[Lolina]

Hello guys,

I would love to have your guidance on this subject.

My relationship with some women at work has never been easy.

I have been bullied in the past mainly by women who just talk behind my back and if the environment is toxic and the person has lots of influence more or less people would follow.

In the past few years I mature a lot and understood lots of women act like that when they feel threaten or because of jealousy or just to make themselves look important and bigger.

I have never been the type to let myself intimidated or to follow like a sheep but emotionally it was draining as I would feel uncomfortable, some people would go as far as to not say good morning to me in a former job.

Here the atmosphere is quite good and I am leaving next week, but it has not been peaceful everyday though because of one Assistant..

I am working in a pool of 4 Assistants, each of us has teams of our own and there is no hierarchical link between us.

One of them is very controlling, drama queen and manipulative and the 2 others are literally sucking her. The fact that she is very authoritative she has lots of relationships (I live in a country where bullies are rewarded and feared).

So a few of these women at the beginning who used to talk to me normally, when things get bitter with controlling colleagues started to give me the cold shoulder when she is there and act warmly when she is not.

One of those women I told her openly what I thought about her behavior because she arrived one day and did not say good morning so I told her to do so when she arrive in the place as it is a mark of respect for everyone, she did so but would keep her distance when the woman is around.

The two other colleagues with whom I had normal relationships, I even used to go to lunch with them, changed as well, I mean by that that once I ask Miss Drama about an email if she read it, she yelled at me and said that she did not care, and she doesn't want to speak to me and to leave her alone, all of this in a very loud tone.

I stayed calm and compose and told her that we were at work and this crazy attitude was not alright, I told her manager about it and ask my Manager for advice too. He advice me to stay away from her and to just do my work. The two other colleagues Assistant did not say anything in my favor, they remain silent and did not talk to me a lot, but they would just talk to her a lot, flatter her and show her things.
THe thing is she is on holidays since yesterday and the two other asslickers colleagues are having another attitude towards me, in the morning they would just reply "good morning", and now are asking me "how I am", I just say fine and did not ask them back.

What I find crazy is that these women are 60, they will retire next year, they don't have any hierarchical link with Miss Hysterical and have the same rights yet they try to please her as if she was very important. They are quite submissive and hypocrite which is awful, I stay civil but I am really disgusted by them.

I am leaving next week so I am organising lunches with the people I like and I will limit my interactions with them as much as possible, but I don't want to spoil the ambiance either. So its not easy :-/.

So what do you guys think of these types of people? Why on earth are people like that?

I have the impression the more polite and correct you are with people, the more they try to bring you drama.

Ps: a friend of mine said they don't want to support me as I am leaving soon and I am the most reasonable one, they fear the consequences of the other women. So my question is why grown up women are like that, they are suppose to be an example for their kids and grankids so there is something I can't understand really. Maybe that's why this society is so ******.

Originally Posted by Lolina

Hello guys,

I would love to have your guidance on this subject.

My relationship with some women at work has never been easy.

I have been bullied in the past mainly by women who just talk behind my back and if the environment is toxic and the person has lots of influence more or less people would follow.

In the past few years I mature a lot and understood lots of women act like that when they feel threaten or because of jealousy or just to make themselves look important and bigger.

I have never been the type to let myself intimidated or to follow like a sheep but emotionally it was draining as I would feel uncomfortable, some people would go as far as to not say good morning to me in a former job.

Here the atmosphere is quite good and I am leaving next week, but it has not been peaceful everyday though because of one Assistant..

I am working in a pool of 4 Assistants, each of us has teams of our own and there is no hierarchical link between us.

One of them is very controlling, drama queen and manipulative and the 2 others are literally sucking her. The fact that she is very authoritative she has lots of relationships (I live in a country where bullies are rewarded and feared).

So a few of these women at the beginning who used to talk to me normally, when things get bitter with controlling colleagues started to give me the cold shoulder when she is there and act warmly when she is not.

One of those women I told her openly what I thought about her behavior because she arrived one day and did not say good morning so I told her to do so when she arrive in the place as it is a mark of respect for everyone, she did so but would keep her distance when the woman is around.

The two other colleagues with whom I had normal relationships, I even used to go to lunch with them, changed as well, I mean by that that once I ask Miss Drama about an email if she read it, she yelled at me and said that she did not care, and she doesn't want to speak to me and to leave her alone, all of this in a very loud tone.

I stayed calm and compose and told her that we were at work and this crazy attitude was not alright, I told her manager about it and ask my Manager for advice too. He advice me to stay away from her and to just do my work. The two other colleagues Assistant did not say anything in my favor, they remain silent and did not talk to me a lot, but they would just talk to her a lot, flatter her and show her things.
THe thing is she is on holidays since yesterday and the two other asslickers colleagues are having another attitude towards me, in the morning they would just reply "good morning", and now are asking me "how I am", I just say fine and did not ask them back.

What I find crazy is that these women are 60, they will retire next year, they don't have any hierarchical link with Miss Hysterical and have the same rights yet they try to please her as if she was very important. They are quite submissive and hypocrite which is awful, I stay civil but I am really disgusted by them.

I am leaving next week so I am organising lunches with the people I like and I will limit my interactions with them as much as possible, but I don't want to spoil the ambiance either. So its not easy :-/.

