Sometimes I Blame My H For Too Much...

Just wanted to say this because I have complained on here about him. We did hit rock bottom but things are better now.

I was so confused after my attempt that I imagined the worst things about him to the point of delusion. I was in fight or flight mode. Neither of us are perfect but I do enjoy being with him. He tries to make me feel needed and beautiful. He treats me better than he did when we were at our low point. Sometimes the answer isn't leaving even when everyone in your life says it is....

I don’t know the backstory at all, but I am wondering how you were treated when at a low point? No one should ever be treated poorly in a relationship, not ever. Respect and loving kindness need to be shown at all times, even through low points, within a healthy relationship dynamic. And I don’t know your prior stance on things or what specifically happened, but sounds like you’re backtracking from any legitimate prior complaints you may have had about him.

I think that you have this ongoing feeling that in order to make progress you need to win. I see you picked your PC name as "Nowinners". What does that mean to you? Doe it mean if you don't get your way, or if you are somehow feeling bad that you are a loser?

I think our society tends to put way too much focus on winning and losing, and tends to encourage this mindset in very young children too. One thing this has proven to work well in is "marketing" in that many products try to create this idea that if you own the product you are a "winner" and if you don't you should feel bad. Winners only wear this sneaker, winners only drive this car, winners wear this designer label, etc., the list is actually endless. It's much better to pay attention to how you may subconsciously buy into this "winner and loser" imprinting is all about and work towards freeing yourself from thinking you are only a winner if, otherwise you are a loser and should feel bad.

Sometimes it's good to ask yourself whether you're really happy with a person or not...

Without more info it’s hard to tell if you’re in the “honey moon” phase that is part of an unhealthy relationship cycle... or if you are wanting to take more accountability for your own behaviors in the relationship... maybe it’s both. Best wishes to you. Relationships are hard and there will be ups and downs... but definitely you should always feel loved and respected and safe.

You do know much of the backstory. I impulsively deleted the accounts/usernames Mysterious/Hopingtrying. I shouldn't have this account because it was against the rules to have two accounts at once when I created the Nowinners account. At the time, I was taking steps to divorce H. I was really scared during the process and imagined that by letting anonymous people at PC know what was going on that it would keep me safer. I am afraid I imagined to myself that I might turn up dead. I was having terrrible problems with anxiety and delusions, ultimately dropping the whole divorce thing. And perhaps I was just really anxious about making it without him. He does a lot for me. We haven't always consistently shown respect and loving kindness to each other but we are trying and things are much better.

It meant that I felt he was willing to "damage" both of us if necessary in order to take vengence on me if I went through with a divorce (maybe this was partly delusional thinking?) but you are right, society puts way to much pressure on people in regards to winning and losing. I am guilty of putting that pressure on my husband, myself and our children.

I do not want to start my life over but want to live in the present moment and be a better wife and mother. It seems to be helping for the most part....

We have had lots of "honey moon" phases. I have issues with mood swings. I have been looking more critically at my role in it all. I have some codependent traits--there have been times both H and I get aggravated over both silly and serious control issues when we are under stress but I am getting better at putting the past behind me. There were good times but also dark ones too. I'd like to think that my new awareness will prevent me from ever getting that way again. I do feel loved and safe. I used to worry about being "respected"--I don't now, I think respect is earned and I get respect when I deserve. I sometimes feel like people love me more than I really deserve given some of the things I have done in my life. I am lucky. My problems are mostly my own doing.

Didn't really mean to cause this much discussion. Guess I was just trying to say, "When you are unhappy in a relationship, look inside too."

Very true. I actually left my H & wondered why I felt so good because I wondered about what I had always been told "that yiu can't run away from your problems because they folliw you(because they are in you).

Well first off I did find out that my H was a HUGE part of my problems & he always had been BUT with therapy & a lot if self analysis I was able to see my part in the problems of the marriage & that I returned what I saw as abuse with abuse on my own part.

The good thing about this was that 11 years after leaving him & finally getting my long awaited divorce.....we were able to have good closure on those 33 years we were married & living together. He can still be a jerk but I will no.longer react to him in the way I did. We know divorce should have happened long before I left but we have accepted things the way they are. Even in divorce it is important to look at the big picture & see the part we played it it also.....just like staying together & making it work.

Hope this new approach does work for your marriage & you find the happiness that should be in a marriage.

Yes, I agree with that last statement. If we're not happy, we have to look at every aspect of our lives to determine why, and that means within ourselves, too.

