Managing Narcissist Traits and Autism Traits in Relationships, Please Help

Hello everyone,

I am new to this forum and decided to join in order to share my experience and desire for help regarding the traits that have been negatively affecting my relationship with my partner. These traits are narcissist and autism-spectrum traits.

For those who share similar traits that negatively “flare-up” in your relationship and threaten the health of it, how do you deal when you have the “negative energy” arise that accompanies these tendencies.

For example when stress from things my girlfriend says and mentions arise in me, if I don’t catch It in myself I quickly can get to a place of such disconnect and isolation that she becomes the enemy and I start to project all the “icky” feelings of isolation and disconnect that come with the narcissist episodes. I can’t easily ask for her help if I am struggling in my brain with following what she is telling me, especially if it is a stressful conversation. I have a hard time remaining calm enough to continue to reach out to her if I am struggling in brain chatter, or negative thoughts towards her that are untrue and based in my own fears.

She has continued to be there even when I have had these episodes but it is clear, because she herself struggles with trauma from her past and serious health issues she can’t take these episodes much longer. And I need to change.

When these episodes occur I become mean and begin projecting onto her the stress as I feel self-centered energy and my brain becomes clouded. If we do end up breaking through to me and I face my actions I can easily slip into feeling not good enough or like I did something bad, which I actually did by treating her poorly and at times gas lighting her without me knowing.

Do other people here with narcissist traits paired with autism spectrum disorder traits struggle in relationships? If so please tell me things that have helped you stay connected and trusting to your partner when you are having episodes. I love her so much and desire more help.

I have been in cognitive therapy for 2 years, but we both have contemplated if I should be on medication due to some of my symptoms that arise that basically push my loving partner away when I need her the most to help me. I need to learn to trust her, please help!

I think both people in the relationship need to consider in what way are they benefitting from it; what are they getting in the relationship?

Things go both ways by the way. What are you doing to not push her away and encourage her to in turn trust you?

Actually the autistic behaviors come across as narcisistic but in reality are just the autistic bahavior. I had tobread the book The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood to understand what I had lived with for 33 years of marriage & while reading that I realized that I had lived my previous 21 years eith a dad who fit the behaviors descriptions perfectly.

Thing with spectrum conditions is that what works for one may not work for another.

In my own personal experience the H pushed me to the point where my anger with him got so bad I was seeing red. By that point I knew my only option was to leave because there was nothing to recover by that point.

I think when it us diagnosed it helps if both go to a couples therapy because honestly the dynamics are so complex & communication so difficult that professional help is really useful from someone who specializez in ASD....especially if it is high functioning.

In my case we were both computer engineers but it was impossible to communicate with him from the beginning & he never took my needs into consideration. He lived in his own little world of books & once in awhile he would do other things that interested him or if I pushed to do something. Communication was horrible. I would say something & he would look at me as if I were speaking in a fireign language. Even when I would make him repeat what I said, chances are he would never do what he was asked to do. I thought passive aggressive but it became obvious he had no idea what he was told & wouldn't bother to say anything because he was sure what he was asked & if he couldn't figure it out he would do nothing or if asked a question he wouldn't be bothered to verify the answer. If he did answer he would say whatever he believed was the answer no matter how incorrect he was.

Tolerating behavior for awhile is doable. Knowing the cause helps....but it can end up like the glass that is filling. When it gets to the top, one more drop can cause an overflow.....yiu justvdon't want to get to that point.

You can research on the internet all the problems that occur between a neurotypical person & one on the spectrum....there is tons out there on this topic. Some helps, others are just oeople who couldn't take it any longer. Don't take on ownership of the problem. It is both people's responsibilities to learn how to function together.....it is NOT JUST the neurotypical's job.....or resentment WILL BUILD.

Are you diagnosed with npd, or have you and your girlfriend home diagnosed?
I ask because I have 2 sons both on the spectrum....both very different but my older son responds similarly to what your describing.
I find it is common for people to mistake and confuse these behaviour types.
I would advise working with a professional to unpack the two behaviours to ensure proper management of both.

I wish you and your gf all the best for your future together.