So what do you guys think of these types of people? Why on earth are people like that?

I have the impression the more polite and correct you are with people, the more they try to bring you drama.

Ps: a friend of mine said they don't want to support me as I am leaving soon and I am the most reasonable one, they fear the consequences of the other women. So my question is why grown up women are like that, they are suppose to be an example for their kids and grankids so there is something I can't understand really. Maybe that's why this society is so ******.

There are more followers than leaders in this world. If these women were younger then I would say they were possibly clueless but at 60, they know what is going on and are trying not to get involved. I have worked at some places where when I called someone out for bad behavior, I was then told not to interfere (these are cases where I was not the person's direct supervisor)--the bad actor denied it and no one else spoke up/wanted to get involved. Looking back, I realized that I lacked the perseverance required to make a difference--I have a problem with anxiety and it gets activated during confrontations, then I would get too emotional and need to focus on grounding myself. Even if these women do not want to get deeply involved, there is no reason for them to give you the cold shoulder though many people who have been in the same workplace a very long time survived it by keeping to themselves and doing what they must but never going above and beyond......

[TishaBuv]

I had similar to this happen to me. I was so shocked to see how the bully women lobbied the other women to also be icy to me. I have no idea what they told them. It had to have been a lie. I simply left the religious organization where it happened.

Then a funny thing happened. I was on the other side of the country at a famous tourist spot of natural beauty, and I ran into one of the ‘mean girls’. I called out, “What are you doing here?” It was hilarious to see my bully in this spot of magnificent freedom. It was like, wherever you go, there you are! I put my arm around her and took a photo of us standing there together and laughed.

At least you are leaving the job and won’t have to deal with this situation any more.

[Lolina]

@Hopingtrying: thank you, I thought I was crazy or too rigid. Today, there is only one of the Assistant, Miss Bully is on holidays till my departure and another is off till Tuesday, on Monday I will be on my own. I limit my communication to the maximum with her. It just stays professional and serious. I really have a problem with weak/unfair people like that and the trouble is that world is full of them. I wish it was the other way around.

@Tishabuv: I don't think its necessarily a lie, I have the impression some people will just follow the person they perceive as the one who can bring them trouble. So if you are kind they won't.
I tend to ignore people who hurt me whether present or past. So you became friend with her then.

I have a hard time to forgive, I just can't stand when people are unfair. I know we all have our weakness and I am not perfect but pretending and being selfish to others pain or adding to it is just horrible to me.

[TishaBuv]

Even though she was one of the bullies, I found it like a sign from above to see her in such a magical place, so I embraced her like a friend in that moment. It made the whole incident roll off me because it really seemed like God speaking to me, like “you can run but you can’t hide”, so you may as well just accept people as they are and let go of the hurt. I wouldn’’t say I became her friend, but if I saw her around town, I’d say hello and she’d probably say hello back.

[Lolina]

@TishaBuv: Ok, I see and I understand. I do accept and respect people as they are, but I don't like when they want to control or manipulate me or are doing unfair things that they would not have like done unto them.

Sometimes I feel like I don't belong to this world seriously.

[TishaBuv]

Nobody likes when they are hurt by others. You have every reason to feel hurt. Its especially rough when you don’t even know what you did and why they ostracized you.

Consider that this woman is actually quite ill at ease and low on confidence and self-esteem. It is very common for such persons to cultivate and surround themselves with 'underlings' and create a pyramid of self-importance and social standing. They depend on this pyramid to hold up their mask of confidence. This pyramid is tenuous though - all the more they try to strengthen it by undermining and perhaps bullying those not included. In addition, they rely on exclusion to make others feel ill at ease.

You threaten this very structure which in turn strengthens the efforts to exclude you.

The subordinates and underlings also feel threatened as they are dependent upon the feeling of inclusion in the group.

You are better than this ridiculous silliness and consider yourself lucky that you are seen as a strong personality. I would simply try to be gracious, not play the game, hold my head high, and do my own thing.

[graystreet]

I've been dealing with this type of behavior throughout my career in the medical field. It's usually me, because I'm very inept at knowing how to put up with it (and so I tend to react poorly). But, eventually, the group will move on to someone else they deem as weak. Someone will make a mistake, or call in sick too many times, or do some other thing they don't like, and I'm off the hook for a little while. I've finally decided that they don't sign my checks, and as long as my manager and administration doesn't have a problem with me, I will choose to do my best and separate myself from this negative behavior. I know it's difficult, but at the end of the day, it's more about them than it is about you.

[Lolina]

Hello guys,
Just wanted to thank you. I feel way better after reading you. The truth is that a lot of people are like that. They just dont want to bother. They prefer to use the easy way. They are not even aware that they are creating monsters that way by not putting any limits and the situation might turn against them as well

[eskielover]

That is why I enjoyed my computer engineering career & working with mostly ALL men. Honestly many women can be so petty (not limiting it to just work environment).

I am now in a community where the women are all great & not petty but then again, now I am in a farming community & most of the women are horse people, single with their own farms & know hard work & that commonality seems to tie us together.

I have always felt uncomfortable sround women because I just don't think like them but sm now finding there are many who are ok. It depends on environment & circumstances. I just always stayed away while prifessionally doing MY JOB when I was in an environment with women like you describe.