I don't remember the backstory now (my apologies!!!), but I am a little concerned when you say you don't feel you deserve love because of past mistakes, and also when you say you get respect when you deserve it?

You should always receive respect from your SO, no matter what, and even in fights or arguments. People can go through rough times together, fights and disagreements and still show respect for one another. So my concern is whether this is a healthy relationship, but it sounds like things are better now, which is great.

But know that we don't only just deserve respect when we feel we have earned or deserve it. We deserve respect at all times. Past mistakes do not mean we do not deserve respect. At the very basis of a loving relationship is both respect and trust. Without both of those elements, it's not a healthy relationship.

I hope things continue to improve for you both!

Thanks for your replies, of course, kind inputs are appreciated.

It's OK if you do not remember my backstory. Another reason I deleted those accounts is that I shared way too personal details and I vowed to myself to do much less of that in the future. Also, I was spending hours on PC. Even good things are not that good when we do them excessively. At the time, I was processing trauma and it was helpful but I am trying to move on though I am grateful for all the encouragement people gave me in the past.

Intimate relationships are such a tricky dance. I’ve heard a very few people say their relationships are ideal. Mostly I’ve heard people say theirs are not healthy. That’s why the divorce rate is so high.

The two people don’t have the same ideas of how the relationship should be. It’s an issue of they put themselves first, disregarding, possibly even lying to the other. To blame and complain is futile and will only cause more strife. So there becomes this struggle of manipulation to get one’s needs met.

It just is what it is.

Is it merely the roll of the dice that we got someone to struggle with vs. someone to treat us the way we asked to be treated?

This dynamic must be an element of narcissism. The person who expresses their needs is addressing their narcissism (which isn’t a bad thing, we are all somewhat narcissistic), and the person who withholds, lies, abuses is also addressing their sense of narcissism.

I am trying to figure out how to make a win-win with an oppositional person, gaslighter. I also am taking him back rather than divorcing. Codependent? Optimistic? His good qualities are greater than his bad? I’ve already been through hell and survived, so feel stronger? IDK

I know we both have similarities in our relationship struggles, Nowinners. I get it.

I hope my comments weren’t upsetting for you. I’m projecting my stuff all over yours. Hugs.

Not at all. I agree that being married can be a complicated dance. Frustrations can build up then, for some of us, we let our feelings out in unhelpful ways. There have been times that I couldn't even get my husband to agree to disagree--he would want me to feel the same about certain issues and it was hard for me to get past it until he would at least acknowledge that we disagree. At least we are both trying....

Relationships are mysterious, it’s good we are both hopingtrying, and there truly are no winners!

My mom once asked my MIL her secret to their very long marriage, and she said she does everything he wants!

Yes, I feel like, in the end, on the big things, I have done everything he wants and on the small stuff, if I think he would not agree, just go ahead and do it but keep him out of it. In a few ways my relationship with him mirrors my relationship with my mother. I also realize that because I looked up to my father, I have acted some of the same ways he has in regard to how I have handled my relationship with H. My father is attracted to strong women.

He, on the other hand, says the secret is to accept all responsibility and apologize whether he is at fault or not.

He wants you to take the blame and apologize if it is he who is at fault?

No, he feels like he should take the blame but some of it is lip service and to keep the peace just like I have to be careful about telling him all the details about everything I do because some of it would probably aggravate him....

It sounds like you are too closely intertwined with each other. Familiarity breeds contempt kind of dynamic. He’s annoyed and trying to control you, he mutters an apology like a bully kid. Yes, maybe doing more things without each other and focusing less on each other will help.

I have always had such a strong personality & drive more like a guy with a career too. I wanted a H who would match me & bring in strengths that I didn't have & marriage would be a REAL partnership. I ended up with a guy who I ended up cleaning up all the messes he made because he thought he knew everything & left a wake of disasters I always had to fix. He confided at the end of our marriage that when we got married he thought all it was necessary to do was bring in the money....I chuckled & said I was capable of doing that myself....I needed a team player not someone who fought being part of a team because my career was the same as his & required as much time & focus. The marriage was nothing but fights & even though we afforded lovely vacations I enjoyed the location, not being there with him.

Marriage & our expectations going into it can definitely define the struggles we end up with....sometimes we can work through them other times we can't. I am definitely happier wuth him out of my life & I never missed him when I left....just felt a huge sense of peace for the first time in my life.

Marriage is a complex thing but wuthoyt respect for each other it will not work or will always be difficult