Feeling like dating is a numbers game -- I don't like feeling like another number

Yesterday I saw a movie with a guy and it was our first time meeting basically, so after the movie ends we talk a little bit and I ask him if he’s graduating this year. This leads talking about the future, and me telling him how I wanted to move out and how I would love to move to an expensive city (if it weren’t so expensive) to which he says that maybe we could be roommates in the future, you know, just to alleviate the pressure.

Tbh,

I don’t know where to start. I could say many things. You don’t know me. Why would you say that? It makes me irrationally angry. I feel like some guys are so desperate it doesn’t even matter who you are. You’re literally just the process they have to go through in order to get a girlfriend. I get told things and it’s like, did you even…notice anything I said?

I notice when, for example, guys send the same message they send to every other girl. It’s a numbers game for them. This is Indeed.com and they’re sending out their pseudo-personally tailored resume to every company just to see which one bites. It doesn’t matter which one, they just need one. I hate that. What a privilege it must be to choose, the incels cry. Because I love being basically nobody to them.

One guy kept telling me I was perfect, the first time we spoke, and I was like "You don’t know me". Why are you saying this? And he was like, that’s okay, we’ll get to know each other. And that seems sensible. It seems like I’m supposed to say okay, like why would I say no to getting to know them. Except it feels wrong because what they’re saying is meaningless. It’s entirely based on nothing. It makes me not want to get to know you anymore.

There’s something that I can’t put into words. It doesn’t feel right. I’m put off by that behavior. It just doesn’t feel normal. It’s not warranted. How can you know who I am to say these things? Does it even matter to you? That’s what gets to me. I don’t feel like it really doesn’t matter who I am. It’s obvious. I feel like a means to an end. It makes me angry.

I think it is a numbers game for a lot of guys, but there are some out there who are genuinely interested in finding a compatible partner. It can be hard weeding out the jerks though. I feel for you.

I can tell you why you feel put off by that behavior: it's because they're being fake. As you said yourself, they definitely don't know you after that little bit of time so to say something like that is clearly just them lying to try to seem nice or into you or whatever. I had one lately that told me he was "spellbound" after just a couple days messaging back and forth where we have little in common. I stopped messaging after that. It makes me feel sick that someone could say that when they don't know me and what little they do know is entirely opposite of them in almost every way. I do most of my looking for guys online (too terrified to do it IRL, plus I hate my area) and 90% of the ones that contact me through these sites have either very little written on their profile or have literally nothing in common with me, if not both. Why bother? Don't be so damn desperate fellas. As badly as I want to be with someone, I want a good relationship, not something fleeting that will never become anything.

tl;dr? You're not alone in those feels. Trust the feels. Being fake isn't cool.

Guys who talk about future on the first date or tell you how perfect you are before they even know you do it so you get all smitten and they can get into your pants quick. It’s old “love bombing” ploy. Good for you not falling for it. There are serious guys out there. Don’t lose hope

I'm really glad to read your posts. I kind of felt like I was being a bit irrational but I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks their behavior is weird.

You've said basically everything I've been feeling the past week.

I think it's only natural to be put off by that behavior. That's exactly why they have to try so many times, most girls are put off by that.

It's kind of like spam e-mail. When I look at my inbox (I'm too lazy to delete things) I have like 900 genuine e-mails. Yet I have 9,000 promotional emails I've never even glanced at. The majority of e-mail sent is spam e-mail. The majority of phonecalls made are telemarketing. True, it's just evidence of what kind of contact they are trying to make, they are probably only looking for a hookup, not anything personal.

IMO, don't waste your time on someone who treats you like you are a waste of their time. I don't use dating sites myself but I hear some women put a specific question or instruction in their profile to confirm whether guys that message them have actually read it. Seems like a good solution to me, if they don't respond to that, don't even have to bother reading their message.

I have to comment on your saying that guys are desperate to get a girlfriend. If they were looking for a girlfriend they’d behave in a more sensible manner. They are looking for easy hook up/sex only.

What you’ve touched on is so complex we could try to decipher it with 1000 posts here.

While I agree that the guys are trying to get laid, I disagree that they only want sex. IME they want sex and they want MORE sex, which leads to relationship, marriage, etc... I don’t see men as just wolves looking to use women. OC, there are some who are just players. Discerning the user from the relationship guy is a skill.

I’ve had experience where the guy has been instantly smitten and said I was so perfect. I ate it up. I believe they were being genuine. I never felt they used me. I was most likely the one who dumped them in the end.

The more I know of men, and I am in my 50’s now, I find they are ‘what you see is what you get’.

You are wondering why that date said you are perfect when he didn’t even know you. Was it his line to every date? Did he genuinely fall head over heels? Is there nothing more to love than physical attraction, especially for men?

I and I believe no one else thinks that men just look for getting laid or hook up or are predators. That would be crazy.

