What can I do when thoughts like this come up?

I also would like support. Thanks.

It hurts so much to say it, but it hurts to think it too. I need support because I went for a walk today, and while it was nice, I started ruminating. I started thinking about the guy I dated 2 years ago. He hurt me so badly and I was in love with him. We were only together for a month. I broke up with him. I wasn't doing well emotionally, and I also felt that the way he joked around, I didn't like it. I felt uncomfortable, like he was making fun of me, and he also didn't like talking on the phone and we didn't see each other often. We lived about 2 hrs apart. But he really liked me, it seemed, and something seemed to click. After I broke up with him, he immediately got hurtful. He went back on OkC, put up a picture of himself that I took. I told him how that hurt. But in an uncivil way. Then I wanted to get back together, but partly because I was trying to manage my emotions. I tried contacting him 2 days later, multiple ways, and he emailed me back a really nasty letter, basically saying "no, you're not ready for a relationship, I'll never get back together with you again," it was really mean. He seemed angry. It was weird to me, because I was basically writing to him saying I still had feelings for him. It seemed cruel and heavy handed. I actually went to the hospital because of the affect it had on me.

Anyway, I started thinking about him today. God only knows why I think he was a good match. Looking at what I wrote, it wasn't a good match and I'm lucky to be rid of him. But on my walk I was like "I'll never meet anyone like that again." Maybe that;s a good thing, haha. But I was thinking about it in a negative way.

I guess I just really do want a boyfriend. Something that feels right though. Someone who I click with. I feel a little jealous (not in a mean way) of people who are happy in relationships! I'd like that for myself.

[downandlonely]

It doesn't sound like that was the right guy for you.

I hope you meet someone nice.

[Skeezyks]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

It doesn't sound like that was the right guy for you.

I hope you meet someone nice.

Thank you Down...I appreciate this a lot.

Its funny what my mind can do sometimes. Especially a depressed mind! It was very pessimistic thinking. Distorted. I feel like I can see more clearly now.

I do think that that whole experience had a deep impact on me, and not in a positive way. Because of the slimy way he acted in the end. Also it was only a month long, and physically I'd only seen him like maybe 5 times. It went way too fast, in my opinion, another reason I was uncomfortable with it. I felt very anxious with all that. My mental health symptoms got a lot worse with him. Another reason I broke it off. I thought "is it normal to be sad like this, this early on?" We were also saying "I love you" to each other. Too soon.

Thank you, Down. I think its important to do things that make me feel good, and be with people that make me feel good and who are kind.

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Thank you, Skeezyks.

[Bill3]

People who get nasty like that just prove that they are not a good choice for a relationship. You did great to break it off!



It sounds like you miss the feelings, the connection.



I hope you find them soon.

Originally Posted by Bill3

People who get nasty like that just prove that they are not a good choice for a relationship. You did great to break it off!



It sounds like you miss the feelings, the connection.



I hope you find them soon.

Thank you, Bill.

Yes, I DO miss the feelings of connection! Specifically of the romantic significant other kind. I have a friend, who is in a relationship and she is very happy with him. Its kind of just brought up feelings of "I wish that was me too." I deleted all my dating site profiles (two: POF and OkC), because they were pretty dead end and disappointing. I may go back at some point, but I always imagined I'd meet someone in real life. I'm not really sure how to give that a go...other than just living my life.

I appreciate you saying that you hope I find them (those feelings) soon, but...I think...I wonder...if there's a way to channel my feelings, sit with them, live with them...accept them...while also just living my life and making my goals and dreams come true (I want to work and have a job, be a writer and artist, go on a vacation, be part of my community). And yes, part of having my dreams come true is to be with someone. I just don't want to suffer and be desperate in the meantime! Its been hard to not try and fix this. But I find that when I can accept, a wave of calm washes over me.

Edit: and yeah, maybe that IS it, what you said, about me just missing connection, it just came up in a really distorted and painful way in my head! I tend to "look back." It might be nice...to see who is right in front of me. In the present. There's a lot more people there.

