[PotentAnarchist]

OK sorry for my first post being a long one, but I am in a hotel in Houston and struggling hardcore.

I am in my early forties, and for the last 5 years have been in a relationship with a woman who I love very much. But, it's been rocky. I have some major insecurity issues, and fear, and my fight or flight response is almost always flight. So when I would get in situations in our relationship where I would feel like I needed to protect myself, I would run. This happened numerous times over the 5 years. With the longest break being 8 months.

Recently when on this most recent break, and after seeing a new therapist I had some major breakthroughs, and we started seeing each other again, this time in a much more healthy manner. There was no discussion of exclusivity, it was just lets hang out and do what comes naturally. We have MAJOR chemistry. Sparks, butterflies, etc....

So one night, we had made love multiple times and she told me she loved me and wanted to be with me. But still has trust issues.

The next day, she tells me she has a date, and that she's still going on it. I was devastated. (four days after I ran)

Cut to a week later, we are talking via email, then text, then start hanging out again, and with my new found coping mechanisms etc.... it's great. I sleep over for the first time in almost a year, and we are telling each other we love each other etc.....

But she doesn't know if she can stop seeing this other guy..... we have many talks about it, it's pretty intense. I have always been a guy who prefers not to date someone who is seeing someone else. Many reasons why. Insecurities, always paramount, but also for sexual health, and just because when I am committing to date someone, I want to always give them the chance to be "the one". So today, while in her therapy session, she tells me she wants to continue seeing me, to see if she can observe my change. But she also wants to keep seeing this other guy.

I love her. And I want to be with her. But I need some help navigating this from a third party that has no involvement.

Here are my qualms.

- All it takes is one thing for him to say, and she's gone. She has five years of **** and good times with me, but none of that with him. The grass is always greener.
- Sex. How does that work? Her therapist says I have no right to ask her to let me know before she has sex with him, so we can end things, but I don't know if I am strong enough to handle that. The "not knowing" thing won[t work either because of how my brain works.
- What other nuances should I be wary of? Pitfalls? Etc....

Thanks in advance.

[healingme4me]

Does her therapist say also that you cannot know things after so that you can decide to end it? There's some polyamorous members here that could probably answer these questions much better than I could.

[Bill3]

She evidently is not going to stop seeing the other guy. It seems then that your choices are:

1. Accept that, or

2. Leave her.

You don’t need to be apologetic or self-justifying about wanting to have an exclusive relationship with her.

You seem to think that she is not already having sex with him. How do you know this?

[PotentAnarchist]

Originally Posted by Bill3

She evidently is not going to stop seeing the other guy. It seems then that your choices are:

1. Accept that, or

2. Leave her.

You don’t need to be apologetic or self-justifying about wanting to have an exclusive relationship with her.

You seem to think that she is not already having sex with him. How do you know this?

Because part of my issue with our previous relationship was perceived broken trust. (My insecurity). So I’m order to move forward with her i had to forgive that. So I’m choosing to trust her when she says she hasn’t.

[PotentAnarchist]

Originally Posted by Bill3

She evidently is not going to stop seeing the other guy. It seems then that your choices are:

1. Accept that, or

2. Leave her.

?

At what point is it time to “SH!t or get off the pot” for her? She hasn’t been polyamorous in the past and she still seems genuinely confused. She has said she wants to still see me to see the promised and aforementioned changes. I think if this evolved into polyamory as a life style I wouldn’t be ok. Ok. No I know I wouldn’t be ok.

[Skeezyks]

I agree with Bill3 on this. You have two choices... either accept what your gf is doing or end the relationship. You can't change her nor can you control her. The thing that stands out for me here is that you & your gf have 5 years of history. I don't know how long she's been seeing this other guy. But it's apparently not long. If, after 5 years of history with you, she still wants to continue to see this other guy the writing is, it seems to me, on the wall so to speak.

I guess the good thing here, to the extent there is anything good, is that it sounds as though your gf is being pretty upfront with you about what she wants & what she intends to do. She's not trying to maintain her relationship with you while at the same time sneaking off with this other guy & then lying to cover her tracks... that sort of thing. At least it doesn't sound as though that's the case.

So I guess, from my perspective, if you don't want to simply end this relationship, perhaps the best you can do is to see if your gf will agree to a timeframe within which she will continue to see both of you. Then, at the end of the timeframe she will make a decision one way or the other either to become exclusive with you or continue to "play the field" indefinitely at which point you will have to decide whether or not you can accept a long-term open relationship. At least that way both of you know what the rules of the game are. I do agree with your therapist, you have no right to ask your gf to tell you if or when she has sex with this other man. You really have no right to any information regarding their relationship, in my opinion. The uncertainty is simply something you're going to have to accept if you're going to go forward with this awkward relationship.

You asked about nuances & pitfalls you should be wary of. Although from what you wrote it doesn't sound as though your gf is doing this, here are links to 4 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of manipulation & "gaslighting". This may perhaps be one of the things you'll need to be cognizant of:

How to Spot Manipulation

How to Understand Gaslighting

Signs of Gaslighting and the Cost

Infidelity and “Gaslighting:” When Cheaters Flip the Script – Sex and Intimacy

My best wishes to you...

[MickeyCheeky]

I agree with Bill. There's not much choice in this... If it bothers you, the only choice is to leave. I'm sorry

[Open Eyes]

Because part of my issue with our previous relationship was perceived broken trust. (My insecurity). So I’m order to move forward with her i had to forgive that. So I’m choosing to trust her when she says she hasn’t.

It sounds like you both struggle with feeling insecure. She is insecure about you in that when things got challenging for you, you ran. How can she trust you? She is most likely holding on to this other guy because that feels safer to her at this point as she has already experienced you as being a fight risk.

You get together and get intimate and your sexual intimacy has been wonderful. She WANTS to love you, yet you have never given her a chance to feel secure with you. It could be the one thing that attracts her to this other guy is probably that he is more secure about himself and she can feel he is more stable than you. It's not that he is better looking, or better in bed, or actually better than you, except he has probably been more stable. It would not surprise me if she says, "If only PotentAnarchist could be like this with me" he would be perfect because he is the one I really want". Given that she has hung on for five years now, that would be my opinion about this relationship.

[PotentAnarchist]

UPDATE: In an odd twist of fate.

I made the choice to say goodbye. She accepted. But then, turned around and started fighting for me. For the first time in five years.

She cancelled her weekend plans with him and spent the weekend with me instead. We have a lot of work to do, but she is telling me she wants to do it.

Keep your fingers crossed for us, and thank you so much for the great links and support.