I thought about joining a very liberal and open minded church. I off and on go to this church. I have started getting to know the members. They are nice. Not all of them friendly towards me, but most of them are nice, especially the ones I've gotten to know. I have been going to their meditation group for like 2 years now, which is separate from church there. I like it a lot more than church.

I'm not an official member. And I feel very very hesitant about joining. I don't know why. I feel socially overwhelmed a lot at church. Once, recently, I offered to help hand out programs there, and then like, didn't go back for 2 weeks afterwards because I thought the lady I talked to was going to take me up on my offer. I'm wishy washy. Not something I want to admit. I don't know why I feel one way in the moment, and then differently later.

For my whole first year there, I thought people hated me. It's a different story for a different time. I talked to the spiritual leader there and she calmed my fears a lot.

Nobody is pressuring me to join.

Maybe I should just talk to the reverend again.

I just do not know what is wrong with me. IS something wrong with me???

There are a LOT of places and things I think I want to do and go to, and then don't do when the time gets closer. All my therapist seems to want to talk about is dissociation and past trauma, which is NOT helping me, in my opinion.

I JUST WANT TO BELONG SOMEWHERE. I want to be more social. But the truth is, it's harder to be social that it looks in my mind. I have to navigate my feelings of emotional overwhelm (I get easily overwhelmed by groups of people. even if they're friendly). I have to deal with my desire to just STAY IN MY COMFORTABLE BUBBLE, which I often choose to do rather than socialize. I have expectations of what a group of friends and family should BE like. This church, since I felt I had a rocky start in it, doesn't feel like home. I sometimes feel insecure even though people are nice to me. Maybe thats just me though. And not them. I don't think it's them. I have to deal with navigating the unemployment stigma I feel. Not at church, but with meet up groups, knitting groups, etc.

I used to hang out with my family a LOT. But I have not been wanting to, lately, and I feel I have a hole in my heart where my weird and dysfunctional family has been.

Someone please just tell me I'm not crazy. That it will be ok. I am VERY open to kind feedback, advice, support, etc. Thank you.

It's Ok to not feel totally comfortable around groups of new people.

And there is a difference between wanting and doing. Sometimes we may want things because we think they're good for us, but in the end, we don't end up doing them because it's not comfortable.

You're in a transitional, exploratory phase of life right now, and you're wanting to return to work. It's only natural to feel a bit insecure when you are in transition. Nothing is secure, stable or solid yet. And let's face it. When confronted with having to join society, a society that is generally employed, it is hard emotionally and mentally to have to explain your unemployment and why. One of the most frequently asked questions is around what one does for work. So I completely understand your hesitation right now.

You're not crazy and nothing is wrong with you. Perhaps just go with the flow more of where you are truly at, within yourself and within your comfort zone. Sometimes, it's safer to stay within the comfort zone. We don't want judgements or ridicule. Only natural.

So perhaps stay in your comfortable bubble for as long as you need to until things are more secure in your life. That's what I did when I was unemployed and/or in transition. I stayed around my closest friends, who understood me and who didn't judge. I didn't want to talk to any new people because I didn't want to talk about my life and I didn't want to put on a facade. At least with close friends, you can relax, feel comfortable and just be yourself.

[MickeyCheeky]

There's nothing wrong with you and you're not crazy. Your struggles are completely understandable. Just take it one step at the time, ok?

Originally Posted by golden_eve

It's Ok to not feel totally comfortable around groups of new people.

And there is a difference between wanting and doing. Sometimes we may want things because we think they're good for us, but in the end, we don't end up doing them because it's not comfortable.

You're in a transitional, exploratory phase of life right now, and you're wanting to return to work. It's only natural to feel a bit insecure when you are in transition. Nothing is secure, stable or solid yet. And let's face it. When confronted with having to join society, a society that is generally employed, it is hard emotionally and mentally to have to explain your unemployment and why. One of the most frequently asked questions is around what one does for work. So I completely understand your hesitation right now.

You're not crazy and nothing is wrong with you. Perhaps just go with the flow more of where you are truly at, within yourself and within your comfort zone. Sometimes, it's safer to stay within the comfort zone. We don't want judgements or ridicule. Only natural.

So perhaps stay in your comfortable bubble for as long as you need to until things are more secure in your life. That's what I did when I was unemployed and/or in transition. I stayed around my closest friends, who understood me and who didn't judge. I didn't want to talk to any new people because I didn't want to talk about my life and I didn't want to put on a facade. At least with close friends, you can relax, feel comfortable and just be yourself.

Thank you for this, Eve. I bolded one part of what you said because I wrote myself a letter just now, and it pretty much said the same thing. It started off with..."Dear KnitChick, I want you to focus on what you need. If that's going to church, then go to church. If that's not going to church, and staying home and drawing, do that." It ended with "There's no pressure to join the church, so please, NO WORRIES. And KnitChick? You will find your family. You WILL find your tribe."

Thanks Eve.

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

There's nothing wrong with you and you're not crazy. Your struggles are completely understandable. Just take it one step at the time, ok?

Thank you Mickey! Did you know that "Take it one step at a time," is one of my favorite sayings? Thank you for reminding me to do this.

Originally Posted by KnitChick

Thank you for this, Eve. I bolded one part of what you said because I wrote myself a letter just now, and it pretty much said the same thing. It started off with..."Dear KnitChick, I want you to focus on what you need. If that's going to church, then go to church. If that's not going to church, and staying home and drawing, do that." It ended with "There's no pressure to join the church, so please, NO WORRIES. And KnitChick? You will find your family. You WILL find your tribe."

Thanks Eve.