But men who do look for hook ups or easy lay do use silly ploys like announce that a woman is perfect before they even met her or suggest being roommates on the first date. Those men typically are not looking for serious girlfriends. They are looking for women who’d fall for this nonsense quick enough.

You got married young and were married many years so you couldn’t possibly have that much current nowadays dating experiences. Men who are seriously inclined and looking for long term behave in a respectful sensible manner. They try to get to know well on a deeper level and that takes time. They’d also not want to scare you away no matter how much they are into you.

I’ve met my husband on a dating site. So clearly he wasn’t looking for hook ups. My daughter met her boyfriend on a dating site as well (they live together now but she is no rush to marry yet as she is a widow). So clearly men are not on dating sites to just get laid.

But some are. If my now husband told me I am perfect during first phone conversation I’d run for the hills. He is not an idiot. Men who are looking for getting laid say nonsense to 5 women and they run but 6th will think he is a soul mate and now he can get couple of rolls in a hay.

I think most men who are looking for hookups are on free sites. They don’t want to pay for a membership as they aren’t looking for quality.

Every time I come on this forum I am once again reminded why I have steered clear of internet dating.

Sorry I don't have anything positive to add.

The issue is a very fundamental one.

Men and women view online dating very differently. There have been studies on it.
I don't think they think about it I think it's just automatic.
Guys want to be liked just as much as girls.
But yeah, trying to hard is a turn off.

I know what you want. You want special treatment. You want a guy to "sniff" who you really are and get you right from the start
But bear in mind - it also takes being a bit more... straightforward
As immersed in your inner world as you are, it takes a bit of extraction and expression which can actually build a relationship, and not an expectationsship

I fell for that "love bombing" once, as a guy
The truth is, I remember her. She asked me "Do you even KNOW me?!"
You're thinking I was pushing, but you'll be wrong. She LOVED hearing me talk to her like that. I almost told her "Why do I need to know you? Are you not good enough?" Almost. Of course, in a non-confrontational manner

It feels good to hear that stuff. Men who do it on purpose (not you) know that women love it hence they keep doing it. It works.

The whole romance scam industry is built on the idea that when women are vulnerable or desperate they’d fall for BS. BS has to be carefully crafted so woman thinks there is a deep connection very fast. That’s how scammers get women.

Hm. It almost feels as if they're not trying at all.

Hey, did you see my reply? I am still curious as to what you think

Well this is just full of assumptions. Your words are carefully chosen to reflect something in particular. Special treatment implies that I think I deserve, above anyone else, better and different treatment.

I don't think this is a problem with how guys treat me, per se, I think this is a far more insidious thing. Guys view dating as a game and to improve their chances of winning they have to play more often. At some point it seems like the other players aren't really *there* anymore for them. "If it fits, I sits".

I've met other guys who get to know me differently. Not "specially". They get to know me a friend. Sort of as a disinterested spectator, disinterested in the romance aspect from the get-go. They're not going in hoping to see what happens romantically, if it happens "then it happens". Guys who say this are expecting this development, from the beginning. Others are going in as people dealing with other people.

I don't want him to get me right from the start. That sort of thinking is very ego-centric. Entirely the type of thing I dislike in the dating game, and what I feel is happening. These guys treat others as means to their ends. The end is merely a relationship, and not another person. People are looking for a significant other before they're looking at the person they're dealing with. I want *him* to be, "from the start", as in that's who he is as a person, someone who gets to know someone else normally so that when you say things like "I think you're X" with that being some kind of a compliment, it's actually meaningful because there's context between you two which supports this type of remark.

I'm expecting people to not be the type who wants anyone who'll be willing to be their girlfriend (because that's what they want "a girlfriend" not Zygomycosis), or people who say meaningless things. That doesn't arise from the dynamic of the relationship, that's who they are. Otherwise, if I have to tell the other person that sort of thing isn't cool, it feels like I'm holding their hand and telling them a secret, that's not a secret. Don't be a weirdo. As in don't tell me I'm perfect on the first date, you can't possibly think that's normal. Don't tell me maybe we'll be roommates, on the first date, that's not okay. There's nothing that makes this remark warranted. It's vapid and empty. It's just there as a bad attempt to please me. And it misses the mark.

It sounds like you're a person who gets allot of attention from guys, and has some vast experience
It's interesting that you defined special treatment without me defining it.
I am of course, not making any judgements, just so you know
I am wanting to learn through you, as you hear of more of what you have to say
You seem to wait for the opportunity to come, and that's OK
I see you are also frustrated with how long will it take for the right man to come, I get that
Personally I know, that it takes mutual flexibility in order to get to know each other the most well. Coming with prefixes as "Finding the perfect girlfriend/boyfriend", and "Get married" narrow and limit the relationships potential development

Not as much as you're thinking. What is "a lot"?

Special treatment is colloquially used and it's connotations are pretty well known. I don't need you to define it for me.

Not really. I'm not looking for an ideal. The right man doesn't exist. I don't like how particular men behave, is all.