Moving Out?

I’m getting up the nerve to go rent an apartment for me and my son and move out of this haunted, hell house and husband.

I just need support.

Hope you'll make it.

When something is hard to do, we don't always succeed the first try. One failure doesn't mean you won't succeed this time. Try to learn from your past mistakes. Should you have planned better? Should you have spent less time with your H once you had made the decision to go? Try not to let guilt get the upper hand. Marriage vows mean something to us but on the otherhand your relationship is literally killing you and you have put you H and children before your own needs for a very, very long time. You have problems but they are impossible to rise above when your husband causes you so much stress.

And just like that, I’m not. My friend said I better not leave the marital home for money reasons, she’s right. Then she cheered me up talking about taking her mother to see the new 50 Shades movie. Then she reminded me how I never leave him and always go through this hell, and how she wants us to come down and buy her lunch. So that’s the plan today, one big, dysfunctional family.

My h gets along with my gf’s. He can be one of the girls. Yet he’s straight. He even likes to take me shopping. If only I didn’t suffer this hellish struggle over the sex...he’’s perfect.

I won’t put my needs over my child’s. He likes his friends and his school. He told me he wants to stay in our house because he loves our house. It’s where he was born. It’s all he knows. So I thought I’d rent us an apartment zoned for his school, move out while my house is getting repaired, then just sell it.

I’m really never escaping this. My apologies to everyone here who I frustrate with my back/forth craziness.

Is it really in your child's best interest to see his mother be miserable and have a terrible marriage/relationship modeled for him? My parents went along on this philosophy...and I have c-PTSD. Just saying. Your needs and your happiness benefit your child.

Having experienced extreme swings in income for the last few years, I have found that anxiety about becoming poor is worse than being poor. As long as you have enough money for shelter, food and medical care--money does not make us any happier. Time marches on for us all. When you are at the end of your life--what do you think would make you feel the best about yourself--that you were loyal to your husband or that you were assertive and took a chance. What is it that you want the most in life? You say you will lose money if you leave. What else do you lose?

Your son will not be in school much longer--what would your life be like if you openly planned to end the marriage upon his graduation (and begin making all the arrangements, perhaps divorce before his graduation but stick around)? Would your husband woo you back? Make your life H***? or both?

Sometimes I wonder if your problems with sex are caused by something other than your H. Of course you both have settled into a bad pattern--one that started years ago but it may go much deeper than that......

I know. My kids have seen this toxic relationship for their whole lives. I am so proud of them for being as healthy and great as they are. My little one said last year, during a blow up, “I don’t care if you get divorced or not, just stop this!” But nothing changed. I’m so sorry about the toxic relationship they had to be the children of. And I’ve always talked with them about how what they see is not normal, not healthy, and what is healthy.

But what can I do? I can’t stop having trauma reactions, panic attacks, depression, toxic relationship with my husband. I can’t bring myself to end the marriage.

One psy said “This is never going to end.”

So one psy said that 'this is never going to end.' You don't have to believe him. In fact, why not prove him wrong? Why not prove to yourself and to your kids that you can stand on your own two feet and not put up with abuse. Why not show your kids what it means to be strong? Your own child told you to stop it. Why not stop it? He/she doesn't want to hear it anymore. Don't ignore that. Why keep telling them what is healthy when you can show them? Actions speak louder than words.

There has to be a way to treat it. I know that most therapists and psychologists haven't helped you but I say try another one. There must be a way to at least partially help you suffer less.....

I’m so glad my friend called. She knew it’s Saturday morning and we’re battling ‘cause that’s the way it always is. She earned her sandwich and was much better than any psy ever was. She called herself the Marriage Whisperer.

She texted me,

Tisha, don't you think that if you moved out, some of your problems would end?

Yes. The marriage will end, and the marriage (specifically the sexual initiation) IS the problem.

Well then, there ya' go. You know the solution to the problem. Only you can solve it.

Do you think you have put yourself in this box because despite all the pain you inflict on each other you are afraid of hurting your H? Guilt is a very powerful motivator and way to manipulate someone....

I'm glad that you see this. My parents were in absolute denial about it.

What can you do? Move out. Pursue your happiness and show them that self-care is important. Model healthy behavior for them. Show them they don't have to stay in a bad situation, that they have the ability to choose.

You can stop your reactions, with therapy and hard work, and REMOVING yourself from the toxic relationship, you can change things for yourself. But you choose not to. Because the pain of changing seems greater to you than the pain of living with it for the rest of your life. By staying in the marriage, you re-traumatize yourself and can't get past any of your trauma symptoms...For you to move forward and heal, you will have to remove yourself from the trauma itself.

I will be honest, I do not know how you look at the rest of your life in this situation, knowing how miserable you will be, and don't want to change it in a real way. I say that you don't want to change it because you choose to continue to suffer through it. Martyring yourself for god knows who.

I know I am being a little tough, but it's only because I want to see a happy and healthy TishaBuv.

Why do you choose to stay? (I haven't read much of your other threads)