[amyyyyblack]

So, my boyfriend was in another city for work. In the evening he went out for drinks with people from the conference and after he was supposed to go to a friend's birthday party (the friend lives in that city).

While he was there, he was told that a female friend of his (who lives in another country) happened to also be in that city. They are more or less recent friends and have only seen each other 4-5 times before. I've met her once. He texted her and she came and meet him at the conference drinks. They then spent the rest of the night hanging out and drinking. She went with him to his friend's birthday party.

They got so drunk that the next day he was so sick that he didn't make it to meet one of his other friend's new baby.

I didn't think much of it. But last night he was unpacking and he came across some photos that him and his female friend had taken in a photo booth in a night club. He was excited by the photo and said "oh my god, I had forgotten we even took these pictures", I stretched out my hand to see the photo and he hesitated a little but gave it to me.

In the photos, they're laughing, leaning on each other, she has her arms around him and their faces are close together. I said "looks like you had loads of fun!" but he didn't respond, there was an awkward silence, he took back the photo and then left the room.

I felt a pang of jealousy when I saw the photos! I very calmly asked "did something happen last night?"
He got very angry. He started saying that I don't allow him to have female friends and that this is ridiculous. I have NEVER said anything about any of his female friends, never.


(He has omitted hanging out with ex-girlfriends before and being late to meet me because he was with one of them, which I only found out because then he'd slip up about seeing them. And I had never said that it wasn't ok to see ex-girlfriends so there would be no reason to lie/omit it.)

Now, I feel like he was lying about the night.

Am I overreacting?

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by amyyyyblack

So, my boyfriend was in another city for work. In the evening he went out for drinks with people from the conference and after he was supposed to go to a friend's birthday party (the friend lives in that city).

While he was there, he was told that a female friend of his (who lives in another country) happened to also be in that city. They are more or less recent friends and have only seen each other 4-5 times before. I've met her once. He texted her and she came and meet him at the conference drinks. They then spent the rest of the night hanging out and drinking. She went with him to his friend's birthday party.

They got so drunk that the next day he was so sick that he didn't make it to meet one of his other friend's new baby.

I didn't think much of it. But last night he was unpacking and he came across some photos that him and his female friend had taken in a photo booth in a night club. He was excited by the photo and said "oh my god, I had forgotten we even took these pictures", I stretched out my hand to see the photo and he hesitated a little but gave it to me.

In the photos, they're laughing, leaning on each other, she has her arms around him and their faces are close together. I said "looks like you had loads of fun!" but he didn't respond, there was an awkward silence, he took back the photo and then left the room.

I felt a pang of jealousy when I saw the photos! I very calmly asked "did something happen last night?"
He got very angry. He started saying that I don't allow him to have female friends and that this is ridiculous. I have NEVER said anything about any of his female friends, never.


(He has omitted hanging out with ex-girlfriends before and being late to meet me because he was with one of them, which I only found out because then he'd slip up about seeing them. And I had never said that it wasn't ok to see ex-girlfriends so there would be no reason to lie/omit it.)

Now, I feel like he was lying about the night.

Am I overreacting?

No i don't think so! If he has nothing to hide and trusted you why would he act like that?

[bpcyclist]

Oh boy. To me, that is worrisome. The arms around him, the faces close. The alcohol. The you not being there.

I used to travel internationally for a living. All over the place. And what I know about cheating on business trips (not from my own experience, but from watching it happen around me) is that these things often just happen sort of in an instant. There's touching and arms and cheeks and drinks and then, suddenly, somebody plants a big, wet one on the other party. And then it's off to the room. The end.

The key to preventing this sort of thing is not putting yourself in 'harm's' way. That means, if you're a guy and you're straight, don't be alone with a potential hookup. Don't drink alone with a potential hookup. It's dangerous. Stuff happens. And once it does, you can never get it back. Respect you primary relationship/partnership/marriage. Respect your partner enough not to want to even have the appearance of something questionable going on.

In my opinion, your partner should know enough to know this stuff. Personally, I think you should have a chat with him about it. If he doesn't see any of this as a potential problem, then maybe that tells you something you need to know. I wish you all the best!!

[Bill3]

At an absolute minimum he showed very poor judgement.

I’m a little surprised that he has met this “recent” friend four of five times already when she lives in another country. How did they meet?

I wonder if they arranged in advance to be in that city at the same time.

I agree that the faces together, arms around each other, the grossly excessive alcohol, the going to events and hanging out together as a couple are all highly inappropriate under the circumstances.

His angry defensiveness may or may not indicate that he feels guilty, but regardless of that is also an unwelcome behavior. Normally can you speak with him about something difficult, or does he typically resort to angry defensiveness?

[divine1966]

When he travels for business he makes arrangements and meets this female friend of his. She isn’t there accidentally. Also no one is “recent friend” with anyone they only met 4-5 times and lives in a different country. They arrange to meet when he travels. This wouldn’t work for me.