Circle "he got me really mad and then makes me forgive

I just dont know what to do.
I was totally mad to my bf, he asked me to join session with his T, I did it expressing my anger but forgave.
Then he couldnt understand and was selfish so I avoided from him.
Then he made nice suprice to me and we spent two nice days together, he said that after our session with his T, his T opened his eyes and he realized how much bad he did to me.
I thought everything is okay but he still was jealous and when I didnt replie him for less then hour because I was in shower, he came to my house without asking just because I didnt hear his 7 calls. I had panic attack because it was 3rd time he comes to my house without asking and for me its like emotional violence. I said he is not normal, I told him to go away, I felt haunted if its right word. Next day he said how guilty he feels but he ruined my day and in my head I blamed him for bad things which happened after this. But my heart wanted to forget. My friend said- you can forgive him thousand times if you wish. My T said I dont love him. Yeah I texted my T that I feel so bad that Im afraid to do selfharn and she said I can see her today.
Today he sent me flowers through company. Sure it makes me forget.

I dont know what to do because it happens just too often. He leads me to thoughts of leaving him and then do everything to make me forgive. I cant be so heartless. I dont know what I feel. Its hard to be with someone who controls me all the time but I always believe he could stop it.

It doesn't seem like an healthy relationship. I'd suggest to break it up. From what you wrote, it seems like even your T agrees.. and if the counselling isn't working, I think that may be the only solution.

Trust your gut feelings of leaving him. It seems you do want to leave him, but he keeps pulling you back in with apologies. That doesn't work. If he's controlling, that won't change. This seems unhealthy, like Mickey says. Perhaps work with your therapist on how to leave the relationship.

Showing up announced is a NO NOfor me. Two times I briefly dated men who showed up unannounced. In one case my daughter was still young and this man showed up at bed time!!! He wasn’t even introduced to my daughter! Wasn’t any kind of emergency. She was like mommy who is at the door. Gee. I’d only understand showing up if you suspect person is unconscious or passed away or something. This guy is bad news. You can do better. Hang in there

I feel heartless when he cries and prays for forgiveness ((

I understand how you feel but he is an adult. It’s not like a child crying. If he is distraught he should seek help. You aren’t his doctor. And he is likely manipulating you so you take him back

I agree with divine.

Your bf cannot "make" you forgive.

When he is doing ***** I want to get away from him but when he says sorry and is really kind everything changes.
And I cant understand my feelings.
We almost got married because we were sure about each other.

P. S. Im not as good as it seens because I have a crush on my doc but I know we cant be together.

Maybe I need time to understand what to do. Its not that simple because Im difficult and lost my way.

This sounds like the cycle of abuse. He is nice for a bit but then gets abusive and manipulative again.

As the one in relationships who has been in the role of crying and praying for forgiveness, I will tell you that it can be emotional manipulation. If you continue to let it work, then the behavior that caused you to be upset will happen again.

Trust your instincts. If this relationship doesn't feel right, it's not right. I feel like the only thing we truly owe each other in relationships is respect, and staying with him because you feel badly isn't respecting him, it's basically lying to him, and it isn't very respectful to yourself, either.

Good luck to you. I hope it all works out soon!

I feel like there is emotional violence sometimes and T said I need to set boundaries to protect myself. I cant because I cant even imagine how to do it.

Sure I am upset. I have difficulties with money because I was at psych hospital for two months and cant work full time. My bf gives money for food, driving, sometimes buys me sonething and I feel guilty. He bought me smartphone.
He does many things for me but...
He emotionally destroys me.
Our sex life is ok, I never want it but when it happens I enjoy it.
I feel under his control like he doesnt let me breath but if I left him.. I know all his family, everyone knows we are engaged.
Im almost 30 and Im afraid to stay alone.
Im afraid to hurt him because he tries for me.
I feel something for him but Im not sure its love. Addiction? Attachment? I dont know but I also dont know HOW TO STOP IT.
I feel like there is no way out. I know I wont be happy with him but also without him. But I dont know what is worse.