[Froglover22]

So I suffer with generalised anxiety disorder which, for the most part, is manageable now. However, one thing that seems to come with growing up is relationships and I've managed to end up in one.

Im struggling a lot with doubting my feelings, questioning if I really love her or if i should call off the relationship to avoid hurting her. I've been in this relationship 4 months now and i know it sounds so stupid but its caused me so much worry that i struggle to be affectionate towards her now and then, and forcing myself to makes me feel sick with anxiety. This was more of an issue during the second month of our relationship, and is a lot less frequent now however its still an issue i wish would disappear as it feels like, when im feeling like this it pushes her away.

I feel like i don't really love her and that i only like her because i don't feel an intense feeling of longing and loneliness when she's not here (which i did with the last girl i liked, however it may be possible that that was due to being very down and needing much more outside validation than i do right now). I also worry that it may just be a passing thing, that i'm just superficially attracted to her and its not fair on her to keep the relationship going. Theres also a recurring intrusive though that because i don't always have massive .feels in my chest when i think about her, that i don't love her and she deserves someone better.

On the other hand, i'm almost constantly thinking about her. I care deeply about what she thinks of me and of how she's feeling. Seeing her sad feels like a punch in the gut and it's the worst feeling i can think of. I want nothing more than to make her smile and see her happy and my favourite times are when im with her we have a lot in common and i think shes absolutely gorgeous I know that deep down, this is a good relationship and it would be stupid of me to end it. I dont want to end it and i know it would devastate her too. I've spoken to her about it and she understands that when i push her away, its anxiety causing it and she will often sit with me and listen to me talk through my thoughts and feelings about her and us and reassure me that its just me worrying too much. She's honestly a dream and i recognise this 75% of the time, however, the other 25% is horrid to go through.

I'm still super young, this is my first relationship and its still super new to both of us. I know this may sound stupid to someone older and with more experience but this is really bothering me, so any help would be really, really appreciated! So, in short, my one question is; how do i get rid of these intrusive thoughts?

[mote.of.soul]

I think learn to trust. Trust that you're actually okay with her and she with you. And as you're cultivating the trust within your mind, this will help to cut off those intrusive, self doubting types of thoughts, which threaten to destabilize or complicate your relationship. Trust.

[MickeyCheeky]

Perhaps, every time you have one of those thoughts, you can try to think of all the other moments when you realize you care deeply for her. You could even write a journal, or even just a note to remember to yourself how much you love her. Would that work?

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for sharing your concern here on PC. You mentioned you're "super young" & this is your first relationship. (By the way... I'm definitely older! But I don't think your concerns are stupid.) Unfortunately, I'm not sure what to tell you about this either, other than it is kind-of how many if not most romantic relationships go particularly when the two individuals who are involved are quite young & inexperienced.

There's no easy solution that I know of to what you're experiencing. One option would be to talk it through with a counselor or a trusted family member, or someone else. Some people use journaling to process their thoughts & emotions. But perhaps the main thing here is to try to simply not get caught up in this. Since you (& your gf presumably) are both super young, I presume there's no thought of the two of you becoming engaged or married or moving in together. So it's not as though you have to make any firm commitment decisions here. The two of you can just be good friends & allow your relationship to develop over time in whatever way it will.

You did mention you & your gf have talked about your feelings & she understands. That's great! Open communication between partners is important. The more open & honest the two of you can be with one another the better. And it is this openness & honesty within your relationship that will help the two of you to ultimately come to some conclusions with regard to whether your relationship will be temporary or something more permanent. It will also help to ensure that if you don't remain a couple one or both of you won't leave the relationship hurt.

Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of romantic relationships including a quiz you can take to help you determine the depth of your love. Hopefully some of the information in these articles may be of some help to you in figuring out where to go from here:

How Do You Know that You're with the Right Person?

The Power of Empathy in Romantic Relationships & How to Enhance It

Video: Communicating in Relationships

3 Keys to a Strong Relationship

How Deep is Your Love? Quiz | Psych Central

My best wishes to you both...

She sounds like someone worth giving a chance and that does sound like what you want to do. Maybe just give yourself space to do your own thing when you feel doubtful about things? Is it that you’re spending a lot of time together and you need the space? If that’s the case I know how that feels. It takes me a while to feel comfortable with new people. I’m much older than you and I’ve always been this way. When I first met my hubby years ago I was thrilled that in the very beginning he would give me space for a few days if we spent a lot of time together. I wouldn’t hear from him much at all. I thought it was wonderfully insightful of him to know to do this and it definitely helped me to feel comfortable with him. Years later I mentioned it to him and I had to laugh when he said that, actually, HE had needed the space and that was the reason for the intermittent distances... We both needed to have time away form each other to do our own thing and we are still this way. Best of luck to you. It sounds like you must be a caring person or you wouldn’t feel so strongly about not hurting this girl.