That's a GREAT letter to yourself!!! YES, that's exactly it!

[Bill3]

My guess is that no place will feel like home until you consistently spend time there.

So if a main goal is to find a home, you will need, it seems to me, to spend the time to make a place that attracts you into a home.

I think that means finding, and going consistently, to a place that attracts you, even when you don’t feel like going, even when it is somewhat uncomfortable to go.

One idea would be to commit to go to five consecutive meetings of something that attracts you, and then see where you are with it.

I follow the saying: life begins outside your comfort zone.

3 years ago I forced myself to a class that was really scary for me. I wanted to bolt almost as soon as I got there. I made myself do it and it became my favorite hobby and I've made many friends.

Challenge yourself to do one thing. No matter how it pans out, it will build your confidence.

You are not crazy. Many of us have, are or will go through this. I believe in you. You will conquer!

Originally Posted by Bill3

My guess is that no place will feel like home until you consistently spend time there.

So if a main goal is to find a home, you will need, it seems to me, to spend the time to make a place that attracts you into a home.

I think that means finding, and going consistently, to a place that attracts you, even when you don’t feel like going, even when it is somewhat uncomfortable to go.

One idea would be to commit to go to five consecutive meetings of something that attracts you, and then see where you are with it.

Hi Bill, what you have said makes a lot of sense to me. I like the idea of 5 consecutive go's, too. Question: When you say to find something that "Attracts me," do you mean something that peaks my interest and that I think about going to? What's your definition of something that attracts someone to something? For church...I am attracted to it because it's an accepting social place where I have friends from meditation group. There are lots of opportunities to volunteer, and they care about human service. I have also struggled big time with feeling like I belong there. But I think trying 5 consecutive times is a good idea. Even when I don't feel like it or want to.

I think I'm wondering what I should do when someone in the group (whatever group it may be) doesn't seem to like me (doesn't smile at me or make eye contact much or talk to me, but talks to the other members and is friendly with them). This has been hard for me to experience in the past, and currently. I'm also wondering what I should do when someone asks me "so what do you do?" I want to answer it with dignity and self respect. Even if I say "I'm in between jobs, I don't really want to talk about this, what do YOU do?"

Originally Posted by KissTheRain

I follow the saying: life begins outside your comfort zone.

3 years ago I forced myself to a class that was really scary for me. I wanted to bolt almost as soon as I got there. I made myself do it and it became my favorite hobby and I've made many friends.

Challenge yourself to do one thing. No matter how it pans out, it will build your confidence.

You are not crazy. Many of us have, are or will go through this. I believe in you. You will conquer!

Thank you KissTheRain!

[Bill3]

When you say to find something that "Attracts me," do you mean something that peaks my interest and that I think about going to? What's your definition of something that attracts someone to something? For church...I am attracted to it because it's an accepting social place where I have friends from meditation group. There are lots of opportunities to volunteer, and they care about human service.

Well said! I think that you have a good definition of "attracts me".

I think I'm wondering what I should do when someone in the group (whatever group it may be) doesn't seem to like me (doesn't smile at me or make eye contact much or talk to me, but talks to the other members and is friendly with them). This has been hard for me to experience in the past, and currently.

This is precisely the sort of comfort zone issue that I was talking about when I spoke of it being uncomfortable to go.

You can think of these feelings as a sort of unwanted backpack that you need to carry as you head towards a destination. You are stuck with the backpack for now, but you can still reach your destination!

My suggestion is to acknowledge that these feelings are present but not allow them to stop you from joining the church.

No matter what a person wants to do in a social setting, there are going to be people around that are irksome, difficult. By going for five times in a row, you would give yourself the chance to address difficult feelings that arise from such people.

I'm also wondering what I should do when someone asks me "so what do you do?" I want to answer it with dignity and self respect.

Can you find dignity and self-respect in saying, calmly, "I'm disabled."?

If you can't, what gets in the way?

If you can't, I suggest that this would be a good topic to raise at this site and/or in therapy.

[DazedandConfused254]

Hi KnitChick,

I was actually about to post a thread over a similar topic! Funny how things like that work out.

I can most definitely tell you that you are not crazy, and that your uncomfortable feelings are perfectly understood and valid. I can say that confidently because I have experienced these feelings myself. We have similar experiences as we strive to find a group to where we feel valued, as it is part of our DNA as people. But my experience was a bit different. I was part of this church through college which I considered my best friends. I did have moments during that time where I felt like I finally found a group to associate with, yet I had to leave after a couple of years due to people's hostility toward me holding different beliefs and hobbies from the rest of this group, and because it appeared I couldn't "fit the mold" I felt as if people were slightly annoyed with me. When people pressured me to come back against my wishes, and after I felt like even my best of those friends seemed done with me, I just had to allow myself to go through a "grieving" kind of period where I discover the newfound freedom in loving myself and finding friendship with true friends, not control freaks like my previous friend group was. It's taken almost two years of reaching out to others, professional counseling, setting boundaries/personal space and plenty of tears for me to leave that rather difficult situation, all of which I am still working on. However, I have re-discovered old friends from growing up who truly accept me for who I am, and now I am much happier now that I have a small group of "confidantes" than I was when I attempted to juggle around as many friends as I could muster without reward.

In essence, like MickeyCheeky said, just take it slow, and relax as you strive to find people to whom who feel like you belong to. And when you feel like your "alarm system" is sounding, it's perfectly ok to give yourself space. Those you truly love and care about you will respect you for who you are, and won't willfully make you feel uncomfortable or unloved. You are worth it and even though the journey to find true friends will have its challenges, it will be so worth it!