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hexd
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Member Since: Jan 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 3
5 yr Member
Default Jan 01, 2018 at 07:51 AM
  #1
I've been with my boyfriend for three years and we have a son together, born at the beginning of 2017.
Before our son was born, our relationship was rocky and fueled with mutual bouts of mental health struggles, moreso on his end when he lost his job and went into a depression. His depression manifests very differently from mine, especially since he doesn't see the importance of mental health treatment and maintainance. In hindsight, it caused a lot of problems back then and I broke up with him on multiple occasions, bit I always came back because I do love him deeply as a person (we have a 10 year past), and I was still hopeful we could fight together, as I can empathize.
After I had my son, I had a really awful bout of post partum depression and needed his support more than ever...but he didn't really know what to do except for listen...which is a lot during some moments, but I needed him to carry some weight, even offer practical reprieves like sleep or baby sitting, but it became clear he could not do that. He works a lot, and while I am understanding of that, it's always been an excuse to leave me to my own devices, which feels very isolating because I don't have much support or help outside of him.
Fast forward 9 months, and as I've been working my way out of the hole I just see him falling deeper into, and become more apathetic about it. Whenever I try to talk to him about it, he expressed awareness of his funk, but no interest in doing anything about it, and a skepticism of any treatments.
Because of this, we are struggling financially because the job he's at is kind of a greasy wheel gets the oil type deal sometimes (meaning he has to secure his shifts sometimes), and he'll often just not do it and skip a whole days earnings, which we can't really afford because we're already on debt and I can't work because it's more affordable to stay home.
But I want better for us, and I have plans to start school in the spring. In my mind I'm partly inspired to use my education to become self sufficient enough to leave him. He doesn't know these feelings, but knows our household is affected by his health and I am concerned. I've tried an emphathetic approach, practical solutions to make life easier, pleads, etc. It's gotten to the point where he can be careless with the safety of our son, but he doesn't seem to really care.
I am tired, angry and feel trapped. I don't know how to help him, and I really need to focus on my own health so we can better our opportunities for our kids, because he has no plans of doing so. I really just don't know what to do to coexist peacefully enough to help him maintain headspace to provide for us, and not drown under his weight while working on my goals too.

Thank you if you've read this all, and any insight would be appreciated. I feel so out of control, and I don't want the life he can offer to share with me.
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Misssy2
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Default Jan 01, 2018 at 09:05 AM
  #2
Is it an issue that you have no where else to go?
I don't think staying with him while attending school and trying to care for a baby is a very good idea.

This baby is now in the midst of a domestic situation that no baby should be brought in to.

I tell you this because I essentially did the same thing to my children...kept making deals with myself..that I was going to stay until such and such a thing happened and then I was going to move out.

All the aruging...and just the general feeling of "anxiety" and "tension" in relationship is noticed by the baby even if the baby is unable to speak...Its never good for a baby to be involved in a toxic relationship.

In hindsight I WISH I knew the damage I was causing to my children..I always thought that because it was just he and I arguing and we never yelled at the children and we always showed them love, affection and attention that they would be ok...

This is not the case...a hostile environment leads to unstable children who later in life also can't chose healthy relationships because they were taught more on how to survive in unhealthy relationships.

To be a the best Mom you can be...its necessary at ALL expense to get yourself and your child out of this environment...and then let the problems be worked out from a distance if at all possible.

If you stay..until you are done with school...you are doing a disservice to your child.

__________________
"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell"
(My girlfriend had this ringtone for my phone calls...lol)

Bipolar 1
Anxiety

Current Medications:
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hexd
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Member Since: Jan 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 3
5 yr Member
Default Jan 01, 2018 at 10:18 AM
  #3
@Misssy2 Thank you for your response! I unfortunately do not have anywhere else to go, or much work experience to get a job that would support us without taking all my time away from ym
kids. We have one car that he takes to work so there's that too. I understand what you're saying about not taking on school with a baby, but the way I've timed it is that when my oldest kid starts school (i also have a five year old from previous relationship), a family member has offered to help out by putting the baby in daycare. I'm starting with a light load at first, and most of the program is online so I figure if I can stick it out, it will be worth it in the future.
I can tell the tension has already affected my oldest, and it breaks my heart. But that's more motivation for me to get an education so show what all can be achieved through adversity, and the importance of not settling into a situation that leave you dependent. I also have this big anxiety that my boyfriend will hard either himself or me if I leave right now, so that makes me cautious. Cautious to even address things with him at all anymore.
How did you manage to leave, and how did your kids take the split?
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