[LaraR4444]

I have a tendency to want to "fix" people. I think it's helping, but where on earth do I get off thinking I know how to do that. There's a quote I love from Anais Nin, "You cannot save people. You can only love them." With prayer and desire, and desperate need, I'm learning over time how better to actually do that.

A couple of years ago, I had this wonderful revelation about someone in my life, that they were at a place at that moment, but I could see how they and God were working it out on their own timetable in the way that it most needed to be done. People get in situations for too many complicated reasons. There is no magic, tidy path to fixing that stuff and it's not for me to have to recognize what's going on.

While that revelation gave me some peace and has helped me deal with many worries about others and myself, it wasn't a magic cure-all either. I'm not completely free of the desire to fix people and things.

Thinking about all of this again, I was inspired to write this poem:

Can’t Fix You

I don’t know what you’re doing.

Maybe you’re right,
or at least maybe I can respect it,
or understand.
Maybe you’ll sort it out in time,
just as it is meant to be.

I can’t fix you.
I just know I love you.

[WasabiAlmonds]

Whenever I feel the need to fix someone, I use that energy on fixing myself.

Which is difficult enough as is.

[LaraR4444]

Originally Posted by WasabiAlmonds

Whenever I feel the need to fix someone, I use that energy on fixing myself.

Which is difficult enough as is.

Excellent viewpoint, and one I normally hold. Maybe I can think about that more directly in this type of situation when it happens again.

I definitely find people on occasion 'lacking' but I am not sure that I want to fix them as I simply wish they would change. It is for me not about acceptability as I realise everyone is due their opinion. It is more a struggle with someone's apparent lack of common sense that irks me. Unfortunately this is not something fixable.

[LaraR4444]

What I'm talking about is worrying about people, which does sometimes include judging what they're doing, because I'm applying all my ideas to them, which is so wrong. I probably do the wanting to fix people just simply because I don't agree with them too, but the major problem is the worrying about people and feeling some responsibility to try and fix it.

I explained my feelings and issues in more depth in another post - https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...ml#post6152213

[eskielover]

I am a problem solver but learned long ago I don't fix other peoples problems. It is their job to fix their own problems & if they don't think it is a problrm & I do, then we part ways because it is bad enough for me to notice then it's pretty bad & my tolerance level is beyond dealing with it any longer. I have usually given enough warnings by that point that there is no excuse.

Unfortunately, I stuck around my marriage way too long because I hid in my computer engineering career to avoid him until I could no longer hide.

It wasn't intil I finally left that I discovered why he couldn't fix himself in spite of all my warnings. I would never go back to living the way my life was all those 33 years & am glad to be free frlm a oerson who still desperately needs fixing but has only become worse eith time not better. Just glad I haven't lived with him the past 11 years ir I probably wouldn't be alive to care.

Originally Posted by LaraR4444

"You cannot save people. You can only love them."

That's a rather very dismissing quote. People need to be saved from harsh breakthrough, such as mental illnesses, crimes, whatever
Then what? "Sending positive regards"?

Originally Posted by LaraR4444

What I'm talking about is worrying about people, which does sometimes include judging what they're doing, because I'm applying all my ideas to them, which is so wrong. I probably do the wanting to fix people just simply because I don't agree with them too, but the major problem is the worrying about people and feeling some responsibility to try and fix it.

I explained my feelings and issues in more depth in another post - https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...ml#post6152213

If it's so wrong then why are you doing this?

Originally Posted by eskielover

I am a problem solver but learned long ago I don't fix other peoples problems. It is their job to fix their own problems & if they don't think it is a problrm & I do, then we part ways because it is bad enough for me to notice then it's pretty bad & my tolerance level is beyond dealing with it any longer. I have usually given enough warnings by that point that there is no excuse.

Unfortunately, I stuck around my marriage way too long because I hid in my computer engineering career to avoid him until I could no longer hide.

It wasn't intil I finally left that I discovered why he couldn't fix himself in spite of all my warnings. I would never go back to living the way my life was all those 33 years & am glad to be free frlm a oerson who still desperately needs fixing but has only become worse eith time not better. Just glad I haven't lived with him the past 11 years ir I probably wouldn't be alive to care.