[healingme4me]

I think it's rather common to ruminate upon a painful experience of a relationship when things aren't where you'd like them to be in the here and now.
The type of chemistry described between your ex and yourself sounds like a toxic mixture. It illicited behaviors that sound regrettable from how you describe. And it makes sense that it's carrying itself over into a rumination while out for a walk.
I had had some regrettable behaviors with my first bf. And it really shook me to my core even several years past that. I almost sent an apology letter years later. Then, before I went to send it off, something transpired and I paused on that. It was an aha moment, a revalation if you will that displayed as real jerk behavior of him soon before sending that. Then I thought, you know what? It really does take two to tango! Then I started realizing that he wasn't as liked as I had once thought by a shared social circle. I ripped that right up. I mean if I hadn't displayed all these years later the same emotive types of behaviors but he continued to be the same. Where exactly did the toxicity come from??

Try to forgive yourself! You may have been provoked and it's not who you are, ok?

[Fuzzybear]

Hi KnitChick,

It's easy to look backwards when we are feeling some amount of emptiness, loneliness or nostalgia even over a connection we once had and want in our lives now. I have done the same. But things end for a reason with people, and that reason is usually a very good one.

I know you will find a great love one day. When you want love or a good relationship, it tends to find you somehow.

I spent years being in and out of the wrong relationships, because that's what I was attracted to. I've felt deep loneliness and heartache over not having someone special to connect with. So, I do know the feeling, very much so.

But when you're alone, it's a great time to reflect and to figure out dreams and goals, which is what you're doing now. You're on an amazing track, and you're doing everything possible to improve your life and your own happiness. That's very important I believe in order to find the right person.

So, for you, I believe the right person will arrive in your life at exactly the right time. And in the meantime, you're working on yourself and your life.

Keep doing as you're doing, and be happy with yourself right now. Feel proud of yourself for all that you're achieving. And over time, you will reflect your happy shine outwards to other people, and the right ones, ie, emotionally healthy men, will be attracted to that.

That relationship you speak of sounded unhealthy for you, so it's good it ended when it did.

I'm cheering you on!!!

Much love, eve

Eve! thank you so so much for this. It means a great deal to me what you said (you always seem to know just what to say! lol). I found it very encouraging.

To everyone else, thank you, as well. HealingMe4Me thank you for your thoughts. I found myself nodding in agreement. And Fuzzy, I really appreciate your support as well. Thank you for taking time to read about my problem and to give me a hug. Hugs back.

This is the best thread ever. I may see if I can find a way to print it out. If not, I will refer to it when I feel down. It really helped a lot.

Thank you for being my sounding board, and thank you for all your support.

[TML8277]

Words of experience... Having that connection is great! Amazing! Being in love is the best. Having someone around when you need them, beautiful. However, don't let those needs cloud your vision. It sounds like this guy was a real jerk to you. And you see that and you're thankful for it. Being single sucks, but it's a million times better than being with someone who is mean and abusive. Be sure that when you do find someone that you know him very well before committing!

Best wishes to you. And if you can, embrace your singleness while you have. Always easier said than done, I know.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm glad this thread helped you. I hope someday you'll find the right person for you

I think being single at times in life is very empowering. As Bridget Fonda says in the movie, singles, it gives one a sense of dignity. It also speaks to one’s ability to be self-sufficient and self-reliant. When you’re a couple, everything is Different. Being single has its advantages, so take advantage of this special time.

I wrote that because when a relationship ends, it's usually for a good reason - it hasn't worked out on one person's end or for both.

For KnitChick, there were aspects of that relationship that weren't making her feel good. Then he got nasty and showed his true colors. He could have been abusive, and she caught onto it early on. It wasn't healthy for her, as she ended up in the hospital over his nastiness. That relationship ended for a very good reason. It was for the best in the end.

Most relationships end for valid reasons.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by KnitChick

What can I do when thoughts like this come up?

I also would like support. Thanks.

It hurts so much to say it, but it hurts to think it too. I need support because I went for a walk today, and while it was nice, I started ruminating. I started thinking about the guy I dated 2 years ago. He hurt me so badly and I was in love with him. We were only together for a month. I broke up with him. I wasn't doing well emotionally, and I also felt that the way he joked around, I didn't like it. I felt uncomfortable, like he was making fun of me, and he also didn't like talking on the phone and we didn't see each other often. We lived about 2 hrs apart. But he really liked me, it seemed, and something seemed to click. After I broke up with him, he immediately got hurtful. He went back on OkC, put up a picture of himself that I took. I told him how that hurt. But in an uncivil way. Then I wanted to get back together, but partly because I was trying to manage my emotions. I tried contacting him 2 days later, multiple ways, and he emailed me back a really nasty letter, basically saying "no, you're not ready for a relationship, I'll never get back together with you again," it was really mean. He seemed angry. It was weird to me, because I was basically writing to him saying I still had feelings for him. It seemed cruel and heavy handed. I actually went to the hospital because of the affect it had on me.

