I can't clear my conscious...

I feel like I have done something aweful and single handedly ruined a family...

I was dating this really sweet guy for almost 6 months, and about a year ago, I was at a party with him at his house and everyone got drunk and was being stupid... I was looking for N. but I couldn't find him.

I walked into his room and his brother was in there. I asked him if he saw N. and he just stared at me, so I just went to leave.. he grabbed me and forced me in the room... He raped me and then just left...

When I got my strength back I just left the house and went straight to the police... They went to the house and arrested him infront of everyone that was still there... When N. finally found out what happened he was destroyed... we broke up... But we still talked every once in a while..

About a month ago he called me one night and just started screaming at me.... He said I ruined his family... That if it wasn't for me his brother would still be there, his mom wouldn't be depressed all the time and his dad wouldn't be an alchoholic.... I couldn't understand why he would say that **** to me... I didn't ask for this...

I haven't been able to sleep... I can't get his words out of my head... I feel so guilty... I didn't want to hurt him... But he says I ruined everything.... I feel despicable...

I empathize immensely with you, Artimus and wish to e-hug you.

You are not at fault here, to blame, are guilty or anything similarly. Please, do not allow yourself to be convinced that you are. Moreover, you are the victim.

The guy is engaging in emotional and psychological abuse and manipulation towards you. To quickly elaborate, he is projecting (actions, feelings and so on) unto you as if you were the person possessing the feelings, committing the actions and so forth when you are not. Additionally, he is shifting the blame unto you when you are not to blame. He is falsely holding you responsible for actions and consequences for which you are not responsible. He is also attempting to convince you of invented guilt when there is nothing of which you are guilty.

Instead of accepting that his brother is responsible, guilty and to blame, is projecting the aforesaid traits unto you. He is seemingly attempting to emotionally and psychologically hurt you when you are already hurting (from prior physical events and, maybe, breaking up with him.)

A victim is not guilty. A victim is not to blame. A victim is not responsible. With that said, there are people, who will try to claim otherwise. Those claims are horrific, horrifically lacking in empathy and understanding, logically unreasonable and morally skewed.

He seems to be unwilling to accept the circumstances for what they are, how they came to be and so on. You are strong. Please, do not let this bring you down.

I totally agree with crushed soul. Not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong.

That family was already messed up long before there was you. His family are not your circus and not your monkeys to deal with any longer.

That's ridiculous and this so called sweet guy isn't such a sweet guy after all is he?

This is 0% on you. HIS BROTHER ruined things for the family by raping a girl. no ifs, ands or buts. That's all there is to it. The ex screaming at you about it blaming you just tells me that with him you are better off without.

You're the victim here, please don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

This makes me so angry. So N. is the kind of man who breaks up with his girlfriend because she got raped? What a piece of ****. Then he has the nerve to call you and say you ruined his family? I don't even have the words.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You did nothing wrong. It is not your fault. If he contacts you again, please hang up on him. Block his number. You don't deserve that at all.

I understand he is probably hurting too, but that's between him and his therapist. It is not your cross to bear.

Big, huge hugs.

Thank you guys.. I feel so conflicted....

He called me again last night... I think he was drunk... He said a lot of stupid ****... He kept calling me a slut.... And a liar... Then he kept telling me to go over there so that we could ****..

"c'mon, it's not like you haven't done it yet! What? Do you not think I'll be as good as my brother?" I can't stop hearing him say that....

I feel so sick.... I told him not to call me anymore... I didn't want any of this **** to happen... He was so loving before.... Now he just hates me....

This is victim-blaming. You didn't do anything, and I'm so sorry you were hurt.

Sadly he is showing another side of himself. None of this is your fault. Can you block his phone number for some form of protection?

I completely agree with Crushed_Soul. You are not to blame.

(((((Artimus)))))

I think you should block your ex from being able to call you and contact you. He is being abusive towards you and seems like a very messed up person.

I have blocked him... I told him to stay away from me or I'll call the cops.. couldn't help but feel rotten for saying that though... I just don't know what else to do... I did everything I could to be good and supportive to him.. but I can't do it anymore.. I didn't make his brother rape me... he can't say that I did..

Well said crushed soul. Artimus please read therapist as many times as you need too. You did NO THING wrong.

I am so glad. He deserves it and you need to take care of you. Even with feeling guilty about it, I hope you know there's nothing to feel guilty about. Good for you.

You can call the cops anyway. Depending on how long ago this happened, phone records (and texts, if he texted you) are enough to convict someone on domestic violence charges. I'm from Alabama, and - no lie - an 87 year old grandmother just got arrested for slapping her 43 year old daughter with a house slipper. The grandma called the police but they arrested the GRANDMA because that's domestic violence. Even though the girl said she didn't want to press charges, they had to detain her overnight. It sounds crazy but what happened to you is worse.

