Silent Treatment Again

Last year, one of my closest friends stopped talking to me without any warning, leading me to believe that something bad happened to her. She deliberately did not answer my calls or texts for a a month and a half. I later found out she was mad at something so small where she twisted my words around. We mended our relationship (this was a year ago), but it did stick with me that it was very hurtful how she dealt with the conflict, instead of communicating to me that something upset her. The day she went silent was after going out to dinner with her when everything seemed great, so that shows how unpredictable she can be.

Well, I recently went out with her to a restaurant after not seeing her for a period of time. I brought a gift for her daughter and everything seemed fine. However, I suspect the silent treatment is happening again. Her last text to me was really distant after we met, and it's been weeks since she last contacted me. Usually, she contacts me every few days, so that is her usual pattern (she's more of a phone person than me, but I respond regularly).

Honestly, I put so much time and effort being there for her, and it hurts that the same silent treatment behavior is back. I'm still hurt from the first time.
I want to get over the pain and the feeling of not knowing exactly what went wrong. I want to heal and get rid of this negative energy. I admit that this friend constantly has problems with so many people in her life. Her relationships with family, friends, partners, and co-workers always seems tumultuous so I am now questioning all of this. This friendship no longer seems healthy, but I don't know if I should reach out. Maybe she is using the silent treatment as a form of control. I don't really know how to move forward. Anyone have any feedback or been in a similar situation? Should I just let it go, or contact her?

(((((xRavenx)))))

I agree that the friendship seems unhealthy for you.

It seems that this last meal was similar to the previous one: she evidently got upset about something and has chosen not to tell you what it was.

With regard to whether you should contact her: there seems to be a pattern here. She repeatedly has difficulties in her relationships, and she gets mysteriously upset after seeing you. How much are you willing to accept these behaviors from one of your closest friends? It seems that they will continue.

Did you tell her that HER behavior really hurt you? Is she aware of this? I'm sorry you're getting treated this way, you don't deserve it I would reconsider my friendship with this person if that happens again.

I think that it would be very good for you both to give her last chance. I know it might be wierd thing to say but I met a lot people in my life and some of them just don't know better. No one told him what they are doing and how bad it is for the realtionship and for some people... it is only type of relationship they know from home.
If you choose to continue this relationship you have to tell her that it is not the way that you deal with issues in the friendship and you can't continiue relationship with her if it repeats in the future. You friend should know that you want to have loving and sincere relationship with her and you expect her to be honest or even blunt if this is what takes you to fix the problem but you won't accept silent treatment ever again.
I hope everything goes fine

In my estimation someone who gives you the silent treatment is being passive aggressive. They’re mad at you about something and get back at your by not communicating with you like an adult. It’s very childish behavior and I would just cut her loose. Plus the fact that she’s having problems of this nature with others should tell you something. Just talk to people who are mature enough to communicate back.

I agree with the others. If you’ve been friends for quite a while you can always initiate a conversation about this and see where it goes. Otherwise, I would consider her a casual friend and I would not invest emotionally in the friendship anymore.

Yes, I agree with the above. This is passive aggressive behavior on her part, which in fact can be quite abusive behavior. Your thought that it’s unhealthy is accurate. It doesn’t pay off to pursue someone to tell them your hurt feelings and/or to get them to talk to you. This is her chosen way, and her tumtultuous relationships says a lot about her as a person. I like the suggestion to distance yourself and not invest emotionally anymore. This relationship is harmful and hurtful to you. (((Hugs)))

First of all, thank you everyone for all your helpful responses.


Yes, I agree that this behavior is likely to continue. The same pattern started again when she saw me. I really did give her a chance, but I am frankly sick of all the drama. It's hurtful, and I already have a lot of stress in my life.

Yes, I did tell her the last time she gave me the silent treatment that I was very hurt and upset. I made it very clear that I would not accept that kind of treatment again and that if she ever had a problem with something in the future, to tell me. I gave her a chance, and this time is especially hurtful, because she knows how I reacted last time and how hurtful it was for me.

I don't think I'm going to reach out, because I really did give her a chance and thought she changed. It just hurts that I invested a lot into this friendship, and it feels like such a waste.

Hi Raven!

I'm glad you took the higher road and gave her a second chance.

I've had a friend like this once. I ended our friendship by just telling her that I cannot talk to her anymore because I've communicated my feelings toward her multiple times and nothing has ever changed permanently. It got to the point where I felt like our friendship won't even be continued if I stopped putting in my effort, and it should never be like that. Every relationship is a give & take and if they can't even meet you half way, they will never go the full way to save the friendship when it's in trouble.

Simply wish her the best, and spend your energy more on people who deserve and appreciate your love.

Thank you. That's exactly what I am going to do. I just can't have anyone drag me down. Some people never change their patterns or ways of communicating with others, even when we try to tell them that it is hurtful when they do certain things.

It's over four weeks now without hearing from her, and I do have the anxiety of her just popping up again. If she does, I have a feeling she will try to blame me something. I'm just going to stand my ground and wish her well. The more I look at her behavior, the more I realize how toxic it would be for me to continue this friendship. It's a shame, but I look forward to making some changes as far as who I let into my life.

Hi xRavenx,

You deserve friends who reciprocate.

This person is passively-aggressively abusing you.

Choose some fun friends. Fun and sincere.

Best wishes!

WC

Thanks, WC! I did recently reconnect with an old friend (we reconnected after 11 years!) and met two of her friends, and they seem no-drama and like to do fun things. That's helping my depression. Otherwise, I'd feel a lot worse.

Honestly, I was overdue when it comes to meeting at least one person who is genuine and laid back. It's hard sometimes for me to meet new people.
It's also a goal for me to give myself a push and get out a little more (with the right people of course), because I have been isolating myself. I don't have that many people in my life right now, and it feels like I'm just holding on by a thread sometimes.