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Hello. You can call me K.
I am writing here because I feel like I don't have any other chances to ask for help.
The situation is the following:
I am a 17-year-old girl (I will be 18 by the end of this year since I was born in December) who's got amazing grades (I've got an average of 9'5 out of 10 in the final marks of my last year of highschool) and wants to go to the Uni and study hard in order to have variegated oportunities in life.
My parents got divorced when I was barely 2 years old. I live with my mother.
Oh, and I live in Spain. Just for you to know.
My father (who lives in another city) is horrible. He is such a narcissist.
However I have to spend time with him, we end up arguing. "Arguing", because most of the time it is him the one who's telling me that 'I am worthless', 'I am rubbish' or 'I don't deserve the food I eat'. Besides, he's quite obssesed with cleaning. I hate him. You don't know how much. I have spent 6 years begging my mother not to send me with him anymore. It hasn't worked. And it's all because of money.
How ironic, as my mother won't buy me a SINGLE thing with the child support money. She has wasted the money (which was supposed to be for me) in her desires and mortgage.
On the other hand, my mother and father hate each other. My mother has been sending him e-mails with blackmails and threatenings of all kinds for suuuuuuuuuuch a loooooong time. I was the one who took the blame. Every single time. I was the one who would have to listen all the bad and awful things my father would say. You can just imagine the scenes.
For some reason, my father hasn't decided to take her to court (yet), although I suppose it will happen someday. Somehow I am glad he hasn't, because it would have meant that I'd had to move with him.
Also, when I stay in my father's house I am completely alone. He won't let me go out, but I have no friends there either. When we go out he will grab me when we cross a road so I 'don't get run over'. He acts like I am 5 years old and I can't stand it.
Enough about my father.
Now: my mother. Oh my God. I think she is even worse.
I'm so sorry I have to say this but she is a failure. As a daughter and as a mother.
Not only she hasn't raised me at all, but also she's been cruel and harsh with me. When I was a child she used to hit me because of everything: grades, homework -not done or not well done-, making noise, crying, visiting my best friends (my mother disliked her a lot and alleged that she had to keep me away from her for my own good)...
She is 40y.o. and has ONLY worked for three years and a half. Of course, me and my grandmother had to go with her (because, you know 'she can't just clean the house and work at the same time') to a village 800km away from our town. At least the two years I spent there were worth it (if I ignore her behaviour).
So, in brief, she lives in her mother's house, cleans three rooms two times a week, does the laundry and does not take her dishes to the kitchen when she finishes eating.
She has been making mistakes all her life and denies it so that nobody (NOT from the family) will tell her she is not doing what she should.
Appearances are the most important thing for her.
I don't really want to keep talking about her despite the fact that there's a load of things to say.
The problem is that I have depression. I have an horrible depression and I want to disappear so badly. I am unable to see any kind of exit.
I am alone. Nobody will listen to me. Nobody will believe what I say.
It's not only the trauma, it's also the fact that I know things are not going to change.
I have a boyfriend who is two years older. We live 500km apart but we are completely in love with each other and I am struggling a lot to make this relation work. As he is the only support I have, I've tried almost everything in mother. Even talking my mother into letting him stay at home (I don't know how but I made it. And I was successful. We had to sleep in different rooms and she was constantly wandering around to control everything 'though)
I want to go to the uni and it is in Seville (the nearest important city and the place where my grandmother has a flat, which is rented out to students like me every year). My mother is desperately trying to hold me back and almost forcing me to live with her anywhere. I want to grow as a person. I want to be happy and know what making my own decisions is. I want to leave this nightmare behind.
And she does not want to let me go.
If I notice it is going to be impossible, I will do something.
If I tell the police they will make me live with my father
If I don't do something my boyfriend will get tired and I will be alone again
I'm thinking of killing myself if I don't manage to live with other people. I don't want to carry on with this anymore.
I need help. I need advice. I need solutions and I need them soon (in 20 days my future will be sorted out..)
I am sorry, my English level is not so good.
Truly in despair, K.
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