May be getting divorced b/c of me.

Greetings.

After almost 20 years, my wife just told me she wants to call it quits. Not at all happy about it. She's beautiful, smart, funny, a good mom to our kids, etc. I have no desire to ever be away from her, but that's where she's at.

So here's the deal: I'm a passive aggressive. I've read about what makes up a PS person and there's simply no denying it, the description fits me perfectly.

However, in my defense, I find this the easier path sometimes. In my opinion, I can't really have an opinion, w/o my wife screaming and cussing. In many cases it just doesn't seem worth it to me to speak my mind -- I simply want to keep the peace.

Now I know that even this in itself is typical P/A behavior. To simply keep an opinion to oneself then punish the partner. But I'm not sure what else I can possibly do if I want to keep my wife from losing her crap.

If this is to continue, what do we do different? I didn't want to give her my opinion tonight b/c I knew it would cause issues and she pressed for it. As predicted, she lost it, now we're here.

We love each other a lot, but are tired of these issues.

What to do? I'm willing to shoulder all responsibility and change my part in this, but am lost.

hello -- I am concerned when you say she throws a fit whenever you have an opinion. That is not healthy behavior. To me, you are shouldering too much of the problems on yourself in this situation.

In a healthy relationship, both partners have equal say and each other's opinions are both heard and respected.

Have you ever looked objectively at your wife's behavior? Have you ever thought that perhaps it's abusive behavior? You deserve far better than that -- far better.

Passive aggressive behavior can be changed, but to me, it seems you adapted to your wife's blow ups in a healthy way -- it was a defense mechanism on your part.

20 years certainly is a long time, I understand, and you have children together. And you say there's love there.

Typically once a mind is made up, it can be hard to change. But she would need to change her own behavior in order for this to work. She needs to see that her blow ups cause you to become passive aggressive towards her. I am sure that deep inside, you feel anger towards her for being this way towards you. Hence, P/A behavior.

Couples counseling would be the next logical step imo, if there is a chance to salvage this, and if she agrees. She may not want to since she's already said she wants it to end. But she would need to first see that her own behaviors contribute to the issues.

Hope this helps and I hope you find peaceful resolution either way. Hugs.

Hi and welcome to PC!

Is simply not giving your opinion truly being passive/aggressive? I think you are just being passive. The aggressive part would be if you then did something to take it out on her while seeming so innocent.

My husband is/was passive/aggressive. I am mid-divorce with him right now. It was a 20 year long struggle over the same thing.

Maybe I should have been more outright aggressive to make him stop his shtick. Instead, I cried an ocean and developed a mood disorder over it. If I had seen through him and trained him like a dog to exhibit the behavior I wanted, maybe we would have been better? Instead, the pain it caused me bore severe depression. He defeated me. He knocked me down. THAT was passive/aggressive.

Nah, if I had to be a dog trainer, who wants a lap dog? No good either. Nope. No good scenario to two incompatibles.

Sounds like you BOTH have DYSFUNCTIONAL behaviors that need to be changed. Have you both considered a good marriage counselor? Since yiu both say you love each other then BOTH should be willing to DO THE WORK it takes to CHANGE these behaviors that are tearing your marriage apart.

My wife simply doesn't believe in most counseling. We've known some people in the mental health industry that had more than their own set of issues, and it really turned her off to the whole idea.

first of all, drop this idea:


Shouldering all responsibility for the flaws and problems in a relationship is never the right thing to do.

I know exactly what you mean and how you feel to be honest. My ex (still my wife but only because we can't divorce yet) for 15+ years is just like what you describe. Losing her crap is a good descriptor that fits my situation too. I am not as confrontational as some other people and mostly easy going, passive or just go along with things anyway and without going into detail as this thread is not about me, basically it's the same thing as you describe. And I've done the same thing, avoiding voicing my opinion much of the time and just staying quiet.

The problem with our approach is that that pent up energy that comes from wanting to be heard has to come out at some point and usually does and almost every time, it's at the wrong time and taken badly. with someone that Is already typically oppositional and very outspoken/aggressive it usually is quite ugly.

In your case, if it's true you still love each other and are just tired of the conflict, I suggest marriage counseling. but only if you both want to remedy the situation instead of calling it quits. if she's at the point of saying she wants out, there is no time to waste. At that point you usually have to fix things or just accept that it's going to end.