Anyway, I started thinking about him today. God only knows why I think he was a good match. Looking at what I wrote, it wasn't a good match and I'm lucky to be rid of him. But on my walk I was like "I'll never meet anyone like that again." Maybe that;s a good thing, haha. But I was thinking about it in a negative way.

I guess I just really do want a boyfriend. Something that feels right though. Someone who I click with. I feel a little jealous (not in a mean way) of people who are happy in relationships! I'd like that for myself.

Ok so I did read your other posts in this thread so hopefully I don't shove my foot in my mouth again with you XD and says something wrong lol.

I wanted to comment on his making fun of you. In a healthy relationship it is somewhat acceptable but hear me out. This is only acceptable when the joking, jabs and fun making is mutual and when the respect is already there. I mean when people know each other well it kind of comes naturally and is a kind of camaraderie. But in this case, you're 100% right. That early in a relationship it was really a sign of how arrogant he really was which he proved with his nasty comment judging you as someone not ready for a relationship. Whether true or not, the fact is, he doesn't sound like he was ready for a relationship himself!

I'm glad you got yourself out but hind sight, everything can sometimes look a bit more rosy, especially when we are lonely and wanting something. no matter if it was good or bad, there was a reason you were together even if only for a month and I think as memories sometimes (except in severely abusive cases but even then...) seem a little shinier than they really were. Our tendency is to enjoy accept and welcome warm and fuzzy feelings over the pain so I think as a protection if it's not as I said, an abusively painful memory it is numbed a bit. Easy to see it a little brighter.

Sometimes when we yearn to be with someone else, and are lonely at the moment, we look to connections we had and for lack of ones that were mostly positive, we draw from any memories we have.

I'm glad this thread helped you and I hope my words are helpful too.

Sandman, thank you. I do appreciate your words! Will write more later when I am able.

Ok so first, Sandman, I appreciate what you've said a lot. I remember when I was dating him, I posted here about it, when I was starrysky. I remember talking about how anxious I felt with it, and even wanted to get the book "anxious in love," but that didn't feel right either. I remember someone said "go with your gut. if you feel anxious there's a reason." which I so appreciated. And I remember you saying something too. More kind of as a warning. Don't know if you remember. I was defending him but I remember you saying something along the lines of "he sounds pushy and not willing to back down when he doesn't get his way." It was in regards to me and my boundaries with him I think. I really appreciated that too.

Anyway, yes, I agree that there is teasing in relationships!!! But this seemed way too soon, didn't feel mutual in the sense that I felt badly about it (and I would express to him my hurt feelings) - all like you just said. There were some strange things about him too. Like he seemed to think he was above working. Came from a rich family though. And when he did work, a long time ago, he blamed his getting fired on other people and not on his actions. It seemed he had issues with others. I don't need to talk about the rest or gossip about him. I truly do feel good about being in the present and leaving this in the past where it belongs.

I just want you to know that I took your words above to heart, and appreciate all of what you said.

Hi Eve! Someday I'm going to have to watch that movie. I love whenever you reference it. And definitely there is a self sufficiency and self reliance when being single! I agree, it does seem like everything changes when one couples up with someone. I have been enjoying it (being single) lately and honestly, today I'm good with my singleness. There are people (men) in my life lately, I've noticed who I have well...noticed. Like we have happy interactions, and they are friendly and seem to like me as well: my mailman, my neighbor across the way, and even a classmate (my language class started ). Life is good right now.

I also just have to say...I'm really glad I posted about this. I considered erasing it, I considered not posting about it at all. But one thing I am trying out lately, is acceptance, and being ok with where I'm at, and self honesty. And it may be hard to experience my emotions, but instead of running from them by deleting them, or not talking about them...doing the opposite can be good in a certain dose, as well. It worked out well, talking about it, and I'm so so grateful for that.

TML, thank you for your very kind words. They were much appreciated! Mickey, I always always am glad for your support. Medusa, for me, Golden Eve's words rang true, and I'm grateful for her support to me in my thread. I'm sorry you've had a bad experience though with relationships. I hope you can find support in a different thread if you need it.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Glad I could help.