obvious" by looking at us when we are together that we are "in love".

He has so many postive traits that he added to the relationship when I was with him..and now he has more with his job and confidence level....

He doesn't understand WHY I don't give our relationship another chance.
He has offered to GIVE my son his apartment fully furnished...and closer to my sons work...and a very cheap rent of 600 a month in a beautiful area near a lake...a perfect bachelor pad.

But, my son does not even know I am talking to him...Since my sons seizures are caused by anxiety, sleep deprivation and poor diet..I try to do everything I can not to stress him out.

So, I am 53 years old and living my life for my son?

I sometimes think this seperation is good for me because of my mental health..seems to be improving with sobriety and meetings....But at other times...I miss him so much and he thinks his progress should show that he loves me dearly..he is never going to give up.

He just texted me last night and asked if we could see each other this weekend..and I said NO...because the Thursday before Christmas I saw him and we "made love"...In all other relationships I had...it was just sex as a job...after a number of years..but with him even after 4 years...it is making love...its a mutual enjoyment and always a pleasure.

I think sex is very important in a relationship and I have never felt this close and this trusting with anyone ever and don't think I ever could again.

He had always been faithful...made me #1...and I did the same for him.

I just miss him...and know if my son wasn't here...I would have him back here...it would make both our lives easier.

I think he has made enough of a change...learned his lessons...and knows what he has to work on....I have learned many lessons...and I still melt when I see him...which is why NOW I am staying away from him...because it is so confusing as to why I am chosing my son over MY happiness...and relationships.

I do not think he has had enough time clean to be stable. Not saying it can't work, just need to be careful. Continue dating him. Live in separate places. Wait 6 months to make sure it's steady and stable before considering moving back in togetger. Maybe even a year. A month is not a very long time to be clean either. It's a great accomolishment, but you need to work on recovery longer and make sure you continue your self care.

Why can't you continue to date for 6 months and see how it is at that time? Make a commitment to both of you being healthy?

Seesaw

I agree with seesaw.

He has been clean for one week. Given the past, I would want far more commitment to sober living than that.

Remember that your boyfriend is on perhaps his best behavior now, so as to persuade you to allow him to move back in. Remember what it was like when he was living with you. Remember that you had to evict him after wanting him to leave for one full year.

Remember these things and take your time.

Why does your son loathe your boyfriend?

Given your son's medical issues, it seems to me that the next logical step is to develop a plan for informing your son that your boyfriend is back in your life. Moving in can wait.

Let your boyfriend earn moving in by being clean. Don't accept his promises to be clean, don't let him off the hook because "addiction is powerful", don't let him move in because you might feel shame about your own use.

Moving in can wait.

Good God, he needs at least a YEAR clean before you should even consider anything with him.

Stop putting effort into this - your description of him doing recovery "his way" pretty much says it all. He shouldn't be involved in ANY relationship while trying to recover.

Find someone more available and healthy or be alone.

I agree with the above posters. Your bf needs at least 6 months to a year clean before considering a move back in. Often drugs users relapse. You know this. You know how hard addiction is to break. It seems you are not living for your son necessarily, but should be able to tell your son you are communicating with your bf and are considering getting back together. But again, I would wait a much longer period of time and like someone said, he needs to earn his way back in.

seesaw..bill...molin..golden...
You have NO IDEA how much you helped me...my gut knows this is good the seperation...but my old habits and missing someone this bad...clouds my judgement.

I always feel so sad..when he asks if I think he has made good progress..and yes he has...and I love him so much and he loves me so much...and we are both codependent...

Bill asked why my son doesn't like him:
2 of my sons don't...

My oldest just because Danny (my b/f) was living here not having to work because I allowed that and wanted that for the first year he was here...I was struggling after leaving a job...I had a severence...he made me happy...we did things other than get drunk and him do drugs...I drank about 1x a month..but very badly...he used every day.

And then when I did want Danny to go to work...he didn't....and my son is also addicted to crack...so his problem was mostly money.

My youngest...when he first met him..he asked him if my Mom tries to drink can you promise you will stop her? And he said I can't promise you that.because your mother is an adult and if she wants to drink I can't stop her. THAT was NOT what my son wanted to hear...but on Dannys behalf...Danny HAD NO IDEA at the TIME why my son said that. Because I hadn't drank in 8 years and 2 of them were with Danny...Danny had never seen me take a drink at that time.

My youngest says he doesn't care....and he SHOULD have known if a son was asking it was a problem....SO...there is no changing his mind either.

Really, I was thinking 6 months to watch him and see if he is sober...I know I am going to work as hard as I can to STAY sober.

And we can't continue dating because he is wasting time...he is a very loving guy...and has been honest and said ...he just CANT be alone...I know him and i know that is the only reason...it is not just SEX...it is needing a companion...he is codependent..and so am I...but I have spent time alone and know how..he doesn't.....I understand he can't.

Anyway..he has been trying for 7 months since he left to win me over and he has so many good points...our money together..we could be driving a new car with a payment...and with all my time off...I could love him to death..take care of our parents who we spent quite a bit of time with...now we both miss doing THAT together and would do it to stay sober......BUT...Everything happens for a reason...God has us seperated..it was very hard for me to do that too...but it was the right thing.

And now I am doing the right thing...as much as it is hurting me (my stomach is in constant knots)....

Thank YOU ALL SO SO MUCH...I knew my gut said stay away for a bit...

and my heart and soul...and MIND...say your not going to live maybe that long...and don't you want to be comfortable sleeping next to him, right up to him...and his warmth?

My heart, mind and soul will always win if I dont ask logical advise...I'm not logical in that way...and I don't know why I want to be...but sometimes it is for the better says GUT.