See if she's willing and go that route. get help .. both of you. It's not that either of you is responsible 100% it's that you both never learned how to interact in a more healthy manner considering your differences in approaches to life.

hope this helps.

I can relate to loosing one's crap as I was literally seeing red by the time I left my H....& if you knew what I was putting up with you would understand just like everyone else has come to understand. The difference was that there was no love from the beginning so there was no foundation to build on or go back to through marriage counseling.

I HATE confrontation! Like hate, hate it. I hate when we fight and this is the reason I stay silent when the wife and I fight. In my opinion I think I'm doing the right thing by letting her blow off steam by yelling, while I sit quietly and try not to burst out on her. However, recently, my wife has been telling me that because I don't speak up, because I don't fight back, she feels like I don't care about the relationship, that I'm not putting in the effort to fight because I don't care about the relationship. Truth be told, I care about the relationship, a lot, I just don't care about fighting is all.

Don't get me wrong, when I feel passionate about something we're fighting about I can, and have, flipped out on her. Those are some passionate arguments and she says she likes those better because she feels like I actually do care about something in the relationship enough to stand up and argue with her. Don't think we spend a lot of our time fighting, because we don't, but when we do it is usually one sided because I'd rather not fight (plus I'm not a good fighter because I get SO angry I start to cry and I can't really logically fight after that).

My point is, maybe your wife feels the same way. Maybe she's trying to provoke you to get a reaction out of you. If you're not passionate about a problem/situation that pertains to your relationship it is easy to jump to conclusions and think you don't care about the relationship.

Like previously said, I think marriage counseling would work best for you two. It's a safe place, with a mediator, that can kind of guide the fight and give both of you time to speak in a safe place. The wife and I did it when we found a gay couple specialist in town. We're no longer in counseling but to this day we still use techniques we learned there. Anyways, just my two cents.

I should clarify something as I dont want to play the victim card and pretend this is all her fault -- what set her off yesterday was my saying I keep my opinions to myself to avoid confrontation. It was in a conversation that it deemed appropriate to do so. Unfortunately this is classic PA behavior -- waiting until the opportune time to throw something out there. Just not sure how/ when I can ever do this if the outcome will always be the same, regardless of timing.

I am a woman, but I am having about the same problem. Only I am the one that is concidering the separation, or divorce. I haven't spoken to my husband about this, he would only get very angry, and probably brake everything in the house. Our sun paied for us to have a whole week on the gulf beach in Florida. I will be seeing how this trip goes, and if there is any hope. We have been married 25 years the 12th of June. I wish you all the best, and please let me know how it goes, and i will let you know how it goes with mine.

It does take two to tango. You say she's justified in yelling at you, yet she's the one shooting down couple's therapy?

You say you are passive aggressive because you broach topics at inopportune times?

Since marriage counseling is out of the question, what about individual counseling for yourself as you navigate the proclaimed inevitable next stage of your life?

I'm afraid if she wants a divorce and "doesn't believe in counseling" that she's checked out. Prepare yourself financially because men always lose more (hey, you make more, right?). It isn't fair, but if she approached YOU about the divorce then chances are she's already saving up - and possibly hiding money away. If she doesn't work, she'll have to rely in alimony completely to raise the kids. And if the kids are older than 18 she won't get any, so she's likely to steal away some. You might be very surprised with how selfish people get during divorce, but remember that even if only you earn the money she will consider it "hers" too and so will the law. If you live in a "no fault state" (google it) then you'll likely lose half of what you own - or more if she can prove abuse or neglect towards the children.

I hope it works out but my best advice to you is: prepare for the oncoming storm.

Find out what is legal and what is not; since you both can't agree on counseling (which any judge WILL suggest before moving your case to trial) then you'll need your own lawyer. Most lawyers will not take a couple as client if the couple disagrees.

DO not do anything like trying to open your own bank account, hiding cash away, or selling "her" things. These are always illegal. Google what steps you need to take if your spouse asks for divorce.

Just prepare: financially, emotionally, paternally.

I posted a big reply yesterday but it isnt showing today.

From the sounds of it: if I were you, I would start preparing for divorce. Find a good lawyer (especially if you are the only money maker). She could take 1/2 your stuff or more. If your kids are under 18, she could take them. Over? Manipulate them to be like her and hate you.

Someone who loves you would want counseling; it is a cop out that she won’t go because she “knew people in the industry with problems.” Oftentimes, those who have personal experience are the best adept at advising.

Good luck...