Abusive Relationships

I am drawn to psychopaths and narcissists. I'm self aware in regards to why. It's my way of dealing with childhood trauma. My brain thinks these relationships will repair the damage. No judgement needed. I'm a work in progress.

I also have abandonment issues. Once I get sucked into an abusive friendship i struggle to pull myself out. Paths and narcs have a cycle. Idealize, devalue, discard. The discard normally hits me like a punch to the gut. Then I become the psycho trying to get their friendship back at all costs. Fear of abandonment makes me desperate and self sacrificing. It's bad.

I've been off and on with my latest narc/path friend lately. He convinced me to give our friendship a clean slate yesterday. So I agreed. Then I got an abrupt discard this morning.

My therapist and tribe have been building me up for months. So I started to plead and then I stopped and walked away. When someone hands you the keys to your jail cell do you beg to be locked up or do you take your freedom and run?

I had to share this because I am on top of the world! The abusive trash took itself out and I'm not going to pull it back in. I've been in abusive situations off and on since I was born. Finally I have enough self worth to know I'm not the problem and no one will break me again.

If you are struggling with an abusive relationship you are strong enough to run and never look back. You are worth it. It's never too late to change. The high of freedom is amazing. I feel stronger than ever.

Please note I am not judging narcs/paths as a whole. Just the ones I've been connected to.

wonderful! I'm happy for you. you passed a major challenge here.

I just ended two toxic relationships myself.

One was a friend of 40 years, who I defriended several times over the years when she grossly crossed the line of my boundaries. She got back in touch with me and we agreed to have an understanding of how to remain friends by her agreeing to back off and me agreeing to not let myself get sucked in. However, she just couldn’t abide. Then I learned from a mutual friend that she not only gossiped my most personal truth to our mutual friends (this I knew and tolerated) but she was spreading viscous lies. This made me 100% sure she was just an evil, toxic frenemy. It was shocking. It’s hard to believe as I can’t understand why she would do that and pretend to be my bff. I’m so glad she is out of my life.

The other was my husband of 25 years (15 of them miserable). His behavior wasn’t toxic and “abusive”, but he gaslighted and neglected my words regarding my needs, mainly with a sexual control struggle, which pushed me to serious depression. I don’t know he’d be diagnosed with anything, but it was all very dysfunctional.

I’m moving forward. We are getting divorced. I’m doing very well with no signs of the depression and unhealthy coping mechanisms I had developed during our struggle.

When you come out of these toxic relationships there is a strange feeling of no closure, no resolution. The other person will most likely be playing the victim to anyone who will listen. But you know in your heart what happened and you are doing what you need to do to go on and be healthy. That’s what matters most— taking care of yourself.

For a long time I lingered miserably in the cage. But when I saw the only way was out, I seized that opportunity and left.

You’ll never hear one person say they regretted leaving abuse.

SadGirl, I am very happy for you!!!! It takes a lot of strength to do what you did!!! However, I am curious -- since this has been lifelong for you, how do you plan on keeping away from these types of people for good? Meaning, the next steps are to learn how to identify these types early on and to not get involved at all from the get go. Not to rain on your parade!! Just wanting to see you permanently able to steer clear, and I know from my own history, I kept getting involved with the same types over and over again while ignoring the warning signs.

Not raining on my parade. It's important. Here's my plan:

1) Keep at therapy. The root issue is my dad who has been dead almost 20 years. I've decided I'm ready to accept and let go and it's going really well.

2) I'm in an online support group for narc abuse survivors. Seeing how often the stories are the same makes me almost feel pity for the people who have hurt me. Forever limited by their condition. I said almost.

3) Listen to my spouse and bestie who can spot a loser from a mile away. It's time for me to grow up and stop doing everything the hard way.

4) Pick up kickboxing again and pole dance more. Both good for self esteem.

5) End any relationship that doesn't make me feel good. Burn those bridges and dont look back. Take the time and energy to do something positive instead.

Today is the end of that cycle and the beginning of a new one. I've been waiting for this moment my whole life.

Good question, Golden Eve.

It’s a combination of our own flaws/pathology and that of the abusive other person that drew us in.

Take my friend for example; my boundary line that she crossed was way too generous. I should have ended that friendship when she wouldn’t stop taking jabs at me. I confronted her and said she better stop with the jabs, and for a while she did. In hindsight, I’d have been more wise to simply end the friendship at the first jab. I never take jabs at my friends, so why did I put up with it from her?

I’ve been reading every article I can. Like, “How to have a healthy relationship,” or “How to spot a narcissist”.

My last narcopath friend was a gigantic douche bag. He would grasp at anything to try to hurt me. Even my dead parents weren't off limits. I chose to focus on his good attributes but it becomes exhausting.

Each one has known exactly how to tug at my heart strings and sucker me into their crap over and over again. The most famous line: no one understands me like you do or you're my best friend. I get guilted into putting up with too much for too long.

I'm just done.

Excellent plan!!! I’m proud of you!!

This is great advice! I'm sorry that you had to go through that!

That’s exactly right. As soon as a so-called friend takes jabs, simply get rid of them. Their fawning of love to try to suck you back in is only going to lead right back to their taking jabs once again or worse.

I’ve always been attracted to funny, quirky people like me. Sometimes these people turn out to be really bad, mean spirited users/abusers. I am not this kind of a person.

I’ll probably keep gravitating to these kinds of people, so I need to beware of toxic behaviors in them and then dump them when that becomes apparent. But plenty of funny, quirky friends have been nothing but great friends and good people. So keep an open mind.

((TheSadGirl2)),

When a person has been in an institution for a long time that person actually learns to live their life based on that institution even if the person is not really treated well. What happens is that once a person is somehow finally released and freed from that institution, the person will actually want to go back even though they were mistreated simply because the person doesn't know HOW to live any other way.

That is what you have been doing where you end up in abusive relationships because you simply have not learned to function and live any other way. It became your normal and that is simply because it's how you learned to live your life. You have also been encouraged to feel that your value depends on what others tell you or how they treat you too. This is difficult to overcome for anyone. The important thing to learn about abusers is that they get so they learn how to behave in order to gain control and they also learn what kind of people they can manipulate and control. They like to create "dependence" because that's what keeps them in "control". They already know that without dependents they have "nothing" which is why they tend to create "fear" where if you leave them you will "suffer". These individuals don't really "care" either instead their goal is "power and control". That is why so many of these type of individuals end up in power positions like teachers, doctors, therapists, politicians, CEO's, religious leaders, lawyers, managers and high performing salesmen or even actors etc. That's because many of these positions can provide these individuals with some kind of narcissistic feed, as that is what sustains them. These individuals don't really "care" about you, they only care about you obeying and servicing their needs.

Absolutely. Toxic people are soul suckers. Self absorbed. It is both exhausting to be around them and in my case, it makes me sick.

I have been free for a day and I had such a good sleep last night. I havent felt this good in way too long. I've escaped prison and I am never looking back. There is way too much I have to see laying ahead of me.

If I sound ecstatic, it's because I am. It's the first day of the rest of my life. Happy optimism is who I am and I found me again.