You need a restraining order or some form of protection. It's ridiculous that he can still contact you. I hope the block works, but please be safe. That guy (and his family) sound unstable and dangerous. I don't want you to think you can't call the cops.

I'm just so outraged for you because something similar happened to me. Only it was my ex's friend and when my ex found out he said I was trash and a lot of other things and dumped me. WELL, good thing I found out so soon because I'm much happier now. But... I've found waiting is the worst in these sorts of cases. Continue to be brave. I couldn't go to the police right after, so I admire you for that. No one deserves to get away with invading someone else's space.

Do you live in a neighborhood where you know anyone you could confide in? Or have family nearby? Please don't suffer alone because I'm actually afraid for your life.

I am pleased that you were able to block him. You do need to look after yourself even more considering the trauma of this whole situation.

Hey everyone....

I've been gone for a little while now. So much has been happening...

First off, thank you all for your advise..

So it's been a month since my last reply... I blocked my ex from my phone and have just been avoiding any situations to run into him. Things seemed to be going alright for a while. My parents both had to work late about 3 weeks ago and so I was just chilling at home and he just shows up.. I tried to tell him to leave. That it wasn't okay for him to be here anymore.. and he just tackled me down and started rubbing all over me.... I could smell nothing but beer on him.. I was able to finally get out from under him and run out the door to my neighbors house. They called the cops...

So now my parents are pushing to press charges.. and I don't know how to feel about it... I feel bad for him... I feel like I still love him deep down.. I know what he did was stupid.. but is it really worth all of this again... I tried to tell my parents to give him a chance to get better and they just lashed out at me and said that I was sick.. am I?

I just don't know what to do...

What brought you from blocking him to wanting to have your parents give him a chance after assaulting you while they were away?

Maybe the court system will mandate treatment for him and wipe the record after completion?

Even so...why are you trying to protect him from responsibility for his misbehavior?

I just didn't want him to talk to me anymore.. I just wanted to leave him alone.. My parents still pushed for the charges and he has been in jail... they have been sending me to therapy and have been talking about moving away... I've been in this house since I was born.. it's like everything is just falling apart every time I try to move past this *****...

I've been just going on auto pilot lately to be honest... I don't want to be alive anymore... all of our "friends" keep messaging me and coming over trying to find out what happened and I just want them to all leave me alone... I've gotten hate messages from girls saying that I am a liar and a piece of *****... a couple have threatened to hurt me... one girl went as far as to say "one brother wasn't enough? you had to ***** both and then say it was rape?" That's not what happened... I didn't even sleep with my ex...

I've been so depressed... I don't want to deal with this stuff anymore... I just want to be a normal teenager... but everywhere I go someone has to ask me about it... I just got out of the hospital this morning because I have been Baker Acted for the last 2 weeks for trying to kill myself.. I just don't care anymore... I want this to all just stop... but it won't...

As my own kids will say, things aren't what they used to be.

It truly sounds like not only have you been dealing with the violence of these young men, but are also subjected to social bullying. Have you put away all forms of contact as a means to self care? Are you and your parents keeping a log of the hate messages and accusations? These are cyber crimes.

Of course you feel the way that you do, you are an isolated target of a hate spree. You are being bullied and harrassed.

Of course your parents are looking to sell the house and uproot your lives.

You are vulnerable.

What services are being offered to you to empower you? At what point will you look these a-holes in the eye and tell them, enough?!

It is good to get the therapy to learn to have confidence in hard decisions.

My sithation was nothing like yours thoygh I went through a trauma & was over 33 years in a bad marriage.

I up & left & moved 2100 miles away where I knew no one. Honestly it was the best thing I ever did in my life. I was able to start life over, fresh. I only talked about my past when someone asked & it came up in conversation. 11 years later.....life is awesome & I am more a part of tbis community than I ever was before in my life.

Just want you to know that moving msy not be a bad solution. Oh yes, I had many suicide attempts before I left....but am so happy now it isn't even an optiin in my mind. You might be surprised the peace that might come with a move even though it is major change.....what happened to you caused major change where you are.

People who treat women like that HOPE they will just want to forget about it so they don't have to face consequences for their behavior. If more had to face consequences maybe they would think twice before doing that to women.

Standing up against guys like this is not easy then add in the bullying....but in the long run it is empowering to stand up against wrongs like this. It may not feel like it now but later on in life it puts closure to what happened.

So glad your parents are actually suppirting you even if it may not feel like it to you right now.

There is nothing to clear from your conscience. YOU did nothing wrong. A crime was committed against you, and it isn't your fault. I'm sorry so many people are blaming you for what N.'s brother decided to do to you.

Something is seriously wrong when someone commits a crime and the person who reported it is treated like it's their fault. If he didn't want those consequences, he shouldn't have committed a crime against you.