My girlfriend doesn't accept my family

I disagree. I think the sign that they are not good for each other is because their family values are different. Not getting along with the extended family of parents and siblings is not always a deal breaker and not necessary at all.

Without taking sides, I can understand that some people value one thing over another and here we see two people that see things differently. Neither is right or wrong but different.

Also nothing in the Op statement alludes her being controlling in fact, the OP asking what he can do to convince her is kind of implying that he wants to control her thinking, her values, her behaviors and attitudes and make them comply with his. She is standing her ground on her own values which, is not to participate. Even in a committed relationship one needs to retain their own independence of thought and values. Which is why I stated finding someone that shares his value rather than making someone that does not mold to his is the way to find a compatible mate.

It is responsible of you to be making a serious assessment of this situation and recognizing that a hard choice may have to be made. Entering into marriage requires huge commitment from both parties, and there should be clarity about what each of you are commiting to. Otherwise you risk ruining your lives.

You mentioned above that you were thinking about giving your girlfriend a choice. It may be that you are the one who has to make a choice. For you to tell her that she must "accept" your family is actually pretty vague. "Accept" could have different meanings to different people. A promise "to accept" is actually rather meaningless, IMHO.

I think your girlfriend has already made her choice and is living it. She wants you and is willing to be your wife, and she will have as little to do with your mother as she can arrange. It's a case of: "What you see is what you get." I don't think she will change. I don't think she can change, regardless of what she might feel pressured into promising. That puts the ball in your court.

I think your gf is moving forward in the hope that, little by little, you'll come around to her way of thinking, as to how the two of you will arrange your future. After all, you've stayed involved with her for 4 years. For all I know, her ideas about how to build a life together might be more realistic than your ideas. I'm in no position to know. Even in the most traditional corners of the world, things have been changing and will keep changing. Also, there is no part of the world where some mothers don't try to overly control their adult children. Those kind of mothers have been around everywhere, since the world began, and there will always be mothers like that, forever, in every culture. I don't know your mother or you. Your gf probably thinks that your mother wants too much control of your life. After 4 years, these two females have had plenty of time to size each other up . . . and they have done so. Each sees the other as a threat. In order to please one, you are going to have to disappoint the other. Neither wants to lose. Neither is going to give in. When you say, "I want you to accept my mother.", your gf is thinking, "You want me to let your mother run our lives." Maybe your gf is unfair and unreasonable. Maybe they both are. I don't know.

Your dream is for all of you to get along in peace and harmony. That's not going to happen. You have a choice between living with friction between these two ladies, or breaking up with your gf. But ask yourself: Is this gf being very difficult around your mother, or would your mother probably have trouble getting along with any girl you bring home? Just as an aside, how did your mother get along with her mother-in-law?

Rose makes a valid point here. My maternal grandmom did the 'traditional' thing and moved in with my maternal grandfather's parents. They lived on a farm so it makes sense that that's how it was. But, the greatest piece of advise that's she's ever openly expressed was to under no circumstances move in with inlaws. She described how difficult it was in childrearing. The elder female will tend to assert power/domination over the other. She said she didn't sleep a wink during the infant years of my mom and my uncle because it was imperative to keep noises down due to the "heart" condition of my great grandfather who was a WW1 veteran. I quote heart because with what is known about MH in 2018, it's more likely anxiety from ptsd. My great grandmother was critical of how she wanted to raise my mom and uncle- nothing too radical but I recall the what a mistake and how awful to have more than one child stories.

I'm thinking that maybe the gf sees through the traditions. And isn't just thinking about herself but also future children??

Is there any compromise to this? Can you live 'near enough' to your family so that you could still help be a caregiver in their future or current elderly years? But still live a life together with your gf that allows growth together as your own couple and as your own family?

Would it be too radical of an option where you live?

Well without the greater detail and context of what her problems with your family are I can't comment on the correctness of her viewpoint. You indicated your mother had not interracted with your girlfriend properly and that is a big deal. Where there is smoke there is fire so I do have my suspisions.

What I can do though is tell you from personal experience that I think not accepting a partner's family can be the right thing to do. Sometimes we have to take a stand for what is right and honourable. Sometimes it is the correct thing to distance one's self no matter the family bonds. Family does not conquer and mean everything. I think this a fallacy.

My boyfriend's family are very awful people. Racists, bullies, homophobic, religiously intolerant, white nationalists. I stood up once at a family function to a their merciless teasing of an autistic family member. I spoke my mind and that was the last I had anything to do with them. It I realise has put my boyfriend in a difficult situation but in the end he chose to bide with me and rarely communicates with them now. Which is just as well as I am persona non grata.

Have you thought about talking to her family about why she don't like her family?

I had some experience. Some woman like my brother exe and my sister friend are very controlling and feel no one need their boyfriend or husband attention but them.

[QUOTE=Rose76;6308498]You're in a tough situation. You're right to be very concerned, before permanently committing to this young woman. I have to wonder: How were things going for most of the last 4 years - up until a few months ago? Was this never a problem before lately?

If, after 4 years, your mom and gf don't really like each other, that's probably never going to change. The rule is: They are socially obligated to be courteous to each other. They do not have to love each other, or even like each other. But your mother has an obligation to be respectful to a young woman you are seriously involved with. Your gf has a duty to be polite and respectful toward your mom. If your gf is declaring that she just isn't willing to be around your mother, then maybe you do need to consider ending the relationship. She cannot ask you to choose between her and you mom. A family is kind of a package-deal.

It's very hard for two people to have a fight, if one person refuses to fight. Older people get set in their ways. I think your girlfriend needs to be flexible. After marriage, your wife becomes the #1 person in your life. You need to reassure your gf of that. Knowing that, she can afford to be generous and show some tolerance of your mom's ways. That does not mean you expect her to put up with abuse. If your mom really mistreats her, then she has a right to alert you to that. Then you can make an excuse that she needs to leave.

You have to be alert and pay attention to what's going on. Who is being mean to who? If your mom is really mistreating your gf, then it's your job to explain that you and your gf will have to step out and leave, if mom can't be fair to gf.

It may be unrealistic to expect your gf to agree to live in your mom's house after you and she marry.

You and your gf have much to talk about. Listen carefully to her. Reassure her of the place that a wife would have in your life. Then communicate what you what you would expect a wife to tolerate from your mother.[/QUOTe
Perhaps it a sign that your not meant to be together.

It sound like your girlfriend is very controlling and will always be controlling. She has no right to tell you that you can't hang out with your.family. Do you have other friend ask how they feel about your family?

I'm glad that I could help you in some way. I seen this happens both ways. So I know what you are going through. Glad that I could help.

It sound like it has come to an end. I'm sorry!

It sound like a plan. It sound like she not mature enough and ready for marriage and that ok.

There is nothing wrong with staying with your family.

Even though there is nothing wrong with living with parents, there is nothing wrong with not wanting to live with them

I don’t see how that’s a maturity issue not wanting to live wit family and follow society rules about how daughter in law supposed to act. It’s a choice. In fact it could be a sign of maturity not wanting to blindly follow what others tell her and wanting to build the kind of life she wants