I believe it also takes more direct approaches at times in order for people to learn and understand. Otherwise, doesn't really work well for connections. True connections, that is

[downandlonely]

I think you can help people if they want to change. But if they don't want to, there's nothing you can do.

[LaraR4444]

VibratingObsidian, the quote does not mean people can't be saved, that you don't want it, and can't hopefully help people, but that expecting to save people or it being a big part of your feelings for someone is futile and dangerous. That's my understanding of it anyway. I guess it's what she meant.

Like downandlonely said, if someone wants to and is ready to change, then you may be able to assist them in that, but you can't make it happen. Helping them may very well take on some form you would never have expected. They may not want help from you at all. You certainly can't expect it to happen on your time table.

For your other point, if recognizing that something was wrong was the only thing it took to stop doing it, we could all instantly stop behaviors that were hurting ourselves and others. It's a crucial step to acknowledge that it's wrong, and I described some of how I've been trying to overcome my issues.

I guess I also made such a big deal out of saying how wrong it was because I'm embarrassed at how hubristic and scary I thought it was making me sound.

Originally Posted by LaraR4444

VibratingObsidian, the quote does not mean people can't be saved, that you don't want it, and can't hopefully help people, but that expecting to save people or it being a big part of your feelings for someone is futile and dangerous. That's my understanding of it anyway. I guess it's what she meant.

Like downandlonely said, if someone wants to and is ready to change, then you may be able to assist them in that, but you can't make it happen. Helping them may very well take on some form you would never have expected. They may not want help from you at all. You certainly can't expect it to happen on your time table.

For your other point, if recognizing that something was wrong was the only thing it took to stop doing it, we could all instantly stop behaviors that were hurting ourselves and others. It's a crucial step to acknowledge that it's wrong, and I described some of how I've been trying to overcome my issues.

I guess I also made such a big deal out of saying how wrong it was because I'm embarrassed at how hubristic and scary I thought it was making me sound.

Sorry, but a quote is a quote. The quote is literally saying "You cannot save people. You can only love them."
You can take from it whatever you personally wish to. However it is very clear the quote is dictating choices, between saving and loving

Apologies if I seem argumentative in a negative manner, however quotes have to be read and listened to as they truly are

But perhaps I will add my view on the topic to add more material for conversation - the term fixing is described when one wants another to be a specific way for that person. When one would say "fix" someone, they would mean "make them to be as I expect them". That's the harsh truth.
When one would say "change", then it's a more fluid matter and can go through various directions. Help is already becoming better, because you help the person with what they need - it could be listening, TRUE understanding, help with technical stuff such as groceries, or so many other things.
And love is when you're grateful for the person to be in your life.

That's how I define it, that's how I see it.

[LaraR4444]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

But perhaps I will add my view on the topic to add more material for conversation - the term fixing is described when one wants another to be a specific way for that person. When one would say "fix" someone, they would mean "make them to be as I expect them". That's the harsh truth.
When one would say "change", then it's a more fluid matter and can go through various directions. Help is already becoming better, because you help the person with what they need - it could be listening, TRUE understanding, help with technical stuff such as groceries, or so many other things.
And love is when you're grateful for the person to be in your life.

That's how I define it, that's how I see it.

I agree. That is the problem. I don't know how many other people struggle with this, but sometimes it is difficult to recognize those differences, to keep them from bleeding together and helping becoming fixing when they shouldn't be the same.

It has something to do with some unhealthy personal responsibility and/or need to help. When this happens, you put your own expectations on what helping means and that's not good for either person. These expectations lead to fixing.

I'm sure it sounds offensive to talk about fixing, it probably should. But I can't be honest about fixing my own problem, apologize for damages caused, and tell them I want to do better for you, because I do really care about you and your well being more than my own junk, without admitting there was a problem in the first place.

I'm real big on talking out problems. I don't know how to trust someone if we can't sort out our bull together.

[LaraR4444]

I just discovered something, by accident actually, called White Knight syndrome that sounds weirdly similar so far.