[rqn12]

Hello,

I’ve been on/off with my first serious relationship for about 8 months now. We dated for about a month but his ex wanted to get back together so he ended it by calling me and saying “All you are good for is sex, maybe you should change who you are so someone takes you seriously, you’re a failure...”. A month later he decided to re communicate and I decided to give him a second chance given that the first guy I was with for about 6 months simply ghosted so I thought if he wants to get back together that means he cares. For the first month and a half he cried on a near daily basis since he couldn’t get over his ex. He decides to return to the ex and same things with the insults by telephone. Ends it with the ex two weeks later and returns. I know I don’t love him but I don’t know how to leave. He has threatened with taking his own life, I have already reported him and only went to a psychologist once. My friends absolutely hate him. How do I leave?

[sarahsweets]

threatens. Whether or not he means it, or is just saying it he needs to be accountable. He needs help either way and you cant live with the weight of someone else's pain on your shoulders.
https://www.lovepanky.com/my-life/be...motional-abuse

Signs of codependency include:

Having difficulty making decisions in a relationship
Having difficulty identifying your feelings
Having difficulty communicating in a relationship
Valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself
Lacking trust in yourself and having poor self-esteem
Having fears of abandonment or an obsessive need for approval
Having an unhealthy dependence on relationships, even at your own cost
Having an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

I think you need therapy and asap. After only a month you are wrapped up in this abusive man and you should not be. There is a good book called "codependent no more" by Melody Beattie and I think you should check it out.

[Iloivar]

Is there anything else besides his threat that's preventing you from leaving? Living situation? Conflicted feelings?


Either way i'd just leave him. Whether he means it or not, if you leave him it's true he could possibly do it, but it not happening i'd wager is the more likely outcome. Besides, what choice do you really have? Staying gaurentees your indefinite suffering, probably until someone ends the relationship. Who knows how long that will be? Leaving now is less suffering for you. Even if they were to go through with it, it was ultimately their decision to make, not yours. Im sure you don't want him going through with it, and they're the ones intending to pin blame and guilt on you, for a decision they're making. So who has the possibly bad intentions here? Not you, you'd just be doing whats best for your wellbeing. What he needs is proffesional help, something you can only steer him towards, and not force him to do, and I doubt mant proffesionals are equipped to be a lifeline for a patient, much less you. You can't help him unless he helps himself, and staying would only reinforce his behaviour. So you're arguably doing him a favour as well.

I had a friend of mine that dealt with 2 experiences similar to yours, one of the ex partners has a group of new friends. Who knows if he's changed. The other was an off and on relationship, everytime they'd make the same threat, and when it ended, they'd be coming back to make amends.. rinse and repeat

Is this the first time he's made such threats? Do you have any info on his past relationships? What do your friends think of him? Im asking those questions to gauge him and whether he's been consistently like that. If so, even more reason to leave him.

As to how to leave him.. well, here are some approaches you can take, it might be of use. You'll know better than any of us if there's a right course of action for yourself among these, since you know yourself and him better than any of us. If you do end up reading these, remember there's a community Q and A at the end.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&sour...lEo_2r&ampcf=1

he would be my ex boyfriend. for good. he is playing you. close the door and be done with him..his behavior is never going to change....and as for as him threatening to take his own life, let him know if he throws that card out there you will be notifying the police that he in indeed a danger to himself and they will respond accordingly. once he deals with that he should stop those threats.

Originally Posted by rqn12

I know I don’t love him but I don’t know how to leave.

You need to have a clean break from him. Your friends are right.

And like Sarah said, you should seek therapy for yourself.

[Open Eyes]

You have been put on his emotional patsy list. He is just using you to vent his frustrations out on. People like this are not the kind of people that you should add yourself to their patsy list. You will never be respected by this kind of person which is what the pattern you have described is showing.

[TishaBuv]

“All you are good for is sex, maybe you should change who you are so someone takes you seriously, you’re a failure...”.

When he said you this, I think most people would have never taken him back. Were you spoken to like this by people before? That was totally abusive for him to say.

Please don’t let him guilt trip you with his suicide threats. He is not your problem. Just get away and save yourself.

I had an ex who made suicide threats. He’s still alive today and luckily not my problem.

If you can get a therapist it would be very beneficial to you. Moving forward while building self esteem and learning what healthy relationships are like.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you have to put up with him, rqn12! I completely agree with what ALL THE OTHER WISE, WONDERFUL POSTERS have already wisely said better than I ever could! You've been given plenty of great, kind, wise and WONDERFUL advice and suggestions! I'd suggest to follow it AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN if you want to! I completely agree with what all the other great, kind, wise and wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could about leaving him AS SOON AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN! It's clear that he's trying to emotionally blackmall you! Please don't allow that! You can't take full responsability for other people's lives, ESPECIALLY if they're hurting yourself in the process! You deserve MUCH BETTER THAN THAT! Please DO consider cutting off ALL CONTACTS with him! If you want him to get helps I'd suggest to just link him the resources that he can use to get the help he needs, such as a Pdoc or therapist's adresses! That's really ALL YOU CAN DO since HE'S the one who needs to get help, NOT YOU FOR HIM! I also completely agree with what sarahsweets has already wisely said better than I ever could about trying to talk to a therapist about ALL OF THIS and see how it goes from there! Hopefully they'll be able to help you! Please remember to take GREAT care of yourself, ok? Please keep up updated AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN if you want to! We DO want to know how things are going for you and if there's ANYTHING AT ALL that we can do to HELP YOU OUT! WE'LL ALWAYS BE HERE FOR YOU! WE'LL NEVER ABANDON YOU! I PROMISE YOU ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE! Wish you good luck! Sending many hugs to you, rqn12!

He sounds like a narcissist who has hooked you already so that he can emotionally control you. Everyone has given you excellent advice. Find a way to physically get away from this guy -- he's bad news all around. He will only bring misery to your life if you stay around him.

Hello rqn12. So sorry you have experienced this with your on/off boyfriend.

Threatening suicide is a form of emotional abuse. It is NEVER okay including when someone is depressed. A suicide threat is not a sincere request for help but a tool to scare and manipulate another person in order to control them.
You are not responsible for another adult's mental health. That is his responsibility. If he ends his life, that is his choice and not your fault. His offensive comments to you were also abusive.

What is your current living situation? Do you live with him?

I recommend finding a kind and experienced therapist in order to share the specific barriers you see regarding separating from him. Abuse can affect a person's self-esteem and decision-making processes. There is no shame in the fact that you are struggling with this situation. It is not your fault and you do not deserve to be put down, repeatedly abandoned, and threatened with suicide.

May I ask why you only saw a psychologist once? There are so many personalities and approaches out there in the mental health field...perhaps you just need a different therapist? I had a great therapist when I left an abusive spouse....she really helped me to heal and move forward though the decision to leave was mine, not hers. Nobody else can determine that for you. There are also a lot of support groups and shelters for women who wish to leave abusive partners.

I wish you peace and hope. Remember that your present does not have to be your future. You deserve respect, kindness, and safety.

[Bill3]

How do I leave?

You block him on your phone, on all social media, and on any other form of communication that you may have.

You do not respond, ever, if he finds some other way to contact you.

You do not answer, do not open the door, if he comes to where you live. If he refuses to leave, you call the Police.

You move on with your life.

(And I agree that therapy would be a good idea for you.)