[Albatross2008]

OK, first some background. To form an accurate mental image of what's going on, you'd probably need it. List of facts:

1.) My husband works second-shift hours. I stay at home, because I'm unable to work. He can't be reached or called back. He's a bus driver and doesn't have a personal cell phone. If I need to contact him in an emergency, I have to call the dispatch office and talk to a supervisor.

2.) In a previous marriage to a man now passed away, his employer rebuked him because I called him at work two or three times daily. He worked as a parking lot attendant and was in the booth alone. My calls did not interfere with productivity. Still, it was seen as clinginess on my part, and his boss asked him to tell me to knock it off.

3.) Around the same time, I read a letter in an advice column from a man whose wife called him two or three times a day while he was at work. In this case too, opinion was that she is being immature and neurotic, and needs to grow up and learn to be without him for a few hours.

So, my husband calls me from work quite a bit. I don't mind, and look forward to, a call on his lunch break which is usually some time during the 7:00 hour. He may also call again before he gets off, to see if I need him to stop at the store for anything. But sometimes his calls get excessive. He's just called me three times within an hour and a half. I'm trying to wind down and relax before I go to bed. That's difficult to do with the phone ringing literally every thirty minutes. Does anybody besides me think that's just a little excessive?

I've complained about it before. If I ask others for opinions, feedback is that I should be glad my husband wants to hear the sound of my voice. If I say anything to him, he'll punish me by not calling at all. He doesn't seem to grasp that I'm only saying don't call as often, not don't call.

Notice the double standard? Wife initiates the calls, she's clingy and immature and needs to grow up. Husband initiates the calls, he's sweet and romantic.

I thought we had it resolved, the last time I said something. Yes, he punished me for speaking up, by not calling at all for several days. I finally convinced him that I do want him to call, just not so often. And that went fine for a while, but now it's building up to excessive again.

What's going on here? Am I being unreasonable?

[lady411]

Originally Posted by Arbie

OK, first some background. To form an accurate mental image of what's going on, you'd probably need it. List of facts:

1.) My husband works second-shift hours. I stay at home, because I'm unable to work. He can't be reached or called back. He's a bus driver and doesn't have a personal cell phone. If I need to contact him in an emergency, I have to call the dispatch office and talk to a supervisor.

2.) In a previous marriage to a man now passed away, his employer rebuked him because I called him at work two or three times daily. He worked as a parking lot attendant and was in the booth alone. My calls did not interfere with productivity. Still, it was seen as clinginess on my part, and his boss asked him to tell me to knock it off.

3.) Around the same time, I read a letter in an advice column from a man whose wife called him two or three times a day while he was at work. In this case too, opinion was that she is being immature and neurotic, and needs to grow up and learn to be without him for a few hours.

So, my husband calls me from work quite a bit. I don't mind, and look forward to, a call on his lunch break which is usually some time during the 7:00 hour. He may also call again before he gets off, to see if I need him to stop at the store for anything. But sometimes his calls get excessive. He's just called me three times within an hour and a half. I'm trying to wind down and relax before I go to bed. That's difficult to do with the phone ringing literally every thirty minutes. Does anybody besides me think that's just a little excessive?

I've complained about it before. If I ask others for opinions, feedback is that I should be glad my husband wants to hear the sound of my voice. If I say anything to him, he'll punish me by not calling at all. He doesn't seem to grasp that I'm only saying don't call as often, not don't call.

Notice the double standard? Wife initiates the calls, she's clingy and immature and needs to grow up. Husband initiates the calls, he's sweet and romantic.

I thought we had it resolved, the last time I said something. Yes, he punished me for speaking up, by not calling at all for several days. I finally convinced him that I do want him to call, just not so often. And that went fine for a while, but now it's building up to excessive again.

What's going on here? Am I being unreasonable?

My question to you is: Why do you say that your husband "punishes you"?
To me this sounds like he's your father or an instructor of some sort. Your husband is your partner not your authority figure.
I do see a miscommunication in how you express to him your feelings about him calling you so often and his interpretation of your words.

[Albatross2008]

He won't call it punishment, but that's what it feels like. Maybe "payback" or "getting even" might be a better word. If I speak up because he's calling me too often, *even if I do say* I want him to call me on his lunch break, he won't call me at all for a while.

[hvert]

No, I don't think you are unreasonable. Excessive calls are really annoying. So is a variation of the silent treatment when you ask someone to not call so often.

Why do you think he's doing it? Does he not understand what's reasonable? What would happen if you didn't answer when you didn't feel like talking to him?

[Albatross2008]

He might assume I'm asleep. But I'd feel bad.

By giving you the silent treatment by not calling he is punishing you. He is being passive-aggressive. https://blogs.psychcentral.com/thera...-stop-it-cold/