[Rose76]

My boyfriend and I had a tiff yesterday. He is terminally ill and I care for him much of the time. He apologized sfter, but this is happening too much. He gets into cursing and swearing (like calling me a "crazy b×÷ch" and yelling, "What the effs wrong with you?") My end of the exchange often isn't much more enlightened. These spats occur frequently. In less than a day, we're usually lovey-dovey again.

I know there is something seriously sick about our relationship. This has been going on for a very, very long time.In between spats, we can be very content in being together.

The trouble is I keep tumbling down into depression. He's always thought that depression is "just something you do to yourself." My whole family felt pretty much the same way. I have never, ever gotten compassionate support from anyone close to me.

I feel very alone. I have been awake all night. My gums are sore from lack of oral hygiene. I'm embarrassed to admit that. I keep having spells of feeling pretty well, even quite chipper. But they keep alternating with episodes of depression marked by me getting only the bare necessities done.

His attendant will be here soon for 8 hours. I have to make the place presentable before she gets here. Then I'll go to bed and sleep most of today away. I'm so sleepy now.

I wish I could turn to someone, but I figure it's up to me to just snap out of it.

Sometimes I regret that I was ever born

I’m sorry for your bf’s illness. I can’t imagine the amount of stress you are under. Are there support systems you can reach out to for help? This is too much for one person to bear. Is hospice involved? Is counseling an option for you? I don’t have all the right answers for this but I think you need some help. You need to be cared for and supported too. Caregivers get worn out and burned out even under the best of circumstances. Best wishes to you. ❤️

[Rose76]

I'm trying to get him approved for palliative care. Neither of us has any family that aren't a plane trip away.

I should ask if the VA has a support group. I have to go to sleep now. I want so bad to feel good and for that to last like a whole week now and then.

[divine1966]

I am so sorry. The way he acts might be his dementia speaking, not really him. If he is terminally ill, he should qualify for hospice type of services. You really don’t need to be doing it full time. Could you take sleep aid over the counter so you can sleep all night? Or can your doctor prescribe something?

[Rose76]

I take melatonin, Valerian root and magnesium in the eve . . . plus amitriptyline.

Today he has a home health aid, so I have been resting.

[~Christina]

Your a wonderful person to hang in there. I have known numerous people just walk away and not look back.

He loves and appreciates it all even when he doesn’t seem like it

When my grandfather was dying he would have bouts of anger towards my grandmother. He was struggling at times that death was getting closer he said he just kept dwelling on how much pain he might suffer

[Rose76]

Thank you, Christina. I'm far from being any kind of saint. I get irritated and even nasty with him at times. I would be very alone without him. The need goes both ways. But it is a lot that I do for him.

I know that I'm loved by him. Right now I have some health problems of my own. I need to lean on the home attendant more. I'm just sleep deprived and worn out. I should maybe try to find